DH is a superficial ass
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
OP here. I AM taking measures to take off the weight. He knows this. You are correct but I am really hurt and feel rejected. He has no interest in me no that is really hurtful. I am taking the weight off for me.not so he can find me sexy. It hurts me because many guys are in fact attracted to wives who are bigger than me. I would try to lose the weight any way but it hurts me, that he finds me gross. I might never get over that. He will never be the guy I need him to be. |
Anonymous
No, why? |
Anonymous
| I also feel his weight issues are coloring things. |
Anonymous
If you've drastically changed in size, he can't force himself to find you sexy either |
Anonymous
I know |
Anonymous
Sigh. Don't you see, OP, that love is always a work in progress, and that if everything goes well, it is never "unconditional"? It's only when something becomes life-threatening that love becomes unconditional, because the person might die and might not be there to be loved. Pressure is created from outside that doesn't exist in everyday life. I really hope you, and others who have posted professing outrage, can understand this crucial difference. Perhaps this is why there are so many divorces in our modern life. People are brought up to think that you find your true love and then you can just be assured of that love forever no matter what you do, and can focus of other things, like kids and jobs. It doesn't work like that. Sometimes it's bloody difficult to keep the spark alive. And if you're talking about someone who cares deeply about staying slim and fit, and you gained weight and don't work-out, then isn't it obvious he's going to be disappointed? You'd be disappointed and concerned, too - it's irrefutable that overweight people have more health problems. I've noticed that more and more people have a weird body image philosophy. Apparently it's never OK to mention the f word or comment on someone's appearance, unless they look too slim and might be anorexic. All because more than two thirds of the adult population is overweight - they make the mistake of confusing the norm with healthy. And this walking on eggshells should extend into the bedroom? How terrible, to be a concerned spouse and not even be allowed to utter legitimate concerns! That's not the kind of marriage I signed up for. We are direct with each other, and prefer it that way. In all close relationships, you have to make an effort to separate the message from its delivery. He told you a truth you didn't want to hear, fine. You can manifest your displeasure at being spoken to like that. But you'd better listen to the real message, otherwise YOU will be the loser. |
Anonymous
| There is nothing gorgeous about being fat. Why are you surprised that he isn't interested in you sexually? It's your fault, as it's your responsibility to look attractive for yourself and your partner. |
Anonymous
| I don't fault you for getting fat, OP. It seems, however, that you are unfairly placing the burden on your husband to completely set aside his needs to attend to your need to be validated, despite the reality that he doesn't find your current physique to be attractive. |
Anonymous
|
So, reading through this 2 things stick out to me about your reaction.
1) you seem very hung up on the fact that you think he should find you attractive unconditionally. But loving someone unconditionally and being attracted to them unconditionally are two separate things. If he had said "you are too fat, I don't love you anymore"...that's one thing. While obviously it's not ideal for someone to get married and then drastically change their body type (bc, presumably, their spouse was attracted to their body as-was), yes: if they love you, it should be unconditionally...regardless of weight / appearance / etc. But being attracted to them, that's a more primal force; like it or not, people (men especially) are visual creatures. You like what you like, and to some extent you can't help that. Bringing us to: 2) obviously him saying this really hurt you, and I'm not saying you're unwarranted in feeling that way. I don't know how he said it, obviously, and it's probably a different story if he came from a place of love and honesty as opposed to rudeness and criticism. That said, why is wanting to be attractive for / to your spouse such a bad thing in your mind? I'd venture to say it's something many married people actively strive for...the whole "I'll lose it for myself, NOT for him" thing kind of rubbed me the wrong way |
ZachF
Member Offline
Member Offline
Stop comparing obesity to cancer or yourself to a cancer patient. You don't contract obesity like you do cancer. People with cancer fight for their lives. They agree to go through agonizing, painful, humiliating, horrible treatments just to buy a little more time on this earth. Many do it knowing they still won't survive, but just to have more time (with a reduced quality of life) with their loved ones. What they go through just for that in no way compares to you suffering through a bit of diet and exercise where you will feel healthier and more attractive with each pound shed. And you compare that to chemo, radiation, and having body parts removed? So OK, I'll play along anyway. You caught this sickness somehow and now you are fat and unattractive to your husband. I have good news! Unlike cancer, you can be completely cured and will only feel better and look better the whole way through "treatment." Unlike a cancer patient, you won't die from this no matter what you do, you don't need surgery, your hair (fingernails, toe nails, eye lashes, eyebrows, and pubic hair) won't fall out. You won't puke for days, unable to figure out what foods you can hold down. You only need to eat smart and get more exercise and your husband will be all over you. That's it!! Will you do it? I'm sorry to tell you but love and attractiveness is NOT unconditional. Would you still be attracted to him if he stopped bathing and let his toenails grow out? He gave you his honest feelings and you make no mention in this thread about doing anything about it. Just, why can't he accept my fat self? Why doesn't he love how I look no matter how many pounds I pack on? Give me a F'ing break. You could change, but you think he should change his view on what he finds attractive because that would be easier on you. Doesn't work that way and you know it. |
Anonymous
|
Thanks for all the advice.
I do have a diet plan I am working with my doctor on. I have lost both my parents within a year of each other ( in their 60s) and maybe that contributed to the weight gain and the need for feeling some unconditional love. |
Anonymous
|
Does it make you feel better to call him a superficial ass?
It is okay now for him to call you a fat bitch? |
Anonymous
Do you not see how this comes across as manipulative? You are trying to use this stuff to guilt people into validating you. It's OK to just be honest and say that you embarrassed or unattractive, or you are hurt that he doesn't find your weight attractive, but don't use your parents' passing, or other drama in your life, as a guilt trip for people. Just be honest and objective. |
Anonymous
|
Tell that ass to go to hell.
If my husband EVER told me I was fat and unattractive I'd lose 180 pounds over night and have him served with divorce papers the next day. What a mean thing your husband did. Take his shit and find happiness without him. Who the f does he think he is ? God's gift ? I would never let any man tell me to lose weight. For him. F him. |
Anonymous
| Find a dude who likes chubby chicks and have an affair. That'll teach your husband. |