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I've changed, but my friends have not
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Anonymous
| Anyone else out there in the same situation? I have 5 girlfriends from college who all live in DC. We used to be so close. We partied together (and on occassion raised a little hell), went shopping/ate at restaurants together, hung out, and shared our dating/men nightmares, etc...now, I am married and have a child in elementary school. My priorities have changed, I am not able to hang out with them as much, and I am also not so intersted in bars, men, dating, etc. All of my friends are single, no kids. I am the oddball in the group, and I find myself feeling more and more distanced from them. We just don't seem to relate well anymore, and are interested in different things. My friend just turned 36 and had a big birthday bash at a nightclub. I was out of town and could not attend, but I heard about the party from my friends -- basically, it sounded similar to what we would have done together 10 or 15 years ago, ie, get drunk, flirt with guys, etc. etc. I have met other mom friends in the area, but haven't really connected with anyone like I do with my college buddies..my really close girlfriends seem lost to me now that my life has changed...Anyone else in a similar boat? Any advice? |
Anonymous
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Things change and it is hard. BUT, be sure you're not playing little miss married righteous. I'm not saying that you are but . . . a couple of little things you say in your post seem a touch condescending towards their lifestyle choices. Again, it may or may not be that you are exhibiting this to your friends. While they absolutely need to extend themselves to you, do you make SOME effort to go out to happy hour and such? Again, not saying you are doing this or not. I just wanted to put that out there.
It is a difficult chasm to breach. Have you tried to find a playgroup? Mom's group on this board? |
HrCreuzi
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I'm in the same boat. Most of my friends are unmarried and none of them have kids. Some of them have made some effort to brdge the gap (as have I), but a couple just don't seem to try (one even said she was all babied out and didn't want to meet mine until she was older!).
I've worked hard t maintaining the friends who try and find common ground with them. I also work on building new freiednships with other moms. Good luck, it's hard I know! |
Anonymous
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It's funny how priorities change once you have a little bundle. Even getting married is sorta a half step in realizing that everything isn't about you anymore.
I am a similar boat and my hubby definitely is. However, I noticed guys deal with it differently. They can still "bond" and hang out on weekends through football games, golf, ski trips, happy hour, etc. I've come to terms with it. My friends are actually a little curious about how we manage with a baby since I'm the first in my circle of friends. In fact, I think we are actually inspiring one couple to have children. I wish I could help you more. It's hard I agree. Perhaps you can continue to reach out - go shopping, meet for Happy hour (I think PP suggested that), grab a bite. I know it's not as easy as it sounds. Who wants to hear about the crazy party night when you are thinking about your son's first year of kindegarten. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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I posted a similar thought a few weeks ago in "off topic." I think it is hard to come to terms with the changes in friendships. I have a couple of college friends here, but they are either not married or not having kids (and we're at an age where they'd have had them now, if they were going to-age 39-40). My other close friends have moved away (DC is quite transient). I think there is something special about women's friendships that help us during times of struggle and just during our daily lives. I know my life is a daily struggle with working FT and 2 DC under 5, even with a great husband. If you work, seek out women who are in the same chapter in the book of life as you. Some are more receptive than others. I'd keep in mind that you probably have a great ally in your husband. I know my husband has listened to me about this topic before and has been willing to make some adjustments. For example, we're having friends over more often-he's somewhat shy so having people over who he doesn't know so well is not his favorite thing-to foster the friendships we've made.
The other I've been doing is taking time to do something for myself. You could consider a book club or a women's discussion group-whether it's with other moms or not, you'd be surprised at how many other women feel the same and are willing to meet you half-way. Best of luck. |
Anonymous
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Well, here's the thing. If you aren't married and/or don't have kids, and you enjoy your life, then you have no "reason" to change. If you don't enjoy that life any more, then you probably wouldn't enjoy hanging out with them.
However, you mentioned some non-partying things that you all used to do together--like shopping and going out to eat. If you really want to hang onto these friendships, I would suggest that you schedule some time with them to do these things. Maybe you could even do a girls' weekend away. OK--so you're not interested in bars in general anymore. Neither am I. But I can still have fun doing it for a night here or there. I went with a bunch of girlfriends to Dewey beach one weekend a few years ago. I was the only one who was married at the time. We sat on the beach all day one day, and hit the outlets all day the next...and did the bar/club thing for one night. Even though I was out of that lifestyle generally...it was still fun to do for one night, especially when I knew I could sleep in the next day with no kids running around. |
Anonymous
| I am the OP. I don't think I am playing little miss righteous married. In fact, I normally do not bring up my hubby or DD unless someone in the group mentions them, and I don't go on and on about them, b/c I am sure it is boring for them to listen to me talk about my DD's day in school, etc. The group tends to be down on men in general, so of course, I do not bring up the fact taht I am married. Unfortunately, I cannot do any happy hours b/c I am responsible for picking up my DD from school. Hubby cannot help out in that department. However, I have done some weekend stuff and I have gone to restaurants wtih my friends, and I try to get together with them as much as possible (which unfortunately, ends up being once every month or two). Sometimes I rearrange my schedule, hire a sitter, or get hubby to babysit, whatever, and plan to do something with the group, but then plans fall apart or change on their end, and I cannot be that flexible - ie, I have a certain timeframe when I can join the group, and if it changes, I am SOL. I think I agree with a PP who said that the group should not have to change, since they have no reason to - I guess I am sort of sad that I don't have my best friends to share motherhood with, and that our lives are so different. I do work full time, so there's not much time for mom's groups, and unfortunately, my field is male dominated, so not too many women at work for friendship. Guess I just have to accept it. Thanks for the advice. |
Anonymous
| OP - Yes, I have the same issue with my single friends. Lucky for me, most of my friends do have young kids, so I still have plenty of close friendships. But with the single ones, there is either tension or misunderstanding or it is just more difficult to maintain a close connection (yep, they just don't understand why I can't reschedule something at the last minute, or why going to movie during dinnertime on Sundays isn't my first choice). I remember when some of my friends started getting married and having kids when I was in my late 20s, however, and how I felt left out and disconnected with their worlds. So I try to maintain a connection with my single friends now in the hope that in time we can become reconnected. Meanwhile, I would urge you to keep trying to make friends with other new moms. |
Anonymous
| Hi OP - since we had kids, I found my new group of friends - a lot of them are just neighbors since we moved to family friendly neighborhood. It is also much easier to work on a relationship when somebody lives a few houses down the street, you can easily plan a bbq or playdate etc. Would that be an option for you? I also work FT but there are weekends.... |
Anonymous
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OP, I feel for you. I have only 2 close friends from college, and both are single/no kids. They are really sweet and accomodating though and show a lot of interest in my dd.
I do see it a lot with my dh though. In particular, his "best friend" from childhood still lives in their hometown on Long Island and is in a totally different place. He is obsessed with dating (not marriage) and will only date "supermodel" types, which explains why he doesn't date much. He's also obsessed with sports cars and those online multiplayer games that guys play for hours at a time late at night. He doesn't understand why DH is not interested! He doesn't visit very often, but when he does I basically just have to make plans to be elsewhere. He wants to go drinking, see "guy" movies and play video games. He doesn't seem to have a clue about "co-ed" activities, let alone kid friendly. Sorry, I guess I am ranting. And I don't have much advice, but just wanted you to know that its normal. I have no REALLY close friends, except DH and my mom. I have lots of acquaintences and other moms to hang out with, which is nice, but no one I would call and cry to if I had a real problem. |
Anonymous
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I found that you lose some single friends for a while. Sometimes the friendship ends up on hold until your lives become more compatible, e.g. one of them become seriously attached to someone...
It's hard, but you need new friends. |
Anonymous
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OP- I could have written your post. It's really hard to be in a different place from your closest friends. My college girlfriends have been like sisters to me. Having lived together, we spent so much time together day and night at a time where we were going through that transition from late childhood to adulthood. We were all together through first loves, first jobs, etc. and have a bond that can never be recreated. Having shared such a big part of each others lives, I know them (and they know me) better than anyone other than DH. Here it is 15 years later and I'm the only married one out of our group. Every once in a while, I get away for a girls night and I feel like an outsider (I also often feel like an outsider when we meet for shopping/lunches and they talk about their nights out, people I don't know, etc.) They're still going out to bars, getting drunk (which is no fun for me since DS is a 6 am riser), hooking up, etc. While I often envy their closeness and the fun times they seem to be having without me, I know that they all wish they were married and had babies. It's a classic "the grass is always greener" scenario.
And as much as I love and value my mom friends, we will never be able to spend so much time together and experience the bonding I did with my college friends. Let's face it, as moms, there's no way we'll never again have the escapades we had in our youth that were such bonding experiences. It's sad, but it's also just one of those things that happens. Instead of focusing on the loss I feel from being in such a difference place, I try to be thankful for the friendship that we do have and also to be thankful for my family, which I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. |
Anonymous
I know you didn't mean to sound "self rightous" but I think deep down you look down on them for still being out and partying. I can see this from their place pretty well--I didn't meet my husband until mid thirties and then we got married and had a baby pretty quick. I could have been one of your friends because at 34, I was out in Georgetown with my single friends and painting the town quite a bit. Most of my friends from home and college were married and had kids so I had to endure the reproachful talks about "getting my life in order" and the tsk tsk looks..basically although my friends were/are wonderful, I felt the tension of that I wasn't being a grown up. What they and maybe you don't realize is that it's hard being single in your thirties ..also twenties but when you hit 30 something, you start to wonder what if you don't meet that great guy and you start to feel pressure. Yes going out to bars is not the best and I didn't meet my hubby there but sometimes it's all you know and you keep hoping that he is going to be there..right down there at Daily Grill and you don't want to force yourself to marry the wrong guy either. In a nutshell, don't give up on your friends--understand that they are going through things..just as you are in your married world and know that at some point the worlds will even out esp. if these are good people. Since I married late, I am so sensitive to not being the married lady who forgets that she used to do shots and kiss a few weirdos and had quite a few stories and I make the time to listen to the guy stories and try to get together when I can--it's not going to be the same thing but I am always up for an occassional dinner and can even go out to a bar for fun once or twice a year.
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Anonymous
| i understand how you feel, as i had one friend here, granted she wasn't a long time friend, but a friend, anyway...once she found out i was pregnant, she literally jumped ship! so bizarre. anyway, try to find a balance of mom friends and keep your old friends. it is harder to hang with single friends when you have kids but you can still be friends, just the friendship may change a bit. change is inevitable. keep trying to connect with other moms and eventually you will some that you click with. |