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[quote=Anonymous]OP, are the "hateful/nasty/delusional responses" you've had to your letters been written by your grandmother or your mother? It's not clear to me. If it's grandmother, it sounds as if she may be either starting some kind of dementia or is otherwise having mental issues. Hateful and delusional are how I'd characterize some letters from my husband's aunt, who sadly is paranoid and untreated. If the replies are from your mother, she may be  the one who is mentally ill, and for sure she's intercepting all mail you send your grandmother.

Either way, think of this: If you are getting those kinds of responses from EITHER of them, then the chance that you would have a horrible experience if you try to go there in person is very high. What you describe overall tells me that you can't just drop in unannounced, nor can you try to set up a visit, since your mom would control your grandmother's seeing or not seeing you.

You could ask if they can meet you in a place that is not their home or yours -- somewhere public and neutral, so you can leave quickly if things turn sour and so being in public can act as a curb on the nasty behavior (that may or may not happen, OP). That's IF mother would agree to bring grandmother there at all. We have done better when meeting this aunt of ours out in public; we never go to her home except to pick her up, and we always have an "OK, we need to get to X by 2:00, so we'll need to go in another 10 minutes but it's been so nice to see you" escape planned. (Even if there is no X we need to get to by 2:00, or ever.)

But truly, I would go deeper into this with your therapist. Your desire to see grandmother is totally understandable. But talk to your therapist and see if the therapist thinks there is a way to see grandmother that won't end with you totally shattered or with your mom taking out anger on your grandmother, or being nasty to your toddler. It really sounds as if you may not be able to see her if your mother can control her decisions and comings and goings. [/quote]

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