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Kids With Special Needs and Disabilities
We had our first after-school playdate and it didn't go well...
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Anonymous
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DD will be four in November and is in a mainstream preschool. I brought her to a classmate's house for a playdate (her first with one of her own friends...in the past she has always tagged along on big brother's playdates). Well, her big brother (5.5) ended up playing with DD's friend while DD kind of followed after them but wouldn't talk or interact at all. She wouldn't even answer my questions while we were there, let alone her friend's. She made so much progress over the summer and I was feeling so hopeful that it kind of crushed me to observe her. At home with her brother (and with her parents) she is extremely interactive, constantly playing and being silly and showing a pretty high level of social ability...but of course she is completely comfortable and at ease with her family (her brother is truly her best friend). With her peers she just kind of looks at them like a deer in headlights while they talk to her. She does have a speech delay and her classmates are very verbal and social, so it's hard for her to keep up. We brought her to KKI and they ruled out ASD, but sometimes I wonder...
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Anonymous
| Maybe you could try a playdate at your house? My ds has speech and sensory avoidance issues and our OT/ST reccomended doing one on one playdates at our house to make ds feel more comfortable and at ease. At least at the beginning.. GL! It is so hard to see them have a hard stuff with the social stuff. |
Anonymous
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I agree that your house might be better. Also, is there a reason her brother was there. I know you say they are close, but it may be too tempting for him to step in and "talk for her" and that may make it difficult for the two friends to concentrate on each other.
It will get better! |
Anonymous
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OP, my son has a lot of anxiety and is easily overwhelmed, so playdates are often kind of disappointing to me, too. I'd like to share some thoughts.
First of all, I think it is important to realize that there is a process, and an uneven one at that, to developmental growth. I know it is hard not to, but you have to try not to view each playdate as a test or as an end in itself but rather as a part of the broader goal of encouraging your daughter's social and emotional growth, helping her make friends, etc. If you view it that way, I think your playdate actually sounds pretty successful... there are great signs. She may not have lived up to her greatest potential, but she DID interact: she followed and listened and wanted to be a part of things (maybe in a limited way, but trust me, it could be a lot worse!). It sounds like she wants to participate and that in itself is very important. If you start there, and build interaction little by little, you can surely make progress. A couple of things I think can help the process: I believe that a regular playdate with a particular child, or a couple of them, is much much more helpful than a lot of playdates with different people. I know that setting something like this up is easier said than done, but I think your goal should be to increase your child's comfort level with a friend so that it approximates as much as possible how she feels at home. Otherwise, it could feel to her like she is starting over each time. You have to help her build on her successes. Also, you may have to be very involved in playdates, especially at first, in order for your daughter to participate more actively. I found that if I organized a game, I could draw in my son and get him to interact in a meaningful way with his friends. (This was true for various reasons:obviously he is more comfortable with me and obviously I know his tastes and strengths so I could pick fun things that were more likely to engage him and get him to take social risks.) Once I got something going, I could usually duck out and leave him playing happily. But if I didn't, he'd often end up playing quietly by himself in a corner while his friends talked to me. Good luck with your daughter!! |
Anonymous
| Great post, 20:58, very helpful. OP, I know it wasn't what you were hoping for but as 20:58 said, there were really some positive things going on. You're doing a good job. |
Anonymous
| OP here...thanks so much for the very helpful (and kind!) feedback. Makes me feel a whole lot better. |
Anonymous
| At that age, I always found playdates are better at neutral locations -- park, zoo, ice cream place, etc. As someone else said, you will have to facilitate the playdate. It gets easier -- I promise. |
mabodie
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It has helped us with the other child's house is prepared. One of DC's classmates parents took a long email of mine on what might help and completely re-arranged their playroom. They had probably planned to reorganize at some point but it was nice to have the extra open space and fewer things out. They also put all the really noisy toys away, I think it really helped make her first playdate there more successful.
Not all parents would be so accommodating (this family had an older special needs child so understood the need) but it can't hurt to ask. |
Anonymous
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I have both an NT child and a child with SN, and I agree with much of what has been written. My NT child served as a "regular playdate" for a couple of years with a little girl who had Aspergers. The mom was very involved in the playdates and helped structure the activities but from about 4 til coming up on 6 yrs old, my daughter - who was shy though very interactive - would go almost weekly to play with the other little girl. It took probably until 5.5 yrs old, but slowly the mom pulled back and let the girls just play. I know there was another girl who did this with the child as well. At this point (they are 7 now) the children have playdates on their own, less structured by the mom, and all goes well. At times I do still see them parallel playing - both of them sewing their own projects, for example, or both of them drawing - but they decide together what they are going to do and seem to enjoy being with each other and interacting around their activity.
My son is younger and has struggled with playdates. The same thing has happened as you describe when his older sister comes along - his NT friends end up wanting to play with her. This means I do not take her on his playdates, and I try to schedule his playdates on weekends or after school when she already has playdates. She has her own friends - she does not need to crowd in on his. It sounds like your older child has no problem making friends, so you could ask some of his friends' moms to have him over when you have a friend over for your younger child? I totally agree with a PP about doing regular playdates with one child (or two children) as opposed to a whole bunch with a whole bunch of children. Let your DD get used to playing well with one child, and hoepfully she will be able to transfer these skills to playdates with others. It DOES get better, but it is challenging. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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I second doing it at your house, with the same kid, having a few things planned ( maybe a tea party with kids and stuffed animals) that allows parallel play and social play. And I would not have big brother. He sounds like a sweetie, but his presence means your DD can hang back.
She needs to be one-on-one with her new friend to give both of them a chance to get acquainted. |