How do you handle gender role talk?

[Anonymous]

When I get together with my mom and sisters when we veer into relationship talk there's a lot of talk about how women always do most of the work, no matter what, and you have to tell them what to do etc. The thing is things are truly 50/50 when it comes to things with me and DH childcare and household stuff. I don't have to pack for him and tell him what to wear or what to feed the kids etc.

I don't say anything, but wondering if I should because my nieces are often around during these conversations and I don't want them to think that's the only way for a relationship to be. At the same time, I don't want to cause drama and I grew up with all this stuff and ended up thinking differently. So it's probably okay to continue to remain quiet and sip my drink.

[Anonymous]

Yikes that is a conundrum. I know it would be obnoxious but just for the nieces sakes I would throw in a comment that they could hear about not all men being like that. Not while your mom and sisters are complaining but just some comment at some point.

But I tend to have a big mouth.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to saw anything. Your nieces will see how your life is different than their mothers. And they will embrace your life or reject it.

50/50 means the woman has to give up a lot of control, too. That doesn’t work for all women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to saw anything. Your nieces will see how your life is different than their mothers. And they will embrace your life or reject it.

50/50 means the woman has to give up a lot of control, too. That doesn’t work for all women.

They might not. We don't know how much time they spend with OP's family in OP's home.

[Anonymous]

Did anyone give you a gender role discussion, OP? I really don’t think you are your nieces’ only chance at being in a modern marriage! They will be fine, and choose a life that suits them.

[Anonymous]

Say yeah, it's true niece, unless you find a unicorn like your uncle. They are rare but out there

[Anonymous]

I would just tell my mom and sisters "Um, not to blow your minds here, but there's another way to do things. You know that, right? DH doesn't ask me what to feed the kids - he just feeds them. I pack for myself and he packs for himself. I've never told him what to wear once. You guys know things can be different than the old-fashioned stereotypes of gender roles, right?"

[Anonymous]

If the kids are around I would at least comment that they're not all like that and in our house xyz happens. I wouldn't harp on it, but I'm am so tired of the stereotypes being passed along from other family members.

I know it's generational, but the grandparents do all the typical stuff about the boys being strong and smart and should be president, while the girls are pretty and sweet and should be a ballerina. I feel like it's my job to present a more equitable view.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can say, “Luckily, Nieces will have a different experience. Their generation seems to be really focusing on gender issues” or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I get together with my mom and sisters when we veer into relationship talk there's a lot of talk about how women always do most of the work, no matter what, and you have to tell them what to do etc. The thing is things are truly 50/50 when it comes to things with me and DH childcare and household stuff. I don't have to pack for him and tell him what to wear or what to feed the kids etc.

I don't say anything, but wondering if I should because my nieces are often around during these conversations and I don't want them to think that's the only way for a relationship to be. At the same time, I don't want to cause drama and I grew up with all this stuff and ended up thinking differently. So it's probably okay to continue to remain quiet and sip my drink.

Why not say how lucky you are that your dh is wonderful and doesnt do that? Are you saying it isnt their reality?

[Anonymous]

Of course you should speak up. I mean in my case I would likely say “I’m so glad I don’t shop or pack for my husband. I do most of the paperwork and scheduling, but he does more of the physical stuff like the laundry — we try to play to our strengths dividing stuff up. Two nights ago, he spent an hour cleaning puke out of the car and told me not to worry about it. Love that guy!!”

[Anonymous]

Nah, MYOB. You sound overly sensitive. This sounds like my how much mother and me talk sometimes. It’s not about women but how we are doing it all and I could see how it could be perceived like you described. We aren’t putting women down at all or saying it’s our role. I work full time and do 90% of everything with the kids because of DH’s job. It’s not because I’m a woman. It’s because he has the more demanding job.

Now, for my sister it’s the opposite. Her husband does almost everything around the house and for the kids. My sister works much longer hours and he is the one that is around.

In general, don’t comment because what are you trying to accomplish. Your nieces know women are not here to only cook and clean and your comments are only going to cause family drama.

[Anonymous]

We don't have "gender role" talks with our kids. That seems dumb. Stay in your lane because as their aunt it isn't any of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to saw anything. Your nieces will see how your life is different than their mothers. And they will embrace your life or reject it.

50/50 means the woman has to give up a lot of control, too. That doesn’t work for all women.

They might not. We don't know how much time they spend with OP's family in OP's home.

Is OP (or their families of origin, for that matter!) the only families they will see?

OP doesn’t need to take on the mantle of teaching her nieces anything. It would be obnoxious to talk about how your husband is so great when your family is having a venting session. Your nieces will see your family, OP, as well as others, and draw their own conclusions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to saw anything. Your nieces will see how your life is different than their mothers. And they will embrace your life or reject it.

50/50 means the woman has to give up a lot of control, too. That doesn’t work for all women.

They might not. We don't know how much time they spend with OP's family in OP's home.

Is OP (or their families of origin, for that matter!) the only families they will see?

OP doesn’t need to take on the mantle of teaching her nieces anything. It would be obnoxious to talk about how your husband is so great when your family is having a venting session. Your nieces will see your family, OP, as well as others, and draw their own conclusions.

I'm also in a 50/50 marriage and agree there is no way to insert this inyo a venting conversation without sounding like you're criticizing your relatives or gloating.