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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]about another family member, how do you deal with it?

My mom is a monumental martyr and had always complained to me about my dad, usually about how lazy or inconsiderate he was. It went on for years, right until his death. When I tell her no, I don't want to hear it, or get in the middle of her and dad, she'd whine about how she has no one to talk to and she needed the outlet. Suggestions of friends or therapists were soundly rebuffed (too shameful to let friends know and doesn't believe in therapists). Seeing how haggard she got running the household I felt guilty for completely refusing to be her sound board.

The downside, of course, is that she bent my ear to her side of the story and biased me in some regards against my dad. I got really resentful after he passed that she did a job on me and my perception of him. It took me a while to work through it and recognize it for what it really was.

Lately she's been complaining about my brother, who lives across the country from us and who can be aloof at times. She can get really angry during some of her rants. I let her vent to me b/c I thought it's good for her mental health. Her complaints are the usual "He's never calling me. So-and-so is always calling his mother but not my son. He doesn't care about me at all." I usually try to deflect for him and defuse her anger. Then I tell my brother to please call her and he does.

I am truly tired of being her default mental health go-to person. I'm tired of having to manage her relationships. I feel sorry for her but know that she will not change. I've finally came to the realization that she's been using me all these years, knowing that I'd advocate for her and get the results she wanted. Distancing myself from her is not an option b/c she's pretty much dependent on me now.

What would you do?

Would the answer be different if I added that she's undergoing chemo?[/quote]

A) sounds like she had a krappy husband and life partner. 
B) sounds like normal stuff to complain your son isn't calling you enough. Have them set up a call every other week and stick to it. BFD. 
C) generally sounds like she needs more female friends, of her own age. Find some social outlets for this. Everyone needs a few. [/quote]

A) she sounds like the krappy partner. We don't know anything about her husband to pass judgement. 
B) why on earth should OP be in charge of managing her brother's relationship with their mom? 
C) possibly, yes, but she'll never be able to make or keep friends if she complains all the time. Nobody wants to be around that.

Mom needs to fix her attitude before anyone will want to spend time with her. OP can make suggestions but there is no magic wand if mom doesn't want to change. Protect yourself from the negativity, don't engage. [/quote]

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