I am really struggling with parenting during these preteen/teen girl years
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soccermdsf
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DD is 12 y/o, in 6th grade (first year of middle school), and was unfortunately funneled to a different middle school from her best friends. They stayed in touch initially but as time has passed, the distance is growing. She tries to reach out and I try to remain superficially in touch with the moms and I try so positive for her and say things like "Teenagers are out of sight out of mind so it's not you", etc. I keep encouraging her to initiate and sure enough, the responses are not very engaging. She will send a group text and ask if anyone wants to hang out after school, no one responds and then she'll see on social media/snap chat that some of them were together. She's trying really hard to reach out and forge new relationships at her new middle school and while she's not being bullied or anything tragic, nothing seems to be evolving to anything substantial.
The second area is she's had so many rejections this year. She is a middle-of-the-road athlete (late bloomer) in all sports but is really coming into her own. For 6th grade, she was cut from her middle school soccer team (but made callbacks), basketball team (but made callbacks), AAU basketball team, and now travel soccer (but made callbacks). We live in a really competitive area and I realize the sports she is trying out for are very competitive. I'm struggling with how to remain positive and upbeat for her. I keep telling her she'll find her path and her tribe and use examples of my friendships but she's losing hope. any insight is appreciated. |
Anonymous
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OP, she needs friends. Can you reach out to her school administrators and see what ideas they have for encouraging friendships there? Are there new sports she might be interested in trying and which could serve as a social outlet? Other interests? Among her old friend group, is there one girl in particular with whom she was close or who might be receptive. Even having just one close friend makes a world of difference compared with no friends. Focus on just getting her one and build from there.
My DD is almost 12 and generally I’ve found Lisa Damour’s books and podcast enormously helpful for parenting a tween girl (and imagine they will be once she’s older). You’re not alone in struggling and there is good expert advice to be had. |
Anonymous
| She needs to make new friends at her current school. Are there no-cut sports like cross country that she could join? |
Anonymous
| Does her middle school have an afterschool program with clubs? What about signing her up for rec league basketball or soccer? With travel soccer, there is always a team that will take your money if she wants to okay. |
Anonymous
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I agree with the idea that all it takes to help her feel a bit better is one close friend and to sign her up for clubs and no- cut sports teams
Also instead of just encouraging her, you should also validate her feelings that yes, it is hard right now and you understand what she’s going through. |
Anonymous
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You need to acknowledge how much everything sucks. My mother was like you and I really wished she’d just say “you know, this year has really sucked for you.” But it was like she was living in some alternate universe where she refused to see reality.
Have your daughter get into community theater or volunteering somewhere and make new friends. Tell her to stop reaching out to the old ones. |
Anonymous
| You don’t say how your daughter feels about all of this? It’s all about you. When your children have no friends, you become their friend. Not in the sense that you are equivalent to a peer, but in that you fill her time. |
Anonymous
| You need to find her classes, clubs and rec leagues through which she can make friends. |
Anonymous
| 6th grade can be hard because it’s a transition year. The school year is almost over. I’d just try to keep her kind of busy over the summer to get her mind off the old friends - try new things or sign up for activities that might be more local. It will probably come together more in 7th grade when she’s more settled in and comfortable at her school. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but I think this is such great advice. I’m going to try to remember this. |