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Discliplining Preschoolers (in a positive way)
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Anonymous
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I have an almost 3 year old and 4.5 year old. My older daughter is what you classify was "Spirited/High Need." She is very intense, and very controlling about things. If she wants to, she can follow directions, but when she is mad, she kicks, she scratches me, or she just plain ignores me.
What are discpline strategies that other parents have used to get their children to follow directions or to "play nicely." I hate that I am reduced to threatening to "take away stuff" when she doesn't listen to me. Somehow, it seems counter-productive - she is following directions not because she wants to, but because of fear of losing a privilege, like reading before bedtime, or watching TV, etc... I want her to WANT to be well behaved. Any suggestions of other discipline strategies, and what else I can do to get her to listen? Thanks! |
Anonymous
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Ahhhh... I feel your pain. I have a 4.5 yo very spirited daughter too. I just took an international flight with her where she flipped out for 45 minutes straight - yelling: - I hate you mommy - I am going to get a new mommy - I don't love you And... kicking, pinching, etc. The physical outbursts are actually new to her, although about 6 months ago she went through an awful stage of hitting herself when she is mad. The point is, I really sympathize. So then… what to do: 1) Have you read Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book on spirited children? This was really helpful for me and was great in understanding my daughter. 2) I try to look out for my daughter's triggers - hungry, cranky, unable to share a specific toy - and avoid the total breakdowns as much as possible 3) We work a lot of "problem-solving." Before something happens, we talk about what we are going to do and she comes up with a solution for it. Example: Me - I notice that when it is time for bed sometimes you have a hard time when I turn off the TV because you want to watch more. Here is my problem, and I want to you to see if you can help me solve it - I know that you need to be in bed by 8:00 because if you aren't you are cranky the next morning. Remember how cranky you were yesterday? But I noticed that you get angry when I turn off the TV. What could we do so that you don't feel so angry and also get into bed at the right time. Daughter - Hmmmm.... Let me watch more TV, Me - That wouldn't solve the problem, because you would get in bed too late. Daughter - I KNOW! I can be the one to turn off the TV myself, when you tell me. Now, the thing is, sometimes a solution as simple as that, really does work. But, I guess that still doesn't answer your question, which is about disciplining. For that, we still rely a lot on time outs. Often I find that gives her the time she needs to cool down (and gives me that time too). I try not to resort to taking away things (although I do that too). I try not to yell (although I also end up yelling sometimes). I am curious to see what others do and how they approach this. |
Anonymous
| I have recommended this a few times and it really does work. I have two very high spirited children. Aren't they all? Accountable Kids. com Great positive way to disclipline your child. I love it. good luck |
Anonymous
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Another parent of a challenging 4yo (boy in this case) - I totally sympathize, especially with the PP's recent flight. (We've had a few of those meltdowns on short trips and it's excruciating.) We also rely too much on "taking away stuff" as a means of discipline... or even worse, threats to take away stuff or privileges - because we don't always follow through even though we know that's incredibly counterproductive. Lately we've tried a couple of things that have been somewhat effective --
Positive reinforcement ala this new book that I haven't actually read but have seen profiled in the Wash Post. (Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child) I'm a total skeptic on this sort of thing generally because my son is so tough to handle. But as he's gotten older, he does actually seem to respond to praise, at least to some extent -- so I try to make a big deal when he behaves well or when he is able to de-escalate from a tantrum etc. I'm not sure if we could ever rely on this entirely - but it's a good alternative to taking stuff away. Also we put a childproof cover on the doorknob inside his bedroom - we never keep the door closed, but when he really misbehaves or begins a tantrum at home, we bring him to his room to cool down and basically he's locked in. We don't leave him there long (ideally till he calms himself, never more than a couple of minutes) and we go back in if it sounds like he's really out of control. But I've found that it sometimes keeps tempers on both sides from escalating further - he takes a break and feels much better and the dramas have gotten shorter. It's just a version of a timeout - these had never really worked for us since trying to force him to sit in a naughty chair or something only intensified his tantrums. I like the PP's advice on problem solving. We try to that to some extent but it's very hit or miss. My son is great at making promises before hand or amends after the fact - can recite the rules like a choirboy - but followthough is very spotty. We also avoid all triggers - nap time is sacred and so are snacks for avoiding hunger meltdowns. Without hijacking the OP's thread, I'd love to hear any good ideas on getting 'spirited' kids to avoid potentially dangerous behavior. My son is super-active, and treats any step out the front door as invitation to play tag. He'll take off running in parking lots or sidewalks and I end up shrieking hysterically while running after him which seems to only add to his fun. |
Anonymous
12:57 poster here - Tell us more about accountable kids. We use a rewards chart with mixed success. How is this different / better for your family? |
bai
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| we implemented the "brownie rule" for my DS.He is 4 and a half. (don't know why I chose the word brownie). anyways, for starters he has to collect 20 points and then he gets something of his choice. If he misbehaves we take points away. Its very gradually working. Only 2 weeks now. More magic words spontaneously. I praise him a lot and don't give anymore empty threats like I used to. Also involved his teacher and being very consistent. No multiple chances anymore. we'll see how he does. I do talk more with him, explain things and involve him in consequences. his problem is not tantrums, its more of a constant need to play with someone, talking, seeking attention and not listening. but I do see a change. I don't use negative remarks anymore, like stop or don't. I hope it works. looking for other ideas! |
Anonymous
Hello. I liked your letter, and I'm glad you realized how important it is not to give empty threats. If you say your going to take something away and they test you, make sure you take it away. How many times have you seen a parent say "one more time and were leaving" and ten more times is saying the same thing. Please trust me when I say that calling a child on their bluff will make it easier in the long run. If you give them timeouts, and the same behavior continues, than you need to find out what will work. If he is hitting you, than you need to make him understand, that it will not continue or things around the house will be miserable. If desert is taken away or an early bedtime, whatver, kids can realize that consequences will come for behaviors and if your consistent you will be stunned how fast he or she gets it. Every wants to be their kids friend, but trust me they want you to give them boundaries. Good luck. The great zucchini |