Reply to When one spouse has a "big" job

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "When one spouse has a "big" job"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a SAHM with a marriage that has slowly been circling the drain, so my #1 priority the last few weeks has been to get a job, which I have finally done. It's not the best job in the world- I'll make just enough to cover daycare and gas to/from work, but it's doing something I love and there is opportunity for advancement, and it's about the best I can do right now. If I accept, I'll start in November.

DH knew I was applying and resisted, but I guess thought I wouldn't actually get an offer. He's not happy. He has a "big" job which he claims requires him to be on-call 24/7. My new job is early mornings- before daycare is open- the occasional evening, and about half of weekends. DH has stated that because of his job, he can not do daycare drop-offs even though he doesn't go in until 8, sick days, or watch our child on evenings/weekends because he may get called in. He never actually has been called in, but supposedly the potential exists. I don't know how much is true, but I do know many other people in his position at work somehow manage to have families, so I suspect most of this pressure he has brought on himself. He is pretty upset over this, so much that he skipped dinner (which I have never seen him do). He also stated that he never would have taken this job had he known I was going to go back to work. He has graciously (sarcasm) offered me a divorce as long as I sign over all custody to him, and barring that, he wants to live separate lives where I do my thing and he does his. Yes, he has a penchant for being dramatic, hence why we are headed towards divorce anyway.

Am I unreasonable in expecting him to pick up some kid duties? How do other people manage when one spouse has a job that is "more important"? [/quote]

I'm a pretty firm believer that both parents need to be on the same page about major lifestyle changes like this and ended up divorced from my first husband because he had an attitude similar to your husband's. Having one parent stay home only works for as long as both people are happy with that arrangement. If he needed you to go back to work for whatever reason (money, the psychology of not being to sole breadwinner for the family, etc.), it would be unreasonable for you to continue to stay home. If you needed to go back to work for whatever reason (money, not wanting to be the sole caregiver for the family, etc.), it would be unreasonable for him to prevent you from doing so.

People accept jobs based on current circumstances only to have those circumstances change without notice all the time. He doesn't get to dictate exactly how your life will work for the rest of forever. If he isn't able to care for his children because his work schedule prevents it, then at this point, his option is to hire help in the morning to get the kids to daycare while you are at work. That is the only option and it sounds like it is the option he will need to exercise if you divorce him anyway, since he is not able to cover those times, according to him.

In your situation, I would respond calmly by saying that you need to go back to work for yourself, that you and he discussed it, and that while he is welcome to have an opinion, he doesn't get to tell you that you cannot return to work. The children are his as well as yours, and regardless of whether you stay married, he will need to care for them, either by providing the care himself or paying someone else to do it. If he will not take the kids to daycare, tell him that you will be using the family money to pay someone else to do so.

As for evenings and weekends, when does he interact with this child he supposedly wants sole custody of? If he cannot spend time with that child at all due to the possibility that he may get called into work, he absolutely will not get sole custody. He won't get it anyway unless you have major, major issues you're not disclosing in your OP. I have seen exactly zero cases of a parent who wants custody of some kind not getting custody. Also, you don't need his permission to divorce him. You can separate, file for divorce, and file for child support without his permission and he doesn't get to simply say that he won't let you divorce and won't pay child support. It does not work like that.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics