3rd grade teacher is a yeller
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Anonymous
Yes I would speak up and not tolerate this. |
Anonymous
I wish I trusted our school principal like this. I do not. |
pbraverman
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Reading this brings several thoughts to mind. Perhaps one or more will be helpful. Effective teachers rarely raise their voices in anger or frustration; "rarely" is about how often, as a division head, I'd tolerate a teacher's yelling. But most teachers who yell aren't child-hating monsters; they are over their heads in a situation and need help to manage it. That also means that aggressive confrontation by an angry parent is likely to lead to a teacher's becoming defensive, which isn't usually helpful. Luckily the OP seems smart and level-headed. In general, a concern in an organization should be addressed first to the responsible party closest to the concern. (Isn't that how we'd all like to be treated in our workplaces?) I'd send the teacher email and ask for a time to talk. Present your concern as DATA as much as possible — just the facts, not any judgments: "My son tells me that you often yell at him and the other students in the classroom. He said you yelled at him Monday morning for doing his homework before school started." Follow with what you've observed yourself: "He says he's scared you'll yell at him when he comes to school." Ask a completely open-ended question about her view: "Can you tell me more about that from your perspective?" And then STOP. Let her explain what's going on. If she's silent for a while, do not rush to fill the space. When she replies, listen to her sincerely; see if you can learn anything. Many times I had an upset parent approach me only to find that the student's perspective and the teacher's differed significantly. That offers the basis for a discussion to clear up misunderstandings and build a strong relationship. She may even say, "My goodness, I'm so sorry, I had no idea. I really appreciate your letting me know and I'll try to be more conscious of it." It doesn't always happen that way, but sometimes... If you cannot find common ground, tell the teacher you're frustrated, and you'd like to meet with her and the lower school head. Reassure her that you know she has your son's best interest in mind (it's a very rare teacher who doesn't), but that you'd like some help to resolve the situation. She might not like that suggestion, but it's way better for her not to like your approach than to think you're selling her out by going over her head. Don't start with an administrator, but don't rule out involving one either. I know this might sound like an overly soft, New Age-y approach to some people. (If you only knew me, haha.) That's because school administrators are usually disposed to moving situations forward, rather than simply granting a parent license to flap her arms and say, "Look at me, I'm SO angry!" There's always time to get angry if you must — but once you've crossed that line, it's hard to reel it in, so I think it's worth trying not to go there if you can avoid it. None of us as parents wants to be judged in the moments we're frustrated over our children, and the OP sounds like an eminently reasonable person. Aside: For those interested in the topic of confrontation without antagonism, Susan Scott's book, Fierce Conversations, is something of a go-to for lots of school people — and real people too! Finally, remember that children are almost endlessly resilient. In a year or two, in the worst case, your son will remember third grade as "that year with the teacher who yelled a lot." (Mine was fourth grade. I survived her. But the 11th grade English teacher who hated me — now he left REAL scars!) Your son won't be damaged permanently and he will likely even learn some valuable coping skills he can apply when he has a coach or a landlord or a professor or a boss who's a yeller. I don't know how tough this situation is, but unless your son is weeping every other day, reassure him that he'll get through it. And then model getting through it for him — i.e., don't panic or over-react if you can help it. Struggles are valuable and necessary; if we shield our kids from them they won't build the skills they'll need later, when parents can no longer intervene. My two cents. Plus another four or five. Sorry to go on so long; these situations are almost always multi-dimensional. Peter _____________________ Disclaimer: The anonymity here makes me uncomfortable; it's easy to be uninformed, personal, or simply mean-spirited if people don't identify themselves. For that reason, I have an account so you know whose words you're reading. I have more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in independent schools, and I hope I can be helpful to some folks. If you don't like something I've said, you're in good company — there's a long line of past students ahead of you.  If you want to chat further, please feel free to contact me offline: peter <at> arcpd <dot> com
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Anonymous
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Peter - Thank you. I feel like you should send me an invoice for the therapy. I'm OP. I'm not angry. But I also don't let things that are within my control go unremarked on, if I can help it. Some would call that 'being a busybody', others may not have the time to deal with these annoyances and are glad that someone else handles it.
She's taking advantage of her control and dominance over 8 & 9 year olds. It's a step too far. I don't doubt that she's a committed educator (and has been for 20+ years - she's not new to this), but she leaves a film of fear at the end of the day. It's very different from 2nd grade which was all sunshine & daisies. But you're right about kids being resilient. He's OK. Not overly hurt. But is sometimes hurt. That's why I feel like I should at least make some comments that can be reflected upon. BUT - she's an old dog and I doubt that anything I say will change any behavior. And - to the PPs about the homework. We are in a new afternoon routine as of the new year, so he was rushed and forgot his math workbook. I think it's OK to drop him at school early the next morning to finish an assignment. It's what real people would do to solve their own oversights. Homework completion is rarely an issue. I just used that as the example of what prompted the yelling this week. |
Anonymous
| Our teacher got worse after I spoke to her and the Head of School did nothing. We pulled DC mid year. Just think of how your child feels with that teacher all day, 5 days a week, AND you are paying for that? Certainly try to work it out with the school but keep fighting if they don't help your son out. Peter (above poster) might need to go to a safe room and play with some play doh! |
pbraverman
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Best advice I've gotten all week. Send me the address!
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Anonymous
| My kids complain about this as well. I would speak to the teacher. I also expected my children to suck it up because you must deal with difficult people throughout life. I can't always go in and fix problems. My children to tend personalize the teacher's yelling at other students or the class in general, which I told them they need to block that criticism out and move on if they are following the rules. |
pbraverman
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I find it challenging to understand the texture of a situation without being involved in it, and I'm surprised by how many people in this forum make pronouncements with such certainty. I've worked with parents who become very upset over the routine-give-and-take of sixth graders, and I've worked with parents who have brought to my attention significant issues that I'd missed for any number of reasons. Spoiler: I found it easier to reach happy outcomes with people who assumed my intentions were good, and when I did my best to remember that about others. I agree completely that you're right to address it. I hope it was clear that I did not mean to discourage that. Rather I meant to offer some suggestions about how it might happen most effectively from the school's perspective, and it sounds like you read those in the spirit in which I intended them. Thanks for that. I was always grateful for the parents who raised real issues in a thoughtful way and helped me to understand them, but administrators are human too: defensive, eager to be liked, protective of our "flock," and sometimes a little sleep-deprived! Ultimately it helps me to remember that we all want the same things, and we are all imperfect in pursuing them. As for my therapy: I'm glad to see my work has now cured you of all emotional frailties. I'm not proud — let me know where to send the invoice!
Peter |
Anonymous
| Is this Woods Academy? |
Anonymous
| OP here - my issue is not at Woods Academy |
Anonymous
| We had the exact opposite situation with our $30k+ school where my 2nd grader's teacher would talk very softly. And I have a boy's boy who was a little rambunctious and full of energy at that age. He could have used good boundaries and a somewhat firm and louder voice...above the level of soft. Instead he was on a behavior plan for almost the ENTIRE year where he was judged 6-7 times throughout the day with smiley, straight, or frowning faces. It began to make my psychotic, so I can only imagine what it did to my son. At first I was all for it, "discipline him, do whatever.." but after seeing that there was no change in the month or 2, I asked for it to stop. I got complete push back from the teacher and wet rag response from the school. Just because you are doing private does not mean you can outsource being an aggressive advocate for your child. I made that mistake and will NEVER make it again. I still feel badly 2 years later and he occasionally talks about feeling like 2nd grade was a "bad year" for him. The school, like many, just does not understand how to successfully teach a "typical" boy. I wonder if that is why she is yelling...she also may not understand how children have different needs. |
Anonymous
| Peter, you are not Dr. Phil. Please repeat, "I am not Dr. Phil." Now go back to your coloring book. |
Anonymous
Did I miss something here? What does this mean? |