"Encouraging" tween about dance...

[Anonymous]

So DD (who is 11) really loved dance until last year, when she was placed into the higher level ballet class, which met 3 hours per week. She was joined in the class by company girls who were tiny and petite, and DD went through a phase where she no longer loved dance. I feel that part of this disinclination came from feeling like she was not as good as the company girls. It may also be attributed to feeling body conscious, as she is more medium weight and bigger boned than the company girls. Before this experience, she strongly identified as a dancer, was probably the teacher's favorite, and wanted to perform and try out for dance opportunities. Then COVID struck, and we no longer had her re-enroll for in-person classes. Instead, I signed her up several times a week with a low-key a super-fun teacher on Outschool for online ballet, jazz, and contemporary. DD LOVES these online classes, which are low-key and fun, and I see here dancing around the house! But when I talk about post-COVID activities, she does NOT want to return to a dance studio or even try to find a less-competitive dance studio. Part of this could be body insecurity, and part of it could be growing and no longer identifying with the dancer persona. She is also EXTREMELY self-conscious. If I peak into her room during the class, she stops and doesn't want to be watched.

I really want to encourage her with dance, even though she is not a serious or competitive dancer. I feel she truly enjoys it, she is good at it, and it can be a lifelong hobby (even though she attends 1 or 2 in-person classes a week and is NOT in the Company). Is it possible for her to do this? Should I stop pressuring/encouraging her as maybe she is just growing out of dance?

[Anonymous]

I guess phrased differently, this is also a dance question about whether a competitive, self-conscious tween can enjoy dance as a "casual" hobby (and not as a competitive one).

[Anonymous]

I’m watching this thread. Your daughter sounds like me. I grew up dancing but at around 12-13 I grew fast (5’9”) and felt huge compared to the little dancers in my class. I took a break from 13 to 18 when I started dancing again in college. I always regretted quitting as I never regained my ballet stride. But as an adult I found modern and performed professionally for 20 years. I’m retired now but occasionally take dance classes casually.

My DD is 13 and a serious dancer. Sometimes too serious. She dances 12-15 hours per week and I’m worried about her burning out. But if she gets off the train, or scales back her commitment, she will get left behind. For now I’m following her lead and trying to remind her this should be fun.

I guess my advice would be to follow your daughter’s lead and help her find her groove. Ballet may not be the right fit for her, but she could really love different forms of dance and her ballet will only help her. Dance is an amazing art form in all its genres. If she identifies as a dancer, I would keep encouraging her. Especially during awkward teenage years when she’s finding herself. I was lost when I quit dance as a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Find a better dance school. Studio should be on top of this stuff.

[Anonymous]

1 - there's so much covid uncertainty, it's hard for anyone, especially kids, to make plans now. Is there a reason you have to decide soon? You might just want to give it a rest.

If not,

2 - have a talk with her when you're on a walk or in a car or somewhere where it feels low-key and casual. Feel her out about going back to dance. If she refuses, talk to her about how she'd like to get exercise (all about fitness, nothing about size or weight). Would she like to stick with OutSchool? If you worked together to find a low-key studio, would she be willing to try three or four lessons there and if she hates it, you'll let her stop and choose another activity?

I was in a low-key dance studio. No one was going to be professional and we were all shapes and sizes, but it was a good way to get exercise, build discipline, and have friends outside of school.

I'm a big believer that kids should have some sort of physical activity, but they pick which one(s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess phrased differently, this is also a dance question about whether a competitive, self-conscious tween can enjoy dance as a "casual" hobby (and not as a competitive one).

Sure she can! I'd stay away from ballet for a while, and look for other dance forms where a wider variety of body types are accepted: contemporary, modern, hip-hop, tap, belly dance, contact improv, whatever. Stay away from classes/studios that participate in competitions. Have her try different styles to see what's fun. Bonus if they are classes open to the general public, so you have a variety of ages and abilities.

Lots of people enjoy dance as a lifelong hobby -- it's a fun way to exercise, participate in a community, etc. It doesn't have to be your career or be competitive. It can just be fun.

[Anonymous]

What she is going through is inherent in Dance. I'd move to a more low key studio that doesn't care about placing girls in intensives or moving them into companies

[Anonymous]

Where are you located? There are better program options.

[Anonymous]

ok full disclosure my dd was never a dancer, but she has plenty of friends who are/were so my comments are based on what I observed in her peer group.
You should 100% follow your dd's lead on this one. Slogging through an activity so it can be lifetime hobby will backfire and she will drop it because she hates it. Also, and I mean this in the gentlest way, I definitely am aware of a lot of eating disorder, body imagine issues in the dancers my dd knows. I would be super cautious promoting dance as an activity for a kid who desperately wanted to do it, so for a kid on the fence I would be cautious. The thing about dance as they hit middle school and beyond is it becomes a lifestyle commitment and the performing companies are incredibly demanding, it's not just a once or twice a week thing anymore. If your dd has found a way to dance that is fun, casual then keep that going!!

Also, there are other ways to dance besides the youth company option. How about theater? Most musicals need dancers and theater kids are the best!

[Anonymous]

There is no need to compete in dance whatsoever . I danced from age 3 to 17, happily. I was never in one competition. I had one recital during the school year for parents/grandparents, and one at my summer camp for the performing arts for the rest of the camp.

Let her dance the way it makes her happy.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she still enjoys dance through Outschool! Keep that up since it makes her happy, and see what happens once covid evens out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ok full disclosure my dd was never a dancer, but she has plenty of friends who are/were so my comments are based on what I observed in her peer group.
You should 100% follow your dd's lead on this one. Slogging through an activity so it can be lifetime hobby will backfire and she will drop it because she hates it. Also, and I mean this in the gentlest way, I definitely am aware of a lot of eating disorder, body imagine issues in the dancers my dd knows. I would be super cautious promoting dance as an activity for a kid who desperately wanted to do it, so for a kid on the fence I would be cautious. The thing about dance as they hit middle school and beyond is it becomes a lifestyle commitment and the performing companies are incredibly demanding, it's not just a once or twice a week thing anymore. If your dd has found a way to dance that is fun, casual then keep that going!!

Also, there are other ways to dance besides the youth company option. How about theater? Most musicals need dancers and theater kids are the best!

+1

My spouse and several of our friends are involved in the dance/performing arts world, and this is a real issue. Ballet is probably the worst. My spouse, who adores dance, is actually opposed to our daughter taking ballet classes for that reason (she hasn't expressed any interest, so it's not a source of conflict). There are studios and organizations that offer dance classes that aren't geared towards being in a company or competition, but are just for community members who enjoy dance. It sounds like the Outschool classes are in the same vein. If you want dance to be a lifelong hobby, then let her enjoy the classes that she enjoys, without pushing it. Everything doesn't have to be a "passion." It can just be fun.

[Anonymous]

PP dancer and mom of dancer here. I think the threat of eating disorders is real, but the schools we’ve experienced have been extremely proactive about wellness, positive body image, healthy eating for performance, etc. I’m sure that varies by studio. DD is not part of a competition studio and her school offers a strong contemporary and world dance program, in addition to ballet, so that might make a difference. Growing up in ballet as a tall kid was tough on my self esteem, even though I’m naturally thin. I wish I’d been exposed to other techniques as an adolescent - I may not have felt the need to take a break during those awkward years.

[Anonymous]

I would really consider how long you actually want her to do toe. I got out at about the same age, and my mom was so, so, so relieved. Toe shoes are terrible for girls’ feet. I picked up a new sport in middle school which I have dropped and another in college, which I still enjoy.