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[quote=Anonymous]You're letting her know 1) what upset you, and 2) that you're ready to let it go.  I can see why she'd focus on 2 rather than 1, because it means it's over.

If you want a real dialogue, you need to add a real desire to find out what upset her in with your list of things that upset you to lead to the fight.  I know you say you're careful to avoid assigning blame, but you're still coming to her with a list of things she did wrong and then expecting her not to be defensive about it.  You already know that she won't bring up the things that "caused hurt feelings or emotions" on her end, so you have to try to get that in the open yourself.

Our therapist had us start sentences with "I [spouse's name] felt upset because..." to try to get in the other person's headspace and it was simultaneously the most ridiculous-feeling and most successful communication tool we picked up in premarital counseling.  If you were to approach it from that angle, she could correct you on your assumptions about what drives her behavior without feeling defensive (or, in the alternative, feel validated that you do understand what upset her), and then you can switch and have her try it.  *That's* when you get to address your list of hurts/upsets.  The way you're doing it does assign blame, even if you try to avoid it in so many words.  Doing it this way makes each person think about what they did to upset the other person first, which puts you in a more collaborative/ accountable mindframe, rather than just rehashing the fight from the same set positions.[/quote]

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