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[quote=Anonymous]Apologies in advance for the long post...

FIL has had a debilitating chronic medical condition for approx. ten years. He is wheelchair bound and can only move his hands and head/neck. He can feed himself, use a remote and phone. He lives alone and hires a caregiver for a few hours in the morning and evening.  Several times a year he’s admitted to hospital then respite care for a few weeks until he’s discharged back home.  DH found out recently that he often sleeps in his chair overnight if the caregiver doesn’t show up.  He has refused to move into a nursing home or assisted living facility- due to finances and his comfort at home. He has medical insurance and receives about $1500/month from SS which covers caregiver, meals and some bills.

FIL is a twin and has a large number of family members which include my SIL and BIL who live within a 6 mile radius. MIL has remarried but still kindly helps out once per week. His twin sister provides his daily meals. We pay for phone/cable/internet. 
I have a medical background and over Christmas I noticed that FIL’s condition was deteriorating. I pointed this out to my DH who agreed and I advised that he have a family meeting to discuss their options with his caseworker/social worker so they have a plan for additional care in the future. I drafted the initial correspondence to his caseworker who provided a list of resources that needed to be followed up on by DH but none of this happened and despite my reminding him he eventually told me to stay out of it. 
There is little communication between their family members and FIL is in denial about his situation and thinks that one day he will be back to normal. He was not present in his children’s life growing up so they maintain a cordial but distant relationship. He only recently revealed what his medical condition was to his family.

I recently moved back to the US after living abroad and I am not well versed in the US medical care system especially elder services. Our HHI is approx. $160k. We have a daycare aged child. We live 7 hours away and visit a few times a year. 
I have an enormous amount of empathy and try to visit and offer advice when I am asked. I know that FIL is depressed and frustrated. Recently, he was admitted to the hospital for a week, had a procedure that he has not shared details about but now is significantly weaker and can no longer feed himself. The hospital now wants to discharge him home since he has some care. He has not been accepted into Medicare programs bc of finances. He now needs overnight care at home and DH told me yesterday that he wants us to start paying for it.

I am trying not to be selfish however, we are renting in NOVA which is costly, have a son in daycare, and our emergency fund will only float us through 3 months if anything happened. We are stretched thin and I do not know where this money would come from. I am annoyed with DH bc it was so obvious that this would happen and now there is no plan. His family is barely responding with messages even though they are local and are certainly not offering financial help. He now wants me to get involved again but I am not sure how when I barely know any details.  IMO, there is no end date to paying for additional care. I am happy to help out where we can IF there is an actual plan. I said this to DH and his reaction is basically that if we don’t pay that his father will die. We should take the money from DS savings account. I am not sure what to do next besides speaking to his caseworker and contacting eldercare services for more advice. Any suggestions?
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