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Parenting -- Special Concerns
Heading for Separation/Divorce - Need Some Moral Support
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Anonymous
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Hi, I am at the end of my rope. Things have never been rosy in my marriage, but since the birth of our second child 8 months ago things have gotten unbearable. Unfortunately I married a very angry person who has become emotionally abusive to me. These angry outbursts are happening more frequently as well as the verbal attacks. I am in counseling which has helped me to stand up for myself and be more assertive. I pleaded for us to go into couples counseling or for him to seek individual counseling but he won’t hear of it. He is incapable of looking at himself in the mirror and acknowledging his behavior is unacceptable.
I’ve wavered back in forth, thinking it’s just a spell. We’re both sleep deprived and this is a difficult time even for strong couples. But in my heart of hearts, I know I am avoiding the inevitable that I must leave this man for my sake and especially for our children. So I have been preparing myself mentally and physically for the day I would stand up and say enough is enough – I’m leaving you! After he called me stupid again in front of our son this past weekend after countless other times, that day is here. I desperately would like to talk to some other mothers of small children (mine are 22 months & 8 months) who have been there and can offer some moral support and warn me about things I should watch out for vis-a-vis custody and visitation issues. Please email me at dtheexplorer1@gmail.com Thanks! You single mothers are my inspiration. |
Anonymous
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So much to say, but just know this:
You will be OK. Your kids will be OK. |
Anonymous
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Will keep you in my prayers.hope you can stand strong during this difficult trying time,but know this....ALL WOULD BE PASS.
Keep in mind of what not to say when you are in disagreement,hold back words that might cause you harm for you and the sake of your little ones, specially like you said hi is an angry and abusive person. Please talk with some one that can really help you out of this situation,but DON'T GIVE your abusive husband this impression of you are looking for help, this can make matter worse for your situation and your own safety. I care about you and will keeping you in my prayers!! THE 3 L |
Anonymous
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you may want to check in with a lawyer about the differences between filing for custody in md, dc and va if you are concerned about custody issues. a friend of mine moved out of dc when she filed because there is a presumption of joint custody here. have no idea if that's an issue or where you live but just wanted to mention it. i know you're probably not at the point of thinking through that yet.
good luck! |
Anonymous
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I filed just after the birth of my second child, when my first was just over a year months old. I'm still going through the process nearly a year later, because my spouse is fighting for custody. We have been through visits with a custody evaluator, and thankfully the recommendations are that the children stay with me. Now hopefully we can settle on a parenting plan, although we may still have to go to court.
I recommend: 1. Get a good lawyer. Ask for recommendations. Treat it like a job interview and look at at least 2-3 candidates. It's terribly expensive ($300/hour). 2. Get a good book. I read 'What Every Woman Needs to Know about Custody and Divorce' and that prepared me for what to expect. I followed the 'what NOT to do' list and am in good shape should we go to court. I'm not sure if that is the exact title, but it's a paperback. Take the time to read it so you have a clue. (I was clueless.) 3. Start keeping a log of every call you make, where the kids are spending time, etc. Tell your lawyer that you are keeping the log for him/her, so that it will remain private and privileged information. Then you can also jot down your thoughts and fears and know that these words will remain yours. 3. You may think your spouse will be agreeable to a reasonable custody plan, but you may be wrong. Since mine wasn't more than 5% involved in the parenting and likes free time, I thought my spouse would agree to a custody arrangement where the kids lived with me and had generous visitation. WRONG. If your spouse challenges custody, be prepared for battle. Stay strong. Surround yourself with friends. Try to keep your kids removed from the tension. 4. I agree with the other posting that you may want to file where if parents can't agree on joint custody, the court won't force it on you. (Like yours, my spouse likes to berate and belittle me. I can't imaging have to consult on every decision that concerns the kids. That would just hurt the children by continuing the emotionally/verbally violent relationship that the divorce is meant to end.) 5. Take care of yourself. Put the kids in a stroller and take a walk for exercise. Call your friends and vent, but don't upset your kids by using rough language. (My 2 yr old gets stressed out if I talked 'business' - knows that I'm upset.) 6. Reassue your children that they are loved by so many people: mom, dad, grandma, neighbor, teacher, etc. Take time to enjoy them. You are probably cooking, cleaning, maybe nursing, diapering, bathing, dressing, and rocking your babies to sleep. Take at least ten minutes a day and just play with them. Get 'Sandcastles', or another book that tells you how to help kids cope with divorce (even babies). If you haven't already informed your spouse, you probably want to see a lawyer before you drop the bomb, especially if you don't know if he'll agree with you about the divorce, about custody, etc. I know that this is tricky, because if you're seeing lawyers without telling him, you'll be blowing whatever trust you have between you. But if you don't already have good trust or basic friendship in your relationship, then the divorce will probably be extremely contentious anyway. Better to prepare for battle in that case. I'm wishing you and your children all the best. |
coachursula
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Member Offline
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I just spent the last half year supporting my sister leave her abusive relationship and start a new life for herself and her two young children (both under 3). She followed her gut instinct to leave him and now can hardly believe she had waited so long. She now lives in a beautiful space she can call her own, has friends over freely, and feels like a huge burden has been lifted from her. I encourage you to have faith that you will succeed in keeping yourself and your children safe, and one day will have the life of your dreams.
If you decide to leave your marriage, I encourage you to work with your counselor to come up with a plan to leave safely. I highly recommend Debbie Ford's book on "Spiritual Divorce." Ursula Bass Professional Coach coachursula@gmail.com |
Anonymous
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Really wanted to second the recommendation of the book mentioned above as "sandcastles." I think it's real title is "helping your kid thru divorce the sandcastles way" or something like that. It's on amazon, so you can search and preview it.
It was the best book I found for reasonable explanations of how kids view divorce at all different ages/developmental stages. And, how to answer q's, etc. Also, really recommend speaking to a divorce attorney before you drop the D-bomb with your hubby. I spent an hour and a half for a consultation with a terrific attorney almost 2 years before I finally kicked my hubby out. It was the best thing I ever did. Knowing my options, about custody, etc., made me an informed decision-maker, which made me empowered (although still terribly sad about the whole thing). I will never forget the day after I kicked him out. I was sad that the relationship was over, but felt a HUGE sense of relief. |
Anonymous
I'm in the middle of a divorce right now...except I waited until my emotionally abusive husband beat me up to get the guts to leave. Go with your instinct - you're going to be ok. I'm proud of you for doing the right thing and getting out of there before it gets worse! |
Anonymous
| You can also look up free or lower-cost support options at The Women's Center in Virginia |
Anonymous
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I am in a situation similar to the OP, though my husband isnt abusive. Our marriage has just been profoundly unhappy from the get-go. One thing I plan to check out is a free seminar held by the DC Bar association about divorce in the district. It apparently happens two Sat mornings in a row. If you live in the district, you could find it online. If you live elsewhere, your local bars may have the same thing. I actually heard about it here.
To all the PPs, thanks for the recommendations. I am starting to cry as I write this, but what has held me back so far is the feeling that I will be hurting my daughter (now 3) by leaving her dad. He is depressive, uninvolved and really doesnt want a family and all it entails. But in the little time he spends with DD, he is usually warm and loving. Sometimes he is impatient with her, though, and she says that he is mean. (She doesnt use that word a lot). But she loves him. And I feel like I will be breaking her heart in some way by not having us all under the same roof. He travels a lot for long stretches and she is so happy when we are together (though she is happy when he isnt around too). He finds nothing useful about counseling, but we have no way of talking about our problems on our own without things blowing up or remaining unchanged. (When I ask him how he would like to resolve something, he has no idea.) I will take the advice on the books here. Thanks so much. |
Anonymous
| Kids will thrive in a one parent, two parent, grandparent, etc. household. Truly, they need to feel & be safe and feel loved. I remember after my parents' divorce feeling safer, not because my dad was mean/abusive, but because our life was more predictable. When a marriage is not working, it is hurting the kids. They pick up on the hurt that parents feel. My suggestions, for what they're worth, when you do decide on the divorce approach it positively, keep visitation amiable, never put kids in the middle, and only have nice things to say about the other parent in front of the kids. Protect yourselves and protect your kids. |
Anonymous
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it took me a long time to go thru w my divorce. I asked 5 years ago & was ridiculed & my husband threatened to 'fight you tooth & nail for the kids'. I was too scared of that. Ten months ago I finally left. Finally I got up the courage to tell someone detailed info about what i was enduring--really private (sexual) things that i couldn't tell my friends. That person said "you are being abused." I said what about my kids?!!--the reason i kept staying. and the person said "this is your life. You need to get out." Somehow it was the permission i needed. Sure I'm lonely & facing huge financial/lifestyle changes, but I am free. And i am the best mother I've ever been. My household is calm & loving now, not perfect, but a much healthier environment.
Ask yourself this: after years of work & therapy will he be capable of being a better person? my answer was no. Divorce is terrible. But you will find huge support from those of us who have been through it. Amazing support from all kinds of surprising people who have been through it. |
Anonymous
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Today I sit here and read all of your replies. I just had my second child about 3 months ago. About 3 weeks after my delivery my husband for the second time around dropped the bomb shell that he doesnt want to be in this relationship any more, but due to the fact that he would leave me and my children in financial difficulty if he leave, hes staying. In the meantime I cant take the emotional abuse anymore. Its starting to interfere in my ability to be a good mother to my children.
He also admitted to having affairs more than once and shows no regret... As a matter of fact he told me that he can not give me any guarantee that he wont do it again, because this is just who he is. I am today one of those woman who are in denial. How do I ask him to leave? How do I cope with still loving him after all he did to me? Im desperate for someone to just give me advise and assure me that there is Life After Divorce!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone please email me with some moral support vdmerwe.odette@gmail.com |
Anonymous
So sorry Odette  Know you are NOT alone, so many of us have been through this too.
If you have a little baby, you may want to bide your time a little bit. Make a plan, take small steps. First, can you avoid having sex with him? If he's unfaithful there's a health risk. If you haven't slept with him since you found out about his adultery, it may help you have grounds and speed your divorce along later. Meanwhile, gather facts. Last couple of years tax returns. Recent paystubs. Bank account info. Can you get proof of his adultery? Go to the library if you can get away from the kids, and look up your state's child support calculator. Read the book, "What every woman should know about divorce". Don't do anything he can hold against you - no drinking, drugs, boyfriends, etc. etc. I don't imagine it will be easy for you to find money for a lawyer right now. There have been posts on these forums before, perhaps the Off Topic forum recently, of women in abusive situations looking for help to get out. Folks have posted the names of organizations that can help. I can't find the threads now - can anyone else? |
Anonymous
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Know it will be hard.
Very. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It is WELL worth it. Make the decision. Commit to what you are doing because it is best for your kids. Then just keep going no matter how hard it gets. You will be fine. You will be better off and happier. So will your kids. So will your husband. You can do it! |