Keeping in touch with family question?
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Anonymous
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Just curious if anyone else has the same family dynamic and how you worked through it?
I'm the oldest daughter and have 2 younger brothers. Since birth, I've been told to look after my brothers and honestly we just naturally kept in touch up to when I was in my mid thirties. Side note, my parents moved out of the country when we were all adults. I instinctively, even though I was married, lived in another state with an infant tried to make a visit at least once a year maybe twice if we could. Looking back, it's that strong bond and relationship that I had with my brothers that caused me to try so hard to keep the connection. Oh, it's been about 6 months, it would be nice to visit! When we would visit, it was fun and always brief but great to see their faces. Meanwhile, my parents are out of the country. Fast forward a few years later and my parents move BACK to the States. My mother then sort of tries to reassume being the connector to keep us getting together. The first visit at her home was bearable at best. Things had changed and the dynamics sort of shifted in various ways, not in a loving family harmonious kind of way as it was pre their moving out of the country. Right at that time one of my brothers and I moved to the same city in a new state. Things were all still okay mostly besides the uncomfortable visit at my parent's house. Again, this forged a new change, DH and I just bought a new home and my kids were now in elementary school and my brother had sort of upgraded his life, now living in a highrise in downtown living a very bachelor type of lifestyle. Since mom sort of backed off from gathering us at her home, my brother and I along with my kids would occasionally meet to do fun kid related activities to keep the family connection alive. Then I started noticing my brother sort of needing me more, his nieces and pulling for us to get together more than honestly I cared for. I did have a life, a family, a marriage, activities and I was busy as heck as a mom. Also, I felt like he really needed his own life and he was craving for how things used to be when my mom still gathered us all together for family get togethers. But instead I was getting the brunt of his needs because well, I had a family now and I was nearby. Obviously, we visited and saw each other but I did start feeling and thinking these things and then... BAM Covid hit! For many, this was devastating and I was impacted as well during it but what it did, was give me breathing room and space from my brother. A few months ago we moved again to a different state. Now my family of origin is spread from Cali to NY to FL, all over. We haven't seen each other for awhile now and no one in my family is planning any get togethers right now. I love my family who all live in a different states from me, but I've found that the dynamics have changed. Hopefully, one day we will probably get together but as of right now, my mom is not hosting any gatherings. My question is just a simple one and its just where do I go from here? If no one is being the connector for visits and so forth? Should it be my responsibility? Can I live a life without the connection and trying so hard to stay connected to my family of origin? I have my own family, own life and responsibilties, etc... |
Anonymous
| Do whatever you think is best for you and your family, but right now with Covid, people are not gathering. I'm sure when your brothers marry, you will go to their weddings, etc. You and your siblings (and parents) can decide on how often to gather. What about your husband's family? Do you see them at all? |
Anonymous
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Think honestly about how much of a connection you want with various members of your family - DH is very close to his family emotionally but physically he moved away 25 years ago. When traveling to them was easy we did it often. Now that it's harder we do it a couple of times a year. Our kids still have a very close relationship with DH's parents and his younger sister because we FaceTime with them all the time and they come to visit us as well. Our kids aren't as close to DH's other sister or my sister because those connections aren't fostered.
DH's older sister likes to visit with us when everyone is gathered together but would never come to stay with us without the rest of her family here. I had similar experiences with my cousins from growing up. I'm happy to reach out and try to maintain connections where the balance is even but I'm not going to chase anyone who's not really interested. And also think about how this impacts your kids and their expectations of family - are they personalities who are likely to remain close as they grow older or are they more oil and water like my sister and me? |
Anonymous
| Wow, you are WAY overthinking things. If you want to spend time with relatives, reach out to them for a get-tgether. If you don't, don't. |
Jkirsh64
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| I would think about the future when your parents get old and need help. It is really nice to have siblings you are close with to help make decisions and take care of them. I am close with my two siblings even though we don’t live very close to each other but it was been so good to have each other as our parents age. |