DH is DS's hero, me not so much
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Anonymous
| I don't think details really matter here, since I am guessing it's pretty common for various reasons. But is there any way I can get a 10 year old to respect me as a person and not just cooperate because I'm his mother? I love him, but he secretly thinks pretty poorly of me (not because of how DH treats me, before anyone jumps in). |
Anonymous
| Oh gosh |
Anonymous
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One parent being the hero and the other not is pretty typical, but thinking pretty poorly of a parent who is not neglectful or abusive is not.
Are you sure this isn't just in your head, because your feelings are hurt? The idea that he doesn't respect you as a person and thinks poorly of you, I mean. If he's being disrespectful you should nip that in the bud, but if he's just more enthralled by dad right now: meh. It happens. |
Anonymous
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Need more info.
I have a 9 year old DD who is super close to her dad and probably favors him. My DS at that age probably it was the opposite (he favored me). She doesn't not respect me though or think poorly of me as a person. That's pretty extreme and I don't think it's common. |
Anonymous
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I think DH is your key here. He needs to be calling DS out on any disrespect to you and singing your praises in front of him. It’s great that you say DH ISN’T the issue and is someone DS respects, as it means he can be part of the solution. Tell DH how much this bothers you and enlist his help in addressing it. You can recruit others he respects to do so as well. A well placed comment by an idealized coach can make a big difference, but the day to day of how you are treated in your own home makes a difference too.
I’d also sing your own praises in front of DS and be open about talking about ways women are sometimes disrespected and why that’s not cool. Point it out in movies, talk about encounters you have at work or elsewhere, have DH join the conversion. Just yesterday DS and I had a conversation about a work meeting I was at where a jerk was totally objectifying me. I talked about how lame and upsetting that was, and how my XYZ qualifications were so much much impressive than that loser’s. We were kind of joking about it, but (1) it let me point out how sexist attitudes are out there an unacceptable and (2) gave him reasons to think I was cool and badass. And live that! Be adventurous! Do things he thinks are fun and interesting with him! I’m the one who plays basketball and builds fires and goes camping and talks about monster trucks with my DS and it gets me some street Fred in their eyes. |
Anonymous
| How does he think poorly of you and how does he show it? |
Anonymous
| DS is 10 and tends to gravitate towards his Dad. He looks to his Dad for help with school work or issues. It makes sense because they learn in a similar manner. I am not going to lie, there are times that it bothers me but I also get it. DS knows that I am there for him, I make sure to reach out and find things to do with him. He does bring me things he finds funny and asks for me to be present at specific events and activities, some times over his Dad. That is pretty rare but it does happen. |
Anonymous
| If he is not listening to you, or not, speaking kindly to you, that is a joint parenting issue you and your husband need to solve. If it’s just that he is in a phase where he favors your husband, or even if he’s always been in that phase, just know that sometimes these things shift during different phases in life. Husband may be the hero or the favorite parent, but you might be the comfort, and the stability. My kiddo is in a dad stage because he is a fun dad and gets really silly and says yes most of the time. I’m more of the disciplinarian, but also solve the problems and give the good snuggles. It’s not all or nothing, and each parent can provide the child with something unique, right? What is the most important I think is that your child can go to both of you for help and advice or comfort or frustration or fun. And if the not nice side of things is because he isn’t being respectful then you and DH manage that together. |
Anonymous
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My house too at that age. I was at home (worked PT, but DH worked long hours), and I was responsible for all the cooking (which he said "yuck" to), the routine (time for school, get homework done, shower, brush teeth...), pick up your room, the discipline, etc., and when dad was home, he was fun dad. Just got to play!
Agree you need to get your spouse involved, he should sing your praises in front of your son. For example, talk about your terrific cooking and thank-you for doing it, and thank you for other things too (having clean clothes that fit for every season, having clean uniform to wear on game day, great bday party you put together, etc., etc.). Your son needs to hear that on a regular basis |
Anonymous
| Try spending more 1-1 time with him. We do mom dates. |
jsmith123
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I think more details here would also be helpful.
What are the specific behaviors here? |