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How do you Reconcile Yourself to not Having More children
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pollyanna
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We have a delightful child that we feel very blessed to have. However DC's was a very difficult pregnancy which involved my spending 4 months in hospital quite literally fighting for mine and my kids' loves, losing DC's twin @ 28 weeks, twin staying in-utero until 32 weeks when I had an emergency c-s, living through anxious weeks of NICU, watching other babies lose their battles etc. As a result I was completely traumatized by pregnancy and childbirth and avoided it for two years. When I decided I really really want another it did not happen. I must add that I had DC at 38 and I am now nearly 43 so that also has a bearing and I am also dealing with health issues that stemmed from my pregnancy and others that developed subsequently. Whilst I am seeing a specialist soon after a long wait, I have started grieving for the child I might never have. I guess because I am so scared the Dr will tell me its too risky and that would signal the end of hope. I would love to adopt but DH is totally against it.
I really do feel blessed in having my DC and I do not take for granted the fact that I have a child and many women never do. So I know it is not a tragedy just me wanting to love another child. I hope I don’t sound self indulgent. If you have been there how have you reconciled yourself and moved on? |
Anonymous
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You are not being self indulgent at all. I am so sorry to hear of all you pregnancy difficulties and the sadness you're feeling now. I feel for you that you want another child and are having issues having one.
Though I am not speaking as one in a similar situation, the perspective I *can* offer is one as an only child: I am one, and I can tell you, it's overall been very good. Like anyone, I have had issues with my family, but I have never felt remorse for not having siblings. You will get all kinds of opinions on this, but I just wanted to offer you some comfort there: I have several friends who are only children, and they are outgoing, happy, generous people who surround themselves with many good friends. In my mid 30s, I still maintain friendships with women I've known for over 20 years. It sounds like you are grieving some right now, but I just wanted to reassure you in a way I truly can. Best of luck to you. |
Anonymous
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Your post is timely. I went through the same emotonal experience as you. My pregnancy wasn't tough, but the early months of raising a child (at 40) was tough for me. I felt bead that I didn't start sooner so that I would have more energy and not be so set in my ways. I adore my child-she is 9months old now and until recently, I regretted not putting in more effort to have a second. Partly because of the reasons I listed above, but also because I come from a large, happy family and feel awful that my child won't experience the same craziness that comes from being in a large family. My husband comes from a small family and there is a huge difference when we celebrate major events there, vs. my at my familiy's home. Also, I wondered if my daughter would miss having a sibling.
All that to say that I have finally come to grips with my situation and decided that having a second child. I have a couple friends that are only children and although they admit missing having a sibling, I get comments from friends with siblings that wish they didn't have siblings! It is hit or miss whther or not a sibling will be someone your child will bond with and get along with. In fact, the only children seem a little more well adjusted than the ones with siblings 
I feel that right now, I can devote all my love and attention to my daughter whereas if I had a second child, I would of course love them equally, but it would be physically and emotionally draining for me. I don' think that is fair and that would most likely affect her development in a negative manner. I have compensated for this by being involved with mom's groups so that she has the chance to interact with other children and vsiting with her close age cousins as much as possible. It's not perfect, but it keeps me sane. I feel for you -- try not to beat yourself up over this. I am told (by those with more than one child) that I will regret this decision, and maybe I will. But for now, I am very comfortable that this is the right choice for me. I don't want my children, or me, to be raised by a mother who is frazzled, tired and spreading herself too thin. |
Anonymous
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Have you considered adoption? I work with a woman who adopted her first child at around 50, so you have plenty of time to decide if that is a good path for you. You may not be able to get pregnant and give birth to your own child again, but you still may be able to be a Parent to another child and give your own a sibling. Maybe you can greive the loss of bearing your own child without having to conclude that you will still not have another child in your family.
That said, my sister recently had a hystorechtomy at 33, so she went through this as well. She didn't even think she would have more children anyway (she has three boys....two of whom are twins), but the loss of the power to decide that for herself was very difficult. It seems like you feel guilty....that wanting another one somehow makes you seem ungrateful for the one you have. That's ridiculous. You seem that you are thankful for what you have and you will eventually be able to put this behind you. I think some of these feelings just take time and the realization that there is nothing wrong with feeling this way. Allowing yourself to feel it rather than try to rationalize it away will help you heal faster. Thinking "Oh, there are people in worse situations" is important, but sometimes you just need to feel sorry for yourself for a bit. |
Anonymous
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PP, pollyanna mentioned in her original post that she would love to adopt but her husband doesn't want to. So it sounds like that's not an option.
Pollyanna, I'm there with you. I'm so sorry for your losses and difficulty. I had my child at 38 after much stress and grief. I would love to have another; I would love for my child to have a sibling (though I realize there is no guarantee of a close sibling relationship). My husband doesn't particularly want another child, however. And I think often about having another, but I'm afraid I don't have the emotional wherewithal to face fertility treatment again, or the good possibility that we would not be successful. I think I'm also afraid to try again, to be completely honest. And yet it is so hard to think I won't have another baby. I don't know the answer for myself yet so I certainly have no answers for you, but I wanted to let you know that I understand your feelings. |
Anonymous
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I have a few friends who either have no children (not by choice) and/or have only one child. Some of the things I have heard from them which might be helpful to you in the future is how much time they have for their child. And each can dedicate time to be coach of their child ( or niece/ nephews) soccor team/swim taem or the like. They also develop close relationships with their siblings/friends with kids the same age so that DC has life long relationships. I am one of three - but two older brothers are 1 year apart from each other and I am 5 years behind. I grow up closer to my cousins than brothers. Besides adopting there are many other ways, if and when the time is right, to work with and reach out to other children. Good luck - if it is any help I am pregnant for the second time now and already know that there will be no #3 and am already sad that this will be it - but with infertility issues, age and a past expereince similar to yours (starting bed rest for 4 months very soon) it will not happen.
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