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How to de-escalate?
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Anonymous
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I need tools on how to deescalate conflict with DH. He is under an incredible amount of pressure at work and will continue to be for the next month. I work full-time, and we have 3 little kids. We both definitely do our share with the kids. I am trying hard to be super nice to him, and things are good most of the time. Then he starts to critisize me or accuse me of disloyalty. I lose it with him. I hate doing my best in the relationship and being told its not enough. I also don't feel like there is much awareness of my needs- but I also recognize that this is a limited period of time. I know I need to do better at letting him walk away when he's mad- this is hard for me. What else can I do? We get pretty nasty with each other- not physically violent. He has lots of friends but he isn't close to anyone but me and his parents and sister are not supportive emotionally to him. I have a lot of close friends and this is one of our sources of conflicts- he is jealous of these realtionships which are mainly with women and a couple gay men- ie. I'm not cheating on him and he knows it.
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Anonymous
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Kind of worrisome that he falls apart in this way under stress. I don't think it's necessarily incumbent on you to figure out some magical strategy for propping him up. Particularly if it involves you misplaced blame for things you didn't do. Of course you want to support him during what sounds like a rough period at work. But support doesn't include letting him make you into the problem. Sounds like you are doing your full share.
Maybe you need to work a little harder on letting him throw a tantrum without you having to have the last word. (I assume that's what you meant by "letting him walk away when he's mad.") You don't do that with your kids I bet. When they pitch a fit, you don't feel like you have to engage them in "meaningful dialog" until they see the error of their ways, right? Well, same for the DH. People under stress are pretty much like overgrown kids. When he gets all weird on you, just tell yourself that you temporarily have a 4th child and handle things accordingly. The best response when he challenges your loyalty/fidelity is to say I'm really sorry that you are feeling bad. But my perfectly normal relationships with other people are not the issue. What's really bugging you? Other than that, it seems to this reader like you are doing everything a good spouse can do. |
Anonymous
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don't expect to solve all the problems at once. take them one at a time.
de-escalation is all about not trying to talk about underlying issues when someone is being hostile. you can acknowledge that someone is upset and even that you'd like them to feel better without having to "give in." from your post, it's hard to tell what the underlying issues are. but if there's something you or he wants to talk about and the only time you talk about what's bugging you is when you are having a fight, then you will keep on having fights. it's like people who can share they're feelings is when they've been drinking. until they can find another way to be themselves, they're going to need to either keep drinking or keep a lot inside. maybe you should start by finding a calm and unthreatening time (with three kids!) to talk about *your* unmet needs. and if he tries to criticize you, say "yes, I want to hear about that, too, but right now, I really need you to hear this . . ." |
Anonymous
| Initiate sex more often. Really. I feel that DH and I get along much better when we're having lots of sex. May reduce his stress, too. |
Anonymous
| Ugh. I hear you, OP. I don't really have any advice, but just want to commiserate. We have 3 kids too, and sometimes I just get annoyed that I have to tiptoe around, hoping not to offend when he is stressed out at work. Sometimes I do feel like I have a 4th child, as one PP said. And contrary to what the other PP said about initiating sex, who wants to initiate with someone who is all stressed out and insecure? |
Anonymous
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I actually agree with the sex part. For some reason, it does make things a little easier to deal with if the sex is good.
Also, I find that when DH starts freaking out about stupid crap, I just tell him that I'm not arguing right now, and walk away. You don't have to be any more accommodating than you already are (nor should you let him treat you like crap and take out his stress on you). That said, get a sitter and make sure you have some alone time with him. Even if it's an overnight in a hotel and most of the time you are just sleeping, it'll get him out of the day-to-day routine and hopefully reduce his stress and give you two time to talk and work things out. |
aprilmayjune
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| I agree with the above post.. find a way to take a break from the day to day. My husband has a high stress job with lots of hours, and we did this for our anniversary and EVERYTHING in our relationship was just refreshed.. we started communicating better, holding hands more, etc etc etc.. It's amazing what a date night or a night in a hotel if you can do it will do for you.. |