Reply to Suggestions for appropriate/effective consequences--11 yo girl bouts of rage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She needs to own the destruction and the fixes for it.

Ask her how she plans to fix the messes she has made, and then help her do it (i.e., if she wants to pay you back for the clothes, help her figure out how to earn the money).

If she won't talk to you about it, she can write up a plan.

Consequences are that you don't facilitate anything other than school or activities that would feel her absence if you didn't get her there (like a crew team, or something -- I know you said she doesn't do sports, but that's just an example). At home, like a PP said, you don't do things for her beyond what you're doing for everyone else.

And you just keep reiterating in the nicest voice you can muster, things like, "I love you, but until we can work out these issues, I can't do anything else for you. This situation makes me sad and angry, and it's clear to me that it makes you sad and angry, too. Since you don't like my solutions, I'm willing to consider yours, but you have to come to me with some ideas and be willing to talk them through."

In the meantime, to the extent you can, ignore the outbursts and keep the kids separated.

I think you may hear that she feels she always comes in second to the 9-year-old, or is expected to put up with things she does because of her hyperactivity. Is there any chance the 9-year-old has destroyed some of her things the way she destroyed yours (even if it was junk in your opinion), and you told her to get over it?[/quote]

Sorry -- misread that the 9-year-old was also a girl. He's a boy. Same point, though.[/quote]

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