DD Scared to Talk to Other Kids

[Anonymous]

My 7-year-old is a loud, silly, bubbly kid who loves to talk, laugh and play. But in school, camp, on the playground, etc. she goes silent. She says she is scared to talk to the other kids.

I was the same way as a kid, and I'm still like this. I crave social interaction but I struggle to make friends. Growing up, my one wish for my children was that they would not be socially awkward like me.

I have really tried to work on my own issues so I can be a good example to my DD. I start conversations with other parents pretty frequently. I've failed at turning those into real friendships, but I have typically been able to get to a place where we have playdates, so she has typically always had a couple friends to play with. Usually they are different kids every year or two as schools or schedules change.

Last year, we moved, and we have not been able to make any new friends for about a year now. I am signing her up for classes and camp and she is around other kids, but she won't talk to them. At the same time, she tells me she wants playdates and wants friends. I have tried reaching out to parents to schedule playdates, but they're not interested (probably because my daughter hasn't made an effort to get to know their kids and so their kids aren't particularly interested in playing with her). We are also seeing a lot of kids already have their best friend or group of best friends (and same for the parents). Also, a lot of parents are carpooling or dropping off quickly at this age and that leaves me very little time to get to know them and try to facilitate a playdate. We don't have any neighbors with kids in the same age range (and even if we did, she wouldn't talk to them).

I know COVID makes things harder but it's been a year, and I haven't seen any improvement. I don't know what to do. I see her peers develop deep, meaningful relationships with each other, where they are besties for years and truly care for each other. I feel like she will never have this. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I'd ask her what she's scared of. What does she think will go wrong if she talks to other kids? Then I'd work on those things.

[Anonymous]

Put her in therapy. I put my 7 year old in play therapy to work on anxiety, and I love it for him. I wish I'd had it, as I struggled, too, with social stuff.

[Anonymous]

I enrolled my 6 yo DS in a one-time making friends class offered through Outschool. He is a sweet, funny, talkative boy at home but in social settings is radio silent. The class gave him words and ideas he could use to break into group discussions or start one-on-one conversations with friends. It made a huge difference to his confidence. He is still super shy and quiet but in the last couple of months I've seen him initiate conversations and start to speak up more using the tools he learned in the class. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Join the PTA to make mom friends.

[Anonymous]

I love the Outschool idea!

But what she’s displaying is anxiety and there’s a genetic component. I wouldn’t hesitate to do some therapy. Start looking around now for suggested ones in your area, sometimes it takes awhile to get a an appointment

[Anonymous]

Selective Mutism. Act now. It is a form of severe social anxiety. At an early age, a tiny dose of Prozac can help rewire her brain.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I was the same way and my daughter struggled with this on and off throughout her school years. I totally understand the heartbreak. I don’t like to use the term socially awkward or shy though because it has a negative connotation. God created us all with different types of temperaments. The majority of the population is extroverted which makes it difficult for introverts to fit in but not impossible. We have a special place in the world and I see God is using people with our gifts in incredible ways. I give you a shout out for stepping out of your comfort zone to make friends and to help your daughter as well. Your daughter will eventually find her own way to make friends. Being part of a bible believing church helped us out a lot. Also, I recommend looking into Mops.org which is a Moms group and seeing if there is one in your area. It is for Moms with children of all ages. They have regular meet-ups and great encouraging speakers throughout the year. One other suggestion is a local children theatre/drama group. This really helped my daughter in her confidence too.

[Anonymous]

My daughter had similar struggles up to age 7/8 and I was probably similar as a child. I had to really invest some time and energy to helping her with friendships and socializing - hosting playdates, coaching her on how to be a good friend, and resolving conflicts, and once she was of reading age, providing a lot of books to her that offered guidance in navigating friendships. She has been fortunate that she has found some really great friends that are caring, share similar interests, and sense of humor. They have been accepting and appreciative of her differences and that has truly been a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter had similar struggles up to age 7/8 and I was probably similar as a child. I had to really invest some time and energy to helping her with friendships and socializing - hosting playdates, coaching her on how to be a good friend, and resolving conflicts, and once she was of reading age, providing a lot of books to her that offered guidance in navigating friendships. She has been fortunate that she has found some really great friends that are caring, share similar interests, and sense of humor. They have been accepting and appreciative of her differences and that has truly been a gift.

And this is the same daughter who used to be invited to drop off birthday parties, and I would drop her off and she would literally not say a word during the entire party or speak to anyone.

[Anonymous]

I know it's hard, but ask the teachers or camp leaders to tell you ONE child they think your child would get along with (or does seem to play with, even if she isn't talking much, but is building necklaces next to, or swimming with, or whatever it is they do at camp).

and get that parent's information so you can email or talk to in person (ask the camp teacher - can you point out the child you are talking about so I can figure out which is the mother so I can ask them for a playdate?) It's fine for teachers to point out people - but they can't give you emails for parents

(although WHY there isn't a contact list of all children, parents' names and their email/phone # I don't know - 7 year olds aren't able to fully invite a child for a playdate without parents getting involved I don't know!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I see her peers develop deep, meaningful relationships with each other, where they are besties for years and truly care for each other. I feel like she will never have this. Any advice?

don't do this to yourself. by all means, make friends but a vast majority of friendships at that age are entirely fleeting and inconsequential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I see her peers develop deep, meaningful relationships with each other, where they are besties for years and truly care for each other. I feel like she will never have this. Any advice?

don't do this to yourself. by all means, make friends but a vast majority of friendships at that age are entirely fleeting and inconsequential.

+1 My dd is 12 and I wouldn't say any of her elementary school friendships were particularly deep and meaningful and she like most of her peers have now made different friends in Middle school.

[Anonymous]

Your kid may not have selective mutism, but a lot of the techniques for gradually overcoming these fears would be pretty handy.