Message
Navigating parenthood as a single mama (and a child therapist)
Hilary Katz MSW, LICSW
I have been a practicing clinician for 25 years with a specialty in child therapy and parent coaching. I am also a single mom by choice. Despite all my wonderful experiences helping children and parents navigate challenges, I recognize that being a solo parent creates an interesting perspective as a child clinician and coach. While I have always been guided by the school of thought that as a clinician we must practice what we preach to be truly authentic, I cannot help but ask myself “Do the tools I teach parents always translate when working with and acting as a single parent?” The answer is yes…and no. While the need to collaboratively problem solve with your child is the primarily goal, the dynamic between a single parent and child is different. The relationship is intense, and the single parent must carry and hold the child’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors solely on their own shoulders. There is no other parent to share the emotional load of the child grappling with life and how it ultimately manifests within the family.
In recent years, there has been a significant growth in women opting to have children on their own. Those of us within the community are identified as single mothers by choice, or as my local cohort identifies ourselves “Badass single mamas”. These women are strong, independent, and determined women, but all of us share the same concerns about the pressure to make “the right choices” while attempting to prevent a slew of issues our children could be processing “on the couch “in their later years. Much like coupled parents, single parents hold a shared pressure to do the right thing in order to help mold our children into empathetic and healthy people.. Solo parents greatly depend on one another to bounce ideas, tackle our children’s questions about life and definition of family and provide validation for what it feels like to be a single parent. The network serves a key role among single parents not just for the parent but for the children as well. It is a source of community for our children to also have a sense of belonging; to gain support and empower them to celebrate who they are and where they come from.
So, what is it I can teach as well as practice as a child clinician and parent coach to my fellow single mom clients as well as apply to my own parenting? I think one of the most imperative messages for parents, single or not, is giving ourselves grace. We must remind ourselves we are doing the best we can with all that we have got in that moment. Parents coupled or not, ideally need to recognize that if we focus solely on the behaviors of our children and not address the feelings that are driving the behaviors and lagging skills behind coping with these feelings, the behaviors will likely not change. What is particularly important for a single parent, is not only the need to believe in ourselves , but really maintain a sense of empowerment and faith in our own capabilities; to remind ourselves that we are in fact enough. While a coupled parent can work together to steer through a struggle with their child, a single parent must traverse issues with acceptance that they need to trust their skills in working the child through the issue.
There is also the reality that when there is only one parent, it is important that the child does not come with a job. Children cannot be the single parent’s whole life; the child cannot have a duty to make the single parent happy and fulfilled, they need to observe their parent live life independent of their children and know they are not an extension of their parent. This is incredibly important for both the parent as well as the child. Furthermore, there is also the importance that children in a single parent household are regularly exposed to healthy communication and relationship dynamics. We as single parents, must be cognizant of immersing our children in various environments that display diverse families and relational experiences that allow for them to appreciate healthy ways to communicate.
So, do the parenting tools translate to single parents? They do, but with a caveat that as a parent coach, I fully recognize and appreciate the enormity a single parent may feel in implementing these tools with the knowledge it is solely on their shoulders. While coupled parents can help to coauthor the beginnings of their child’s story, the single parent writes completely on their own. There is a quote I love that encompasses theheart of a single parent . “Single parents have a special kind of power. Nobody else can claim it—it’s the gift of rewriting what “family” means. Each story told at bedtime, every tear they catch before it falls, every dream they encourage — it all transforms the narrative of love and resilience.” –(Parents Raising Tots). We, as single parents must utilize our community and shared experiences to help function as partners in raising our children. As a child therapist and coach, it is important I do just that as well; I am a part of the village that supports, empowers, and appreciates the just how complex single parenting can be.
Hilary Katz MSW, LICSW
I have been a practicing clinician for 25 years with a specialty in child therapy and parent coaching. I am also a single mom by choice. Despite all my wonderful experiences helping children and parents navigate challenges, I recognize that being a solo parent creates an interesting perspective as a child clinician and coach. While I have always been guided by the school of thought that as a clinician we must practice what we preach to be truly authentic, I cannot help but ask myself “Do the tools I teach parents always translate when working with and acting as a single parent?” The answer is yes…and no. While the need to collaboratively problem solve with your child is the primarily goal, the dynamic between a single parent and child is different. The relationship is intense, and the single parent must carry and hold the child’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors solely on their own shoulders. There is no other parent to share the emotional load of the child grappling with life and how it ultimately manifests within the family.
In recent years, there has been a significant growth in women opting to have children on their own. Those of us within the community are identified as single mothers by choice, or as my local cohort identifies ourselves “Badass single mamas”. These women are strong, independent, and determined women, but all of us share the same concerns about the pressure to make “the right choices” while attempting to prevent a slew of issues our children could be processing “on the couch “in their later years. Much like coupled parents, single parents hold a shared pressure to do the right thing in order to help mold our children into empathetic and healthy people.. Solo parents greatly depend on one another to bounce ideas, tackle our children’s questions about life and definition of family and provide validation for what it feels like to be a single parent. The network serves a key role among single parents not just for the parent but for the children as well. It is a source of community for our children to also have a sense of belonging; to gain support and empower them to celebrate who they are and where they come from.
So, what is it I can teach as well as practice as a child clinician and parent coach to my fellow single mom clients as well as apply to my own parenting? I think one of the most imperative messages for parents, single or not, is giving ourselves grace. We must remind ourselves we are doing the best we can with all that we have got in that moment. Parents coupled or not, ideally need to recognize that if we focus solely on the behaviors of our children and not address the feelings that are driving the behaviors and lagging skills behind coping with these feelings, the behaviors will likely not change. What is particularly important for a single parent, is not only the need to believe in ourselves , but really maintain a sense of empowerment and faith in our own capabilities; to remind ourselves that we are in fact enough. While a coupled parent can work together to steer through a struggle with their child, a single parent must traverse issues with acceptance that they need to trust their skills in working the child through the issue.
There is also the reality that when there is only one parent, it is important that the child does not come with a job. Children cannot be the single parent’s whole life; the child cannot have a duty to make the single parent happy and fulfilled, they need to observe their parent live life independent of their children and know they are not an extension of their parent. This is incredibly important for both the parent as well as the child. Furthermore, there is also the importance that children in a single parent household are regularly exposed to healthy communication and relationship dynamics. We as single parents, must be cognizant of immersing our children in various environments that display diverse families and relational experiences that allow for them to appreciate healthy ways to communicate.
So, do the parenting tools translate to single parents? They do, but with a caveat that as a parent coach, I fully recognize and appreciate the enormity a single parent may feel in implementing these tools with the knowledge it is solely on their shoulders. While coupled parents can help to coauthor the beginnings of their child’s story, the single parent writes completely on their own. There is a quote I love that encompasses theheart of a single parent . “Single parents have a special kind of power. Nobody else can claim it—it’s the gift of rewriting what “family” means. Each story told at bedtime, every tear they catch before it falls, every dream they encourage — it all transforms the narrative of love and resilience.” –(Parents Raising Tots). We, as single parents must utilize our community and shared experiences to help function as partners in raising our children. As a child therapist and coach, it is important I do just that as well; I am a part of the village that supports, empowers, and appreciates the just how complex single parenting can be.
My name is Hilary Katz. I am a member of the the single mom by choice community and I specialize in providing support to both parents trying to conceive as well as single moms by choice in various stages. I currently have availability . Please feel free to reach out with questions! I appreciate the journey .
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/hilary-katz-washington-dc/53400
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/hilary-katz-washington-dc/53400
My name is Hilary Katz. I am a member of the the single mom by choice community and I specialize in providing support to both parents trying to conceive as well as single moms by choice in various stages. I currently have availability . Please feel free to reach out with questions! I appreciate the journey .
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/hilary-katz-washington-dc/53400
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/hilary-katz-washington-dc/53400
Anyone have recommendation for wall paper hanger?
I am a single mom by choice to a 4 year old. I work for DCPS and my daughter will be starting kindergarten in the Fall, 2022. I would love more than anything to live in McLean Gardens. We would hope to move this summer. If anyone has any information on rentals (even with option to buy). I Would be eternally grateful!
Hilary
(267) 253-7605
Hilary
(267) 253-7605
Hi everyone!
I’m hoping to get feedback /insight on preschool at Waldorf! I have mixed feelings w out the whole philosophy!
I’m hoping to get feedback /insight on preschool at Waldorf! I have mixed feelings w out the whole philosophy!
Anyone have any feedback on FCC? I know there was a scare in 2012 as a result of a child being left in a park, but I cannot find any reviews since!
I’m touring FCC TODDLER program and would love any feedback. I’ve read mixed reviews!