How to leave

Have you ever seen that documentary about the people who have committed suicide off the Golden Gate Bridge?. A few people have miraculously survived and have said that as soon as they jumped, they knew they'd made a huge mistake. They actually did not want to die but just couldn't think of anything else to end their pain. What they later discovered is that there were ways to manage the depression and life is worth living. I would highly encourage you, OP to reconsider alternatives to ending your life. Leaving your family would not be good, but far better than ending your life. I think children of parents' who have committed suicide are often haunted by it for the rest of their lives. Perhaps you haven't tried the right antidepressant, everyone reacts differently to each one. Perhaps you haven't tried the right therapy. Cognitive-behavior therapy does wonders. There are options, there are alternatives, there are solutions, you just have to keep trying to find them.

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01/31/2016 14:13

Subject: Re:How to leave

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Anonymous

It sounds like you think your kids would be better off without you. Trust me, no matter how depressed you are and how incompetent you feel as a parent, you being there is far better than killing yourself. I can tell you want to do the right thing by your family. Killing yourself is NOT it.

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01/31/2016 15:55

Subject: How to leave

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Anonymous

OP here. Thanks all. I'm ok. Sort of shocked that I wrote it all out liken that to be honest. I think I'm going to copy and paste the message and send it to my therapist. I'm not going to the hospital, because as hopeless and worthless as I feel, I couldn't bring myself to do anything that would cause myself physical harm - mainly because it would hurt my kids and husband. I know I'll have better days because I've done this dance too many times to count (the only person I've ever voiced my desire to kill myself to is my therapist- I can't imagine burdening anyone I care about with that info when I feel sure that I'm not in physical danger.) The repetitive nature of it makes it worse sometimes. I know I'll feel better one day, but I know I'll also have plenty more days of feeling like this. And it's not great motivation to push through this time just so I can face down these demons again later.

I'm going to spend the rest of the day holding the baby and letting the bigger kids watch TV and climb on me on the couch. I'll make it to tomorrow and then maybe I'll have a little bit of light come into the darkness.

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01/31/2016 16:07

Subject: Re:How to leave

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MikeL
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Joined: 10/28/2014 10:38
Messages: 1006
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Thanks for the update, OP.
Please keep us updated about how things are going for you.

profile p.m.

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01/31/2016 16:15

Subject: How to leave

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. I'm ok. Sort of shocked that I wrote it all out liken that to be honest. I think I'm going to copy and paste the message and send it to my therapist. I'm not going to the hospital, because as hopeless and worthless as I feel, I couldn't bring myself to do anything that would cause myself physical harm - mainly because it would hurt my kids and husband. I know I'll have better days because I've done this dance too many times to count (the only person I've ever voiced my desire to kill myself to is my therapist- I can't imagine burdening anyone I care about with that info when I feel sure that I'm not in physical danger.) The repetitive nature of it makes it worse sometimes. I know I'll feel better one day, but I know I'll also have plenty more days of feeling like this. And it's not great motivation to push through this time just so I can face down these demons again later.

I'm going to spend the rest of the day holding the baby and letting the bigger kids watch TV and climb on me on the couch. I'll make it to tomorrow and then maybe I'll have a little bit of light come into the darkness.

OP, please do send the message to your therapist. You should not have to suffer a minute longer. Have you ever discussed with your therapist a short-term inpatient stay? Your medication may need to be tweaked and a week in a clinical setting may provide you the relief you need. It would also give you the space to prioritize your health.

Good luck OP. I am praying for you.

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01/31/2016 16:34

Subject: How to leave

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:I lost my mother to suicide, and a friend killed herself shortly after having her second child.

You say you love your children, but believe me, if you decide to kill yourself, you might as well take out a very sharp kitchen knife and stab them in a million places, don't let them die, just keep doing it year in, year out, for the rest of their lives.

I'm sure my mom thought my sisters and I would be better off without her, but she could not have been more wrong. As an adult, I've often thought that my mother ought to have left, moved to an island in Maine, pulled herself together and just stayed alive so she could see us again, meet her grandchildren, be there when we needed her. My mother did not make that choice, but you can, OP.

Plus, I don't know what you've been taking for depression, but there are a lot of physical conditions that can make you depressed: hormones, thyroid, adrenals, certain diseases like lupus. If you are done with medications, what about natural remedies, things like b vitamins, 5-htp, st john's wort, fish oil and exercise, exercise, exercise!!

Go see an integrative medicine doctor or a holistic practitioner, get a complete physical workup, and see if they find a physical root of your depression.

BTW, antidepressants really don't work, not in the long run, because they do not address the physical issues that underlie depression. They simply mask it, which is why they might work at first, and then their effectiveness wanes.

Therapy does not deal with underlying physical issues either, so it's not going to make any difference either, but it can help you cope a bit.

If you love your children, do not kill yourself, OP. You will hurt them more than you can possibly imagine, wounding them permanently. If you need to take a break to save yourself, then do it. Get away, get help, just stay alive until you can find the way to deal with the underlying causes of your depression, which are obviously physical.

Hugs to you, OP. You will get better, you must believe it.

x 100 to all of this.

OP - I respect your transparency and honesty in such a difficult situation. It takes balls to be so vulnerable.
Please don't ever kill yourself. Please. Don't ever kills yourself.
You matter. To your children - to me - and to so many others who are reading and agree, but will never, ever post.

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01/31/2016 16:37

Subject: How to leave

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. I'm ok. Sort of shocked that I wrote it all out liken that to be honest. I think I'm going to copy and paste the message and send it to my therapist. I'm not going to the hospital, because as hopeless and worthless as I feel, I couldn't bring myself to do anything that would cause myself physical harm - mainly because it would hurt my kids and husband. I know I'll have better days because I've done this dance too many times to count (the only person I've ever voiced my desire to kill myself to is my therapist- I can't imagine burdening anyone I care about with that info when I feel sure that I'm not in physical danger.) The repetitive nature of it makes it worse sometimes. I know I'll feel better one day, but I know I'll also have plenty more days of feeling like this. And it's not great motivation to push through this time just so I can face down these demons again later.

I'm going to spend the rest of the day holding the baby and letting the bigger kids watch TV and climb on me on the couch. I'll make it to tomorrow and then maybe I'll have a little bit of light come into the darkness.

At the presence of light, all darkness must flee. Scientific fact. Seek out light, goodness, and surround yourself with it. Hugs and love to you OP.

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01/31/2016 16:41

Subject: How to leave

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Anonymous

I spent many years down that dark, dark depression hole. I didn't want to die, but I wanted the pain to end. And death seemed like the only way to end the pain. I spent many years hoping to find the courage to finally take my own life and end the pain.

I also tried many meds that didn;t work. It felt like a random, 'try this, it might work' and when it didn't, 'okay try this other random drug'. I luckily found the Amen Clinic (many locations around the country, but I went to the one in Reston VA) and did a brain scan. They discovered the type of depression I had and prescribed the right medicines (and supplements) --finally! One of the meds had bad side effects, but at least it took the pain away (so I put up with the side effects for a little while).

Then over time, my brain healed. I was able to get off the one med with bad side effects and stayed on the other 2 for a few more years. Then, I stopped taking those too. I've been med free and depression free for 5 years. I think the right combination of drugs helped repair my brain.

Please keep trying to find a way to heal your brain. (Talk with your therapist about ECT.) I know it's hard to see it right now, but there is still hope...