Reply to Strict parenting and yes ma'am, no sir for toddlers?

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[quote=Anonymous]My DH is from the South and his mom is very old school. My ILs have never invited me to call them their first names and I call them Mr./Mrs. last name even after being with my DH for ten years and having two kids. I even spoke with them about it this summer and my MIL said that was "how she was raised". My DS is now 3. My husband and I believe in positive parenting and try to model behavior. My son is very good about using manners, helping, cleaning up after himself. However, I am not a strict parent and I do not drill "yes ma'am, no sir" when speaking with me or other adults to my toddler. Instead I will say "yes, Miss/Mr. first name or yes, mommy/daddy/DS or brother's name". My parents were pretty strict and I was raised to say "yes ma'am, no sir" when talking to people not just elders but not in a militaristic or heirarchial way or a way that is fake and not genuine. My husband is not in a warm or close family. His interactions with his parents are really cold and removed.

My mom is very strict and she even commented how odd it was that my MIL was correcting our toddler when he said "yes" or "yeah" with "yes ma'am". The kid is very verbal and my other nephews (2 and 6) are not as verbal and have speech delays but are drilled "no/yes sir/ma'am". My sister and mom complimented my nephews at my son's birthday party and my MIL mentioned that "their parents (meaning SIL and BIL) are very strict" indicating she thought my son and I were too lenient with our just turned three year old!!!

I refuse to do this with a toddler. I am very polite and people always compliment me on my manners and hospitality. But I also consider myself down to earth, warm, welcoming and friendly and to my sons loving. Is modeling polite behavior and kindness best? My son is given a lot of compliments from teachers, neighbors and other parents about showing kindness and inclusiveness to others at school and in our neighborhood. For what it is worth, my DH and SIL are two of the nicest people I know and very kind. But my MIL is a raging racist (I think it is very hard for her that DS' besties are Asian, Black and Latino and that we live in a diverse community and have diverse friends. She is used to only WASPy friends despite being highly educated and well traveled (over 200 countries!)).

I have been responding we try to model polite behavior as it's developmentally appropriate, but receiving a lot of backhanded comments or making comments about DS is getting to me. DS asked me "what does behave mean? Grandmommy says I need to say yes ma'am."

Any advice appreciated. My nephews are very sweet little boys but they are also socially awkward and speech delayed. They are more like little robots that their parents drill this behavior into. My son is a very gregarious and happy toddler. Sure, he is rambunctious and not as well behaved (sometimes doesn't listen, can test authority) but he is kind and loving and a toddler. What would you do or say?[/quote]

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