Child of narcissistic mom with husband who doesn’t understand

[Anonymous]

I am the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother and have 2 small children of my own. I have been trying hard to set boundaries with my mom and limit contact. The relationship with my mom right now is pretty bad. I’m upset that I don’t have more support from my husband at home. After a difficult conversation with my mom, my husband said that her reactions and negative comments are my fault and that in my relationship with my parents, I am not an adult, I am still a child and need to fall in line and be respectful and take it. This is essentially the opposite of everything I have read about being an adult child of a narcissistic parent. My husband also says that a parent child relationship should have “no boundaries” and that setting boundaries is nonsense. I am at a loss of how to handle this. I feel like I have no support and that the one person who is supposed to take my side is not there for me.

[Anonymous]

Are there cultural issues at play here? You need to see a therapist by yourself, ASAP. It sounds like you've married someone as dysfunctional as your parents. Happens often. Again, see a therapist to help you navigage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there cultural issues at play here? You need to see a therapist by yourself, ASAP. It sounds like you've married someone as dysfunctional as your parents. Happens often. Again, see a therapist to help you navigage.

We’ve been married 11 years and I do think he is not the most emotionally supportive person but it hurts more than usual lately. His family is a different culture than mine but he was born and raised in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there cultural issues at play here? You need to see a therapist by yourself, ASAP. It sounds like you've married someone as dysfunctional as your parents. Happens often. Again, see a therapist to help you navigage.

We’ve been married 11 years and I do think he is not the most emotionally supportive person but it hurts more than usual lately. His family is a different culture than mine but he was born and raised in the US.

DP. You definitely need to see a therapist by yourself ASAP. If not for your own sake then for your kids. You mother's and your DH's perspectives are damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there cultural issues at play here? You need to see a therapist by yourself, ASAP. It sounds like you've married someone as dysfunctional as your parents. Happens often. Again, see a therapist to help you navigage.

We’ve been married 11 years and I do think he is not the most emotionally supportive person but it hurts more than usual lately. His family is a different culture than mine but he was born and raised in the US.

You have your answer there OP. I'm an immigrant from an Asian country and my mom is borderline with narcissistic traits- basically a martyr who enjoys emotional blackmail and guilt-tripping me. I haven't spoken to her on the phone for over a year and I am so happy I liberated myself from her craziness. Your husband sounds more 'old world' in his ways of thinking so he doesn't have a problem with enmeshment and codependency. That is why he, like my mom, doesn't understand the concept of boundaries. You need to reinforce boundaries and decide whether to agree to disagree. This is a major cultural issue.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH is also Asian (my family is white) but he doesn’t seem to have the relationship problems that I have with my mother. His relationship with his mom seems more normal to me. But he has a lot of opinions and judgement to share with me about my relationship with my mother/parents lately. I’m concerned about our kids future relationship with DH if he acts how my mom does. I told him recently that I want to see a marriage counselor but he literally didn’t respond to me. He walked away and didn’t bring it up again.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. You married your mom. Get thee to therapy, ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is wrong. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Just stop engaging with your mom. Protect your family, protect your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is also Asian (my family is white) but he doesn’t seem to have the relationship problems that I have with my mother. His relationship with his mom seems more normal to me. But he has a lot of opinions and judgement to share with me about my relationship with my mother/parents lately. I’m concerned about our kids future relationship with DH if he acts how my mom does. I told him recently that I want to see a marriage counselor but he literally didn’t respond to me. He walked away and didn’t bring it up again.

My 2 cents is you don't have to share everything with your spouse. Find support for the way you handle your relationship with your mother elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is also Asian (my family is white) but he doesn’t seem to have the relationship problems that I have with my mother. His relationship with his mom seems more normal to me. But he has a lot of opinions and judgement to share with me about my relationship with my mother/parents lately. I’m concerned about our kids future relationship with DH if he acts how my mom does. I told him recently that I want to see a marriage counselor but he literally didn’t respond to me. He walked away and didn’t bring it up again.

And, this is why you need to get yourself to a counselor because you don't just have a mother problem, you have a DH problem. You need to learn how to understand why you are where you are and how to navigate it.

[Anonymous]

Stop discussing your mother with your husband. Do you have siblings who had the same upbringing? Talk to them.

[Anonymous]

Don't discuss mother with him. Get him to therapy with you so he can understand the dynamics and support you instead of adding to the drama. You will likely need to set boundaries with your mother. If she was out of your lives would you still have problems with DH? Likely- thus why I think therapy is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother and have 2 small children of my own. I have been trying hard to set boundaries with my mom and limit contact. The relationship with my mom right now is pretty bad. I’m upset that I don’t have more support from my husband at home. After a difficult conversation with my mom, my husband said that her reactions and negative comments are my fault and that in my relationship with my parents, I am not an adult, I am still a child and need to fall in line and be respectful and take it. This is essentially the opposite of everything I have read about being an adult child of a narcissistic parent. My husband also says that a parent child relationship should have “no boundaries” and that setting boundaries is nonsense. I am at a loss of how to handle this. I feel like I have no support and that the one person who is supposed to take my side is not there for me.

You have to relieve yourself of the “should” when it comes to your DH because his perspective is so skewed and unhealthy; he’s incapable of that support. What is his relationships with his own family like? Hopefully he has other redeeming qualities because he really lacks insight and understanding. Calling boundaries “nonsense” is incredibly ignorant.