Drowning as a working mom--help!

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you here. And as the overworked breadwinner in my family am super impressed with what you're doing. Sending you virtual hugs and chocolate.

Just two tips:

1) Designate a basket by the door for all three of your kids: 2nd grader, 5th grader, DH. Tell them to dump their coats/bags/socks stuff there.
https://www.target.com/p/large-round-woven-plastic-storage-basket-white-and-gray-room-essentials-153/-/A-16251842

2) Tell your DH to get on this thread, make notes and take action. He needs to take on some of the managerial work you're doing. He can prep lunches on the weekends, for example. He can fill the instant pot in the morning. He can clean the bathrooms every week.

3) Okay, bonus tip: If there is *any* way for you sometimes work at home, do it. Even if it's just once a month.

[Anonymous]

Your life sounds similar to mine but add 5 days of activities (4 weekday, 1 weekend). We have biweekly cleaners. I've lowered my expectations of what dinner looks like. I buy a lot of premade salads and sides, roasted chickens, etc. I try to do laundry and meal prep on the weekends, but it doesn't always happen in which case my week is complicated.

[Anonymous]

12:39, one more thing... carpooling on activities.

[Anonymous]

What the hell are you kids and DH doing? Why isn’t he doing all the grocery shopping and half the cooking. Also your kids are old enough to do your laundry and also cook simple meals. I was 8 when I started cooking basic stuff like tacos for the whole family. If your kids can operate IPads, cable, Netflix and computer games they can manage laundry. You don’t need to outsource you need to get these lazy folks in your house working. Your DH sounds like an ass if he won’t “let” you get a cleaners more often. Hand him the mop and tel him to have at it. My 6 year has more chores than. Tha this? Why? Because she is part of family and can contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH does all the pick-up the house, dishes, laundry in the evenings. We do FastLane for groceries and I haven’t been inside a store in months. I use Fresh20 for meal planning. I bring school forms and stuff like that to work and I fill them out or call and make appointments in the 5-10 minutes when someone is running late to a meeting. I buy birthday presents in bulk on Black Friday and Amazon Prime Day and make my kids “Shop” from the box in the basement for friends’ parties and Toys for Tots type activities. We have our cleaners come every 2 weeks.

But the biggest things are -
1. I hired a professional organizer to help me re-do my kitchen and closets. I am no longer drowning in clutter because things have a place to go.
2. I have my parents pick up the kids and stay for dinner one night a week. It’s usually a night one kid has an activity. So I take the kid to the activity and they stay with the other one. While I’m out, they put dinner in the oven or sign for delivery. That’s my husband’s night to work late or go to happy hour because I have help.

Who was your professional organizer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re not paying for before or aftercare. That’s 1000 per month for two kids. I have kids the exact same ages. Use that money for another housecleaning visit.

Op should be doing aftercare.

[Anonymous]

NP here, chiming in that aftercare is the solution to the crunch time. My kids are the same as yours, and have been in aftercare since K (and daycare before that). Aftercare is their favorite part of the day! They often get all the homework done and get physical activity with their friends. Win win!

We also give our kids an allowance that is tied to their chores. They have to load their dishes into the dishwasher (always), unload it as needed, put their dirty clothes in the hamper, put their clean clothes away, and keep their spaces tidy. Sometimes we have our younger child help in the kitchen while the older one gets hw done. We have a cleaning crew twice a month, and lawn service as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really 55 hours per week is working a lot? In the DMV? I don't think so. Did you imagine this is France?
OP, I don't know how you can make it better, it is hard.

Yes, it's a lot. Plenty of 40 hr/week jobs.

Yes, all the doctors just work no more than 40 hours per week. And earn ton of money to throw money at the problem. You sound like a lazy person.

I don’t know one doctor, including my DH, that works 7:30-3:30, much less 40 hours a week. Try 50-60 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really 55 hours per week is working a lot? In the DMV? I don't think so. Did you imagine this is France?
OP, I don't know how you can make it better, it is hard.

Yes, it's a lot. Plenty of 40 hr/week jobs.

Yes, all the doctors just work no more than 40 hours per week. And earn ton of money to throw money at the problem. You sound like a lazy person.

I don’t know one doctor, including my DH, that works 7:30-3:30, much less 40 hours a week. Try 50-60 hours.

OP never said she was a doctor. She said she worked in healthcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the hell are you kids and DH doing? Why isn’t he doing all the grocery shopping and half the cooking. Also your kids are old enough to do your laundry and also cook simple meals. I was 8 when I started cooking basic stuff like tacos for the whole family. If your kids can operate IPads, cable, Netflix and computer games they can manage laundry. You don’t need to outsource you need to get these lazy folks in your house working. Your DH sounds like an ass if he won’t “let” you get a cleaners more often. Hand him the mop and tel him to have at it. My 6 year has more chores than. Tha this? Why? Because she is part of family and can contribute.

+1. You only have yourself to blame if you are doing most of the work at home and working. I don’t understand why women put up with this. If my husband expected me to do everything at home, I’d make sure to let him know he’ll no longer be seeing my paycheck hit our checking account. I’m not working two jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you're going to feed your kids thawed sandwiches without tomato lettuce or mayo, why not let them eat school lunch?

They can if they want. They can add some sliced tomatoes or lettuce in the morning if they want, or bring a packet of mayonnaise to add at school. Seriously the thawed sandwiches are perfectly fine.

Also you can grab a frozen sandwich and spread a little butter or mayo on the outside and grill it for a quick dinner, like if a kid needs something to eat before heading out to soccer or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you're going to feed your kids thawed sandwiches without tomato lettuce or mayo, why not let them eat school lunch?

They can if they want. They can add some sliced tomatoes or lettuce in the morning if they want, or bring a packet of mayonnaise to add at school. Seriously the thawed sandwiches are perfectly fine.

Also you can grab a frozen sandwich and spread a little butter or mayo on the outside and grill it for a quick dinner, like if a kid needs something to eat before heading out to soccer or whatever.

New PP here. I totally think this is fine too. I think it's a great way to plan ahead and make things go more smoothly during the hectic week. I am surprised that so many are saying they would not like it. Whatever works!

[Anonymous]

I guess everyone missed where DH get the kids ready in the morning and takes them to school, so hence he works later hours?! And OP goes to gym early in the morning, and made it so that she is home with the kids in the afternoon? Some people just can't stop blaming the men for not doing dishes!!!

[Anonymous]

OP here again--this really blew up! I appreciate getting so much helpful feedback!

I wanted to clarify that I am not a doctor and I make a fraction of what an MD makes (50% at best). We make enough to afford bimonthly cleaners and this has been a longstanding discussion/argument between me and DH. At this point, I don't feel I have it in me to go another round.

Also, I have definitely considered after care many, many times and what has held me back is that I negotiated my current schedule with the understanding that this would be a 40 hr/week arrangement. I have really resented the job creep and the fact that I work far more than 40 hours, hence have resisted trying to get into aftercare. But that said, it's a moot point for the next 6 months bc there is already a wait list at our school.

I did sign kids up for enrichment 1 day/week which means I don't have to run out of work every single day, starting next month, and am hoping to use that time to catch up as much as possible.

I mentioned in a prior post that DH does all of our laundry (mine included), makes dinner on weekends, runs/empties the dishwasher some mornings...I agree that I do more, but he's stepped it up. We do online grocery ordering, Amazon Prime, and takeout once a week.

I am definitely looking into more meal prep on weekends! And I wish I could say that I look amazing but the 5 days a week of working out is much more for my sanity than my body

[Anonymous]

OP, didn't read the whole thread but I definitely understand where you're coming from. Couple of suggestions for you to consider:

1) Create a running to-do list in your email or in the notes app that has every little thing from get a present for the upcoming weekend birthday party to schedule the HVAC repairment to plan your summer vacation. Put everything on it. Then, once a day or so, check it and mentally plan to either knock something off the list that day or acknowledge to yourself that you won't do anything that day. Then put it out of your head. I found this helped me a LOT with the constant background noise in my head of things I have to remember not to forget, if that makes sense, and allowed me to focus more on work when I am at work.

2) What about making your kids' homework time a group study hall type of thing? You guys can all sit together and you can take a chunk out of your own work, or make calls, in between homework questions. My oldest is only 7 so we're not into the real homework years yet, but just a thought.

3) Have your kids pick up clutter before they start their afternoon TV, and clean up after dinner. Both of these are easy and age-appropriate chores that don't require training or monitoring from you.

Hang in there. I hear the days are long but the years are short.