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Helping a Friend Cope with a Miscarriage
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Anonymous
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Hello All - A really good friend of mine had a miscarriage yesterday. This is unchartered territory for me. Is there anything anyone can suggest to help her cope or anything that I could do or buy for her?
Thanks in advance. |
Anonymous
| Just offer to be a listening ear. Take her for coffee. Just listen and try not to say things like "You'll have another pregnancy," etc. which I'm sure you know already. There are books she can read like, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah L. Davis. |
Anonymous
| tell her that it sucks. because it does. and then just listen and say you're sorry. |
Anonymous
| someone sent me a bouquet of white roses after I had a miscarriage, which I really appreciated. Serveal friends sent me condolence cars which just expressed their sorrow. No mention of "You'll get pregnant agaain" or "Probably for the best if there was something wrong with the baby". |
Anonymous
| When I had a miscarriage a year ago, I didn't really want to talk about it, I just wanted to mourn. Offer to take your friend some dinner - she probably doesn't feel like cooking/cleaning/ etc. Definitely don't say anything about getting pregnant again. Flowers and cards are a nice gesture and thoughtful when she may not want to really discuss it. |
Anonymous
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I think different people will respond differently to miscarriage. When I had mine, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it or talk about it too much. But I also already have 2 children so I think it was a lot easier for me than it would be for somebody who doesn't have children yet. Flowers are always nice, but really not necessary. I think just a simple offer of being there to talk is the best bet.
People may disagree a bit with this, but I also think it depends on (1) how long she was trying to get pregnant (it can be VERY hard if your friend had been actively trying for a long time) and (2) how far along she was. Obviously, a miscarriage at 6 weeks is easier to take than a miscarriage at 18 weeks. I only bring this up b/c it may determine how much or little your friend really needs in terms of support... |
Anonymous
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I disagree with the PP. Different people react in different ways and it is not easier early than later - from personal experience. I appreciated flowers from family and friends - definitely cheered me up - and cards.
What I did not appreciate (although I just smiled when people said these well-meaning, but unhelpful things): - There must have been something wrong with the baby. - You are young - you'll have more. - Just enjoy your other child! - You will get over this. - It is all part of God's plan. (WTF) I really didn't want to talk about it at times. Offer to bring over dinner or to take your friend out. Offer a hug and your condolences, but wait for her to offer details. When she cries, just say, "I am so sorry!" She will probably have another tough spot around her due date for this baby. I appreciated a little email from close friends letting them know they were thinking of me. You sound like a good friend! |
Anonymous
| I agree that everyone responds differently. I had two miscarriages, and I actually liked when people told me of others they knew who had miscarriages, often-times more than I had, and then went on to have a healthy pregnancy and child. I wanted to hear that. I wanted to know there was still hope for me. I would say offer an ear to your friend and take the lead from her. She may not want to talk, but she will certainly appreciate your support. |
latkendall
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| There is a great new book called About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing and Hope edited by Jessica Gross. |
Anonymous
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Be careful about cards and flowers. I keep almost every card I get (birthdays, Christmas, whatever) but after my miscarriage, I didn't want to have put any cards in a memory box of such a difficult time. Also didn't want flowers in my house that would die in a couple days. Too sad.
The best thing you can do is hug your friend, let her cry if she feels like it and listen. And if you know the date she would have been due, be extra attentive around that time when it comes. Very few people will remember, but she will. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| My best friend had four miscarriages and I just sat with her a lot. I asked her what she wanted and needed. She said she did NOT want to talk about it, so we got nails done, watched movies, etc. I told her she can talk about it whenever she wants to or not. I was tried to be around, you know? |
Anonymous
| this probably goes without saying but never suggest the miscarriage could have been prevented by the mother. I had a miscarriage before which I lightly bled for a few days (saw my doctor who found a heartbeat) only to lose the baby a week later....I lived in a three floor walk up, had a toddler. My friend told me (after learning about my loss) that my doctor should have put me on bedrest and I should never have been climbing stairs.... |
Anonymous
| I agree that it depends very much on the circumstances, and on the person. I miscarried my first pregnancy, very early, and was quite comforted to learn that some doctors estimate that almost 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, many so early the mother isn't even aware she was pregnant. It gave me perspective and gave me hope. |
Anonymous
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Just be there for support. I had 4 consecutive miscarriages, and many of my friends were not there for me (like it might have been contagious or something).
One time, I received flowers, which I did appreciate. Another time, a neighbor baked me a ham! (Also appreciated). One thing that helped me greatly was a book called "Silent Grief" by Clara Hinton. She also has a website that hosts an online support community. www.silentgrief.com. Let your friend know that you are sorry for her loss, and offer specifics ("Let's go get a pedi" or "let me bring you dinner on x night" etc.) rather than the "let me know if you need anything" since she will likely not do that - just volunteer to do stuff for/with her. She may refuse, but she may be greatful ... |