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My 6 yr old shoplifted...what on earth do I do?
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Anonymous
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Myself, almost 7 year old daughter and girlfriend) went to a really fancy hotel/casino.
DD's been there before. Was very good the whole time...as usual. When we were''re checking out, my daughter and I went to a shop, picked out 2 gifts to give to my girlfriend (who made this vacation happen). One of the items I asked dd if she wanted to give was what she stole. At the time she said "no" and I went to pay for the purchases. She came over to me within seconds and now that I think of it, she went back over to the things this item was amongst. We stopped to eat on the way home and while they were in the resturant ordering to go, I found the "item" on the back floor. I felt like someone punched me in the heart. I have talked to her about lying and still catch her doing that...silly little lies. I gave her a "break" for a year after my divorce and went gentle on her but it seems since I've gotten more aware, she's doing more wrong things. Or maybe she was doing the lying all along and I didn't realise it because of being in my own world. Lying like : did you brush your teeth? "Yes, Mama" and she didn't....those kind of things. But now...after I have told her about stealing/shoplifting and for crying out loud we even stopped somewhere that had a sign on it she read "A free ride in Sherriff XXXX's car if you shoplift from this store." Yet....I have stolen crap in my pocket! 
I don't know what to do with her. I don't know if I should call the gift shop or just take it back when we (NOT with DD. no way is she going for a while) go back next month. I know she needs to have enough punishment to get it thru her head that THIS IS WRONG. Help? |
Anonymous
| Personally, I would take her back to the store, have her return the item, explain that she stole it, and make her apologize to the manager. She will probably come away from it never wanting to shoplift again. |
Anonymous
| I would also take her back to the store and make her return it and apologize. |
Anonymous
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except the store is 4 hours away.
Had i caught it before we we're 30 minutes from home, that is exactly what I would do. we were on holiday...so not we weren't right up the street, ya know? Thanks anyway! |
Anonymous
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the only thing I can think of doing at this point is to call the gift shop at the hotel and pay for it over the phone.
Then she will return it herself when she goes there next....which could be months from now. We go as a family about twice a year. But in the meantime - I am unsure of how to GET IT THREW HER HEAD NEVER TO DO THIS AGAIN. Logical talking...done that. Explanation and discussion. Done that. ?? TIA |
Anonymous
| I would still probably take her back... but if you can't make the long trip again, make her call the manager, tell what she did, and mail it back with a letter of apology. She has to apologize to someone other than you and she HAS to return the merchandise. She should also get punished in addition. |
Anonymous
| I think the last thing you want to do is call and pay for it -- that just teaches her that if I take it now, Mom will pay for it later, no harm done. |
Anonymous
| I would consider losing a weekend day and drive her to the shop to give the item back. It sucks but it will really bring that this is wrong home to her. |
Anonymous
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A big inconvenience to me but I agree with you....it would drive the message home.
Thank you very much! Anyone have any ideas on what to do with her in the meantime? |
Anonymous
| 09:43 pp here. I think if you have already talked to her about it, I would let it lie. Personally, I would not have another punishment on top of an (ugh) 8 hr round-trip and the embarrassment of apologizing. But... I would do that sooner rather than later. She made a big mistake, she needs to rectify the mistake, and then she should be forgiven. If it happens again, perhaps the consequences should be more severe. |
Anonymous
Absolutely. Many kids do this. This is the best way to teach them consequences for their actions. I still remember my mother doing it to me, when I took some gum from Giant Food in the 70s. |
zumbamama
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| I would at least take a privilege away for a couple days...a favorite toy, tv show, etc., if you can't go all the way back to return it. And then I might get out this book I have called "Lying" or the "Little Boy Who Cried Wolf" story. Or maybe there is a similar book about stealing. |
Anonymous
| Yep, I agree with all the posters. Good for you for making the hike! I did this with my son once, and he was so humiliated (not as much as I was) and upset. It sunk in. |
Anonymous
| If she has an allowance, perhaps also have her pay for the gasoline for the trip to return the item, as another "natural" consequence of her action. |
Anonymous
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OK, I'm going to give you a different perspective. One of my kids once took something from a store that we didn't pay for. At first, I probably felt like you- like I had been kicked in the stomach and that I needed to punish him to teach him a lesson. I was glad that I thought before I acted on that impulse.
My kids are generally good. But, people aren't born with values - we have to teach them. So, I considered what I had taught and what my kids had experienced. When we go to the grocery store, I don't let anyone eat anything, unless the deli gives them a sample, because if we have't paid, it doesn't belong to us. But, that is not what they see. They see moms giving their crying kids donuts that obviously haven't been paid for. Or people opening boxes of cookies or crackers to eat while they shop. So, it's a mixed message. Of course I always address their questions and reinforce our values with them. But it's a little unsettling when they see people they know acting otherwise. I then thought about how they act with their friends. At least weekly, they come home with something that another kid gave them. They tell me that they liked it so their friend told them they could keep it. Unless it's a worthless trinket, I have them return it. And, I know this isn't the same as stealing. But, it is relevant because my kids know that if they like something people tend to give it to them. Finally, I thought about the fact that while we've talked about not taking things that don't belong to you, it was the first time it had happened. So, instead of punishing, I figured I had not internalized the message in my kids and now I had to make sure he got the message - what he did was wrong. I talked to him about what you do if you want something and how you can't always have everything you want. I asked him how he felt about having taken something that belonged to someone else without their permission. And, through our conversations, I think he got it. And, we haven't had another incident like that since. As for handling it, I didn't make my son. He was a little guy whom, I believe, didn't completely understand his actions. I didn't think that making him return the item was going to have any benefit, especially given the anxiety that even the thought of it produced for him. Instead, I took care of making the return. One last thought. All kids lie about whether they brushed their teeth. It's part of growing up and it's one of the ways that I taught my kids that I know everything. Not that you should necessarily ignore it, just that it doesn't fall in the same category of the vacation event. |