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BIL won't use CPAP machine
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Anonymous
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BIL will not use his CPAP machine for sleep apnea. After a few car accidents, he was told not to drive until they could figure out the issue. He underwent a sleep study and was given a CPAP machine. They tracked his use briefly and he was given the all clear to drive again. But, that was a couple of years ago. He fell asleep last fall and ended up in the median. He used it for a while after that and for about a week everytime I nag.
I'm at my wit's end with nagging him. The machine was given by a sleep clinic, which apparently has no doctor for follow ups. He's a hazard to himself and others when he's driving after not getting enough sleep. For background, BIL lives with us because he has some developmental disabilities. I've tried discussing this with his immediate family and they talk to him, but that's not working. Any ideas? Advice? |
Anonymous
| What about reporting him as an unsafe driver to the DMV? |
bakersman
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| There are different machines and masks. Some are more comfortable than others. For instance, I couldn't stand a full face mask. Also the machine I have has variable pressure so when I exhale there is less pressure, which makes it more comfortable. You may want to experiment with other masks and machines. |
Anonymous
| Sleep apnea also puts those who suffer with it at risk for heart disease, high blood pressure and other illness. Constantly gasping for air all night puts a tremendous strain on the heart. I second the suggestion of trying a different mask or machine. Some machines have a water chamber for comfort, it's impossible for DH to use his without water. Is it possible that he falls asleep before putting on the mask. DH does this sometimes because he doesn't want to put it on and wait to fall asleep. |
Anonymous
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Most people who give up the CPAP machine do it because it is really uncomfortable to be hooked up to. I know in his case there are important reasons, but try to have some empathy rather than nagging. Imagine what it might be like to spend every night for the rest of your life hooked up to a machine that covers your face.
There are improved machines out there. I would see if he can find a better one. I bet there are support groups or sites with CPAP information. I know I read this article a year ago, which had a little useful information. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704107204575039101390202576.html |
Anonymous
| OP here. He has been refitted and he has a machine that uses water. I know it has to be a hassle to deal with and sleep with and had empathy for quite some time. But, after seeing him take too many risks with driving on little sleep, I'm out of empathy and patience. He can take the bus if he doesn't want to use the CPAP, but he doesn't. I am considering contacting the DMV directly. I think that would cause issues in the family. I'd like to take his keys, but he's a grown man. |
Anonymous
Well, you said it yourself. There is nothing you can do beyond what you already have. Adults are free to make their own choices, even if you think they're bad ones. |
Anonymous
| So, I should wait for him to hit and kill someone? Yeah, that sounds like a great plan. Hopefully, it won't be my child. |
Anonymous
How severe are his developmental disabilities? If he's not up to living by himself, it seems to me that you & your husband have some sort of guardian-like relationship to him (even if he's legally considered a competent & emancipated adult). It seems to me that you need to work this out with your husband (& without the involvement of other family members--if you're the ones providing shelter & care, he's your responsibility in a way that he isn't anyone else's). If I were in your shoes, I'd propose to my husband that we tell the BIL that he uses the CPAP or he leaves our house within 30 days. I'm guessing you can also make an anonymous tip to the police or DMV. But if your husband isn't behind you on that, it's an unfair thing to do to your marriage. |
Anonymous
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OP, you need to identify what the actual problem is, and what your possible options are. Then you will know what to do.
Your BIL won't use his CPAP machine, but that is not your problem. He isn't asking you for help using it. Stop nagging him to use it. Your brother in law isn't getting any sleep at night and it impairs his health and ability to stay awake during the day. This is also not your problem. It is his problem and he isn't asking you for help. Your brother in law is driving a car while impaired (by lack of sleep) and you are aware of this. This IS something that affects other people besides your BIL and so morally it IS your problem. You cannot legally take away his car keys or sell his car. You cannot legally forbid him to drive. He's a grown man. You say you want to contact the DMV, but you think that might cause problems with the family? Well, just reiterate what I wrote above. You have no other options. Ignoring the fact that he is driving while severely impaired is not something you can morally do. You MUST inform the DMV of this. You don't have to be nasty about it and you don't have to make it about his not using the CPAP machine. It's about him being impaired while driving because he is falling asleep. It's as bad as being drubk, maybe worse. If you BIL doesn't like the fact that you have turned him in -- he can move out.Then you won't know as much abut his business anymore. Or he may get motivated to use hisw CPAP machine again. If extended family members don't like that you have turned him in, they can take him in. Right now your BIL has everything his way and no one is causing problems for him. So why should he change what he is doing? |
Anonymous
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how to report a driver in VA
http://www.dmv.state.va.us/webdoc/citizen/medical/spec_restrict.asp |
Anonymous
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I think 23:17 provided great focus regarding this problem. Completely agree that discussions/action should center around your BIL being impaired while driving.
This is a huge safety issue to your BIL and everyone else on/near the road (driving, biking, walking). If the extended family can't see that the impaired driving is a major issue and this become a family rift, I say so be it. Hoing for the best for all involved. Thank you for being a concerned in-law and member of the greater community. |
Anonymous
Well said. ITA. |
Anonymous
| Interestingly enough, by posting it here - you've indicated you are aware there is a problem. Now if he does kill someone a good lawyer (who reads DCUM) may conect you and come after you. best of luck! |
Anonymous
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Thanks for the advice. I can't just ask him to leave. It's a long and complicated story I won't get in to here. I have no legal right to ask him to get out.
I will have one last talk with him and make it clear that I will contact the DMV if he continues driving while sleepy. There's not much else I can do. Also, PP, there is no legal obligation to report an impaired driver and I'm not enabling it. |