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[quote=Anonymous]Agree with other PPs. Time to start treating him like an adult, and to stop during purse strings to try to control him.

Start with the car. If you are providing him with a car, then he gets to use it as he sees fit, as long as he had gas and insurance and isn't DUIing. Let him know how much the insurance is and that beginning on x date, he will be responsible for paying for it. Period. You can leave him on your insurance as long as he faithfully gives you the cash every month. Otherwise, cut him off and take the car off the road. Let him take the bus. If driving is that important to him, he can work at Starbucks until he finds something better.

Girlfriend: would you let her spend the night in your house if you liked her? Then you have no cause (yet) to refuse her your hospitality. Plus, if your son stays with her, you cannot maintain this position and hope to have a relationship with your son. And, you can't know how worried to be without knowing her. Invite her to stay, although of course you can insist on separate rooms if that is important to you--but only if you would insist on that if you liked her. Unless she does things that place you or your family at risk, you must treat her as you would a girlfriend you adored. So if she comes to stay and she uses drugs, steals things, treats you or DS abusively, then you have cause to bar her from staying. But if she is law-abiding and reasonably civil while staying with you, then she gets to visit.

If living with DS starts to become difficult or unpleasant, then you ratchet up the adult treatment. First, require him to pay rent. If that doesn't prompt him to move out or at least make you feel better about his transgressions, then tell him he has to move out by x date. Then enforce.

Adults get to choose their professions, their friends, their partners, their clothing and hairstyles, their actions. If you apply rules that are attempts to control those things without cause (e.g., illegal or dangerous choices), you will create distance and resentment in your relationship with your adult son. Tread cautiously. But by the same token, you get to name choices of your own. If one of those choices is that you want a quiet home without young adults living in it, you can ask him to leave. Just don't do it with the ulterior motive of trying to control him.[/quote]

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