Reply to Close with mom but strained relationship with dad. Unsure of grandparent visititation

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[quote=Anonymous]

Situation: Even though I have a strained relationship with my father, my husband has been cordial with him and will call him every couple of weeks. Yesterday  my father tore into my husband because when my husband last called (about 2 weeks ago) my dad missed the call. My dad called and my husband missed his call (normal phone tag). My husband calls my dad yesterday and my father says my husband (a man exceeding 40) is disrespectful for not following up sooner and waiting 2 weeks to return a call. My dad said that my husband shouldn't "take him for granted and disrespect his time, and that he shouldn't control him...nonsensical NPD stuff".  I overheard the conversation b/c I heard my husband's voice raised which is abnormal. Again this is all from one round of phone tag.  My husband told my father he was busy with a new job but my father persisted, My husband ended the call and announced to me that he had tried for nearly 5 years to be polite but he just can't take it anymore with my father. I shrugged and said, I wasn't surprised by my father's reaction...he's done this type of stuff (and worse) to me my entire life.

I've decided that for the peace of my home I don't want my father coming to my house. Cursing me out, calling me overweight a week after I gave birth, physically (in the past) and emotionally (present) abusing my mother are all things I grapple with but still didn't want to prevent him from seeing his  grandchild. However, extending his abusive language to my husband i think makes my decision to ban him for a period of time reasonable.

[b]Here's the challenge[/b]: In the past my mom will decide she wants to visit me and I'll  say I really dont' feel like seeing my dad at that time (he takes alot of emotional energy even with grey rock techniques). She'll say he isn't planning to come (she isn't lying, trust me). A day before her flight he'll book a flight and "tag along" arriving at a similar time. So I'm in this position of allowing my mom come in side but literally slamming the door in his face or telling my mother that she needs to stay with him in their city which means she won't get to see her grandchild who she absolutely adores. 
[b]
What would you do?[/b] I told my mom that until further notice (from my husband) my father is not welcome. While a lifetime of his behavior has enabled me to cope (somewhat) my husband doesn't have time or energy for that dysfunction and really I don't blame him.

Oh and I should say that he never asks for pictures or calls about the welfare of his grandchild. He spent $200 on a christmas gift for him and that was the last time I have heard him express interest in his grandchild. I say that because I doubt that I'm disrupting a relationship w/ his grandchild but for my mother (if he insists on coming) would impact a relationship she is very much invested in maintaining. 
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