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Am I whining or do others sometimes feel this way?
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Anonymous
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I am the mother of 2 beautiful sons, ages 2 and 4. I have a great husband and I work full time. We have a nice house in VA, and are financially secure. All the great stuff being said, I sometimes think something is missing. When I analyze it, I miss having a good girl friend. My best girl friends from college live no where near me and since we all have kids, we don't get to talk as much as we used to (we're down to a couple times a year). I had a couple good girl friends at my former workplace, but I left the private sector to go gov't so I could see more of my kids and husband, so I no longer see these friends as frequently. Do any other moms out there miss having time to chat with their girl friends about things other than their kids? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids, but I do recall what my life was like before them and I can't help but sometimes be wistful about simpler times. I think Oprah has done shows about the power of women's friendships, I truly believe these type of friendships are very beneficial.
Perhaps I'm nostalgic at this time of year, but I did mention this to my DH (a couple of weeks ago, only now have courage to post) who said, "I'm your best friend, honey, we can talk about whatever you like." This was very sweet, and made my cry a bit. I'm not looking for advice, but want to know if I'm alone. Thanks for any responses |
Anonymous
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No, you're not whiny or crazy or ungrateful. Friends are valuable. They're part of your support system. They hold your hand when you're going through a rough patch. They can see things in crisis situations that you can't.
But it gets harder, as we get older, to make friends. We just don't have the casual, let it grow on its own option anymore when we have families. I'm lucky enough to have made new friends with other moms, but my husband's been quite lonely since moving to the area. Good luck, and best wishes. |
Anonymous
| I agree, you need your girlfriends! Try joining a play group or classes that interest you. Yu may find friendships that way! |
Anonymous
| I am totally with you... 2 boys and no local girlfriend. I've had my share of poor me moments when I'm heading out shopping by myself or can't find a girlfriend to go to a chick-flick with me. I've got really close girlfriends but they all live out of the area. I guess I should be thankful that I've got them to call up when I need some good girl-chat but I still would love to be able to meet a friend for dinner once in a while! I told someone the other day that I feel like I'm back in junior high ... I keep reaching out to women that appear to be compatible to me and keep getting rejected b/c they already have their group of friends. My husband tells me I've got to keep trying and so I do..... |
Anonymous
| Not whiny at all. I feel the same way. None of my friends have had babies yet so they never invite me out anymore or stop by. I think they are afraid they will get pregnant by being near me. I miss seeing them and being a "girl friend" so much. |
Anonymous
| SO with you. DC is such a transient place. I had made really good friends here both in grad school and a past job, and the last of these friends' moving away coincided with my pregnancy last year, so I ended up a mom and friendless simultaneously. It is really hard and I miss our stupid wine and reality TV nights more that I could express! |
Anonymous
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You are not alone. My best girlfriends (and family) all live very far from me. I miss their company so much and often am lonely for them. Lots of activities I would do with my friends, I now do alone or with DS (which is not quite the same!!). As I have gotten older, I found it harder to make the same connections with other women either because of our busy lives or I think that sometimes we all act on our best behavior (at least initially). I would love to have women friends here who I can totally be myself with. Just have to keep trying I guess. Happily, I have met lots of nice new moms who I enjoy spending time with. At the risk of sounding too desperate, I hope that we can nurture these new friendships into comfortable, close ones.
The holidays are especially difficult. Maybe the silver lining is that the distance between us, makes us appreciate each other more! |
Anonymous
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OP here-thanks so much. I just spoke to one of my best girl friends from my last job, she now lives in NJ and last week when I was feeling particularly lonesome, she said that she sometimes feels the same. Like so many of you mentioned, I'll just have to keep trying. I am one of the few working moms on the street where I live, so I do not have so much in common with the moms on my street, but I try to get on with those ladies as time permits. I had developed a nice moms group of friends with some of my guys daycare classmates, but our time to chat is so transient (picking up and dropping off not always so conducive to striking up conversation), plus a lot of them have recently moved away-not away from DC but away from our daycare.
I think you all were right, it takes more effort as we age. Having a girl friend who is approximately at the same place in life (married, kids, job, etc.) makes a big difference. I still love all my single and childless friends, but they do not understand that time constraints that us working moms deal with, so I'll continue to a foster the friendships of those who are at the same place in life as me. I am thankful for the friends I have and thankful for all your thoughts. have a great holiday. |
Anonymous
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Hi--
I felt the same way when I first moved here and, in a seasonally appropriate moment, made it a New Year's resolution to do something about it. I made a point of scheduling lunch dates with one, then two,then three, picking up ones along the way that I thought would like the others, that I thought that I would like, that weren't catty--basically, if you were nice and pretty cool, I started inviting you along. I just had a lunch the other day for 18! It's work entertaining and scheduling etc., but it's a good group, friends have made friends, and five years later, I'm glad I made the effort. |
Anonymous
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Hi. I found that the solution was to bring things into my life that were NOT centered around my son, or my job. Things like volunteering with my house of worship, and with another organization.
Yes, this does take time away from my son sometimes, but it makes my life richer, gives me things to talk about besides my son, and has brought me friendships with a wider range of people. Makes me a better mom, and being engaged with my wider community is something good for my son to witness now, and emulate later. Oh, no you aren't being whiney. However, if you feel this way often, you should make some changes. |
Anonymous
| I don't think you're whiny at all. After college, it gets harder and harder to make new friends. We just don't have the time or proximity like we did then. And once we have children, things really change. I just moved here and I really miss my girlfriends. We also miss the couples we were closest too (my girlfriends and their husbands), and the ability to just have spontaneous dinners and get-togethers. Here it feels like everyone is spread out geographically and so busy all the time. I'm not working now, either, so I don't have that avenue for making friendships. But I think I need to do more to reach out to others because I imagine other women feel the same way. I'm just a little shy and I always assume everyone already has all the friends they need. So I feel the same way, OP. |
Anonymous
Wow, I could have written that, except I have one boy. We moved last year and I have had th hardest time. Seems like most people already HAVE friends and aren't necessarly looking for more, know what I mean? I have my son in playgroups and classes, and while there's a person I might chat with a bit, that's IT. I really miss going to Starbucks with a friend, lunch, anything. I am so grateful for having a wonderful family, health, etc., at the same time, I miss having friends to hang out with... so, count me in as commisserating. |
miriamcmilli
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| No I totally feel the same way! maybe its because I had kids and got married young...who knows...but yeah you are not alone |
Anonymous
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OP here. I'm working on fostering some friendships with some casual female acquiantances and looking at what I need to change about myself. Thanks 12/21 12:11 poster (and all other posters), good to know I'm not alone. I have lived in the DC area for many years, but only now have begun to miss my girlfriends since many have moved away or are very busy with their own kids/jobs/etc. I feel like I've got a lot of acquaintances, but no true "girlfriend"
Here's the really great thing I've got, tons of great guy friends. I work in a somewhat male dominated field and do have a couple very good friends who are men, but just like husbands, they don't always understand us ladies so well and none are particularly into shopping, shoes or chick flicks (HA-at least I'm keeping my sense of humor). I've got one who kicks me in the butt (figuratively) to work out at our on site gym with him during the lunch hour. It is nice to have this outlet to express my feelings. Thanks for the support. |
Anonymous
| This is a great topic. I can relate. My take on it is that this area is so competitive and that competitive nature robs us of the ability to form friendships. People seem to view others as a potential threat. Especially with kids. There are only so many "slots" in all the different arenas and so many kids competing for those slots. No one wants to get to close.....tip their hand. It's sad. I love it when my bff from childhood calls and says ...... "fix a glass of wine, I'll wait, gotta talk!". There is nothing like an old friend. Truely, may the best man win! |