Anyone else HATE having people to their home?

[Anonymous]

The friends I have whose homes I enjoy visiting most are the people whose homes look lived in. The people are real, the homes are real, the conversation is relaxed and fun. The focus is on the relationships and having a good time.

If the people you are inviting over are judging you, do you really want to be friends with them anyway? But really, do you actually think your friends are judging you? I'm guessing no. That's just your anxiety talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The friends I have whose homes I enjoy visiting most are the people whose homes look lived in. The people are real, the homes are real, the conversation is relaxed and fun. The focus is on the relationships and having a good time.

If the people you are inviting over are judging you, do you really want to be friends with them anyway? But really, do you actually think your friends are judging you? I'm guessing no. That's just your anxiety talking.

Different poster here. I have felt judged by acquaintances before, justifiably so. Some people are better one on one, not as bitchy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The friends I have whose homes I enjoy visiting most are the people whose homes look lived in. The people are real, the homes are real, the conversation is relaxed and fun. The focus is on the relationships and having a good time.

If the people you are inviting over are judging you, do you really want to be friends with them anyway? But really, do you actually think your friends are judging you? I'm guessing no. That's just your anxiety talking.

Different poster here. I have felt judged by acquaintances before, justifiably so. Some people are better one on one, not as bitchy.

Eh. If a mere acquaintance judges you, who gives a crap?

[Anonymous]

I have a perfect house (think published in home magazines). I love getting invited over to people's small messy houses because I like visiting with PEOPLE. As long as it's not smelly, no one cares about your house ... They just want to see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a perfect house (think published in home magazines). I love getting invited over to people's small messy houses because I like visiting with PEOPLE. As long as it's not smelly, no one cares about your house ... They just want to see you.

Wow, really? How did you get it published in home magazines? I also have a magazine worthy house. I always wondered what the process is.

[Anonymous]

I used to think that people would not judge. I was so wrong. The standards are way too high in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a perfect house (think published in home magazines). I love getting invited over to people's small messy houses because I like visiting with PEOPLE. As long as it's not smelly, no one cares about your house ... They just want to see you.

Wow, really? How did you get it published in home magazines? I also have a magazine worthy house. I always wondered what the process is.

Start with a low self esteem and then mask it with an enormous ego desparate for recognition and validation And then throw in more money than brains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with hating to have people over is that you miss out on a lot of fun invitations. My husband's best friend at work has been to our house about three times with his wife. He admitted to my husband that his wife won't entertain because she feels her house is too small. So guess what? We don't invite them to our house anymore, haven't for years. We see them at other people's homes and occasions out in public, but what a shame for them that they're not willing to entertain.

It's your DH's best friend at work and you are this PETTY counting the visits? What a shame.

I'm not understanding your criticism...we've entertained them formally three times and numerous times for more informal visits. In 20+ years of friendship, they've never had us over. Not once. Am I to continue extending hospitality to them indefinitely? Sorry, I have other people I like just as well that I'd rather invest that time and effort on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with hating to have people over is that you miss out on a lot of fun invitations. My husband's best friend at work has been to our house about three times with his wife. He admitted to my husband that his wife won't entertain because she feels her house is too small. So guess what? We don't invite them to our house anymore, haven't for years. We see them at other people's homes and occasions out in public, but what a shame for them that they're not willing to entertain.

Do you keep a little spreadsheet with tally marks? Like every time you are invited to someone's house you mark a check? and then when they come to your house, you mark a check and if the checks are not even then they are off the list? You sound like a ton of fun. Do you work? Just curious. You seem to have a lot of time on your hands for tracking purposes.

I do work, full time. It's not hard at all to "keep track" when the other party has never had you over. Are you the kind whose kids get invited to others' houses continually and you don't bother to keep track of when it's your turn to host?

No, but I do not invite people over without the expectation of something in return. If I invite someone over it is because I enjoy their company, not because I'm desperate for an invite to their house. Furthermore, if I knew someone was insecure about the condition or size of their home, I certainly would not get offended by their insecurity. Don't take things so personally, everything is not about you, or an offense to your person.

The first three times I was okay with offering no strings attached hospitality. Any more invites from me, and I would feel they were using me, so I stopped inviting them. Is there any point at which you get tired of making an effort for people if they don't reciprocate in any way whatsoever?

No because I don't get offended when people might be uncomfortable hosting. I'm friends with people because I enjoy their company. They have something else to offer that is deeper than a change of venue to their house. No way do I want someone to feel pressure to have me in their home if they are not comfortable with it. Maybe they are hoarders, messy, OCD, or embarrassed for any reason. Maybe they get anxiety over having guests. Whatever it is, it's not about me. We can hang at my house or we can go to a bar/restaurant. For me it is about the company, not who has hosted the most.

Their excuse is their house is too small. I'm not friends with the wife and don't particularly enjoy her company. DH and his friend spent a lot of time together in other ways. I feel no obligation to foster the couple to couple relationship after inviting them repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with hating to have people over is that you miss out on a lot of fun invitations. My husband's best friend at work has been to our house about three times with his wife. He admitted to my husband that his wife won't entertain because she feels her house is too small. So guess what? We don't invite them to our house anymore, haven't for years. We see them at other people's homes and occasions out in public, but what a shame for them that they're not willing to entertain.

Maybe they don't feel shame. Maybe they don't really care.

I'm pretty sure they don't care. I don't care if they care or not. I entertained them with no regrets until it was made clear they would never reciprocate, even by taking us out to dinner at a restaurant. Who needs that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with hating to have people over is that you miss out on a lot of fun invitations. My husband's best friend at work has been to our house about three times with his wife. He admitted to my husband that his wife won't entertain because she feels her house is too small. So guess what? We don't invite them to our house anymore, haven't for years. We see them at other people's homes and occasions out in public, but what a shame for them that they're not willing to entertain.

Do you keep a little spreadsheet with tally marks? Like every time you are invited to someone's house you mark a check? and then when they come to your house, you mark a check and if the checks are not even then they are off the list? You sound like a ton of fun. Do you work? Just curious. You seem to have a lot of time on your hands for tracking purposes.

I do work, full time. It's not hard at all to "keep track" when the other party has never had you over. Are you the kind whose kids get invited to others' houses continually and you don't bother to keep track of when it's your turn to host?

No, but I do not invite people over without the expectation of something in return. If I invite someone over it is because I enjoy their company, not because I'm desperate for an invite to their house. Furthermore, if I knew someone was insecure about the condition or size of their home, I certainly would not get offended by their insecurity. Don't take things so personally, everything is not about you, or an offense to your person.

The first three times I was okay with offering no strings attached hospitality. Any more invites from me, and I would feel they were using me, so I stopped inviting them. Is there any point at which you get tired of making an effort for people if they don't reciprocate in any way whatsoever?

No because I don't get offended when people might be uncomfortable hosting. I'm friends with people because I enjoy their company. They have something else to offer that is deeper than a change of venue to their house. No way do I want someone to feel pressure to have me in their home if they are not comfortable with it. Maybe they are hoarders, messy, OCD, or embarrassed for any reason. Maybe they get anxiety over having guests. Whatever it is, it's not about me. We can hang at my house or we can go to a bar/restaurant. For me it is about the company, not who has hosted the most.

Their excuse is their house is too small. I'm not friends with the wife and don't particularly enjoy her company. DH and his friend spent a lot of time together in other ways. I feel no obligation to foster the couple to couple relationship after inviting them repeatedly.

You sound really shallow and self-absorbed. I think most everyone gets that already though, not like I have to spell it out.

[Anonymous]

DH loves it. I only like it occassionally.

This is because I do all the shopping, cooking and getting house ready. He just plays bartender.

The clean-ups always suck.

I never enjoy myself in my own house parties because I'm running around 'working'.

I love having impromptu get togethers with neighbors where I'm not serving--just sharing wine/drinks and appetizers but I'm not a fan of bigger things in my house.

I also work and I just want to relax or go out --not fret over entertaining. During the day I am out at kids sports stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with hating to have people over is that you miss out on a lot of fun invitations. My husband's best friend at work has been to our house about three times with his wife. He admitted to my husband that his wife won't entertain because she feels her house is too small. So guess what? We don't invite them to our house anymore, haven't for years. We see them at other people's homes and occasions out in public, but what a shame for them that they're not willing to entertain.

It's your DH's best friend at work and you are this PETTY counting the visits? What a shame.

I'm not understanding your criticism...we've entertained them formally three times and numerous times for more informal visits. In 20+ years of friendship, they've never had us over. Not once. Am I to continue extending hospitality to them indefinitely? Sorry, I have other people I like just as well that I'd rather invest that time and effort on.

It's funny. DH and I have a family we LOVE that never have anyone to their home. But- they have huge hearts and are generous in every other way. We invite them over a lot and I've never stopped to think I should cut them off.

If you don't really like them then I get it--but for really good friends there is zero tally on my part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to relax. You need to tell yourself that you really wouldn't want to have friends who judge you for a crappy paint job or a little mess. Put yourself in a frame of mind that the most important thing is to make them feel welcome. That should include letting them see a bit of failure and humanity. Let them help you make the crudites. My best dinner parties have involved someone helping me out of a bind and taking over a chicken or gravy or something. People love to feel needed.

Personally, I hate going to perfect houses. I am suspicious of anyone whose house is immaculate and where all the furniture looks like it came out of a showroom.

OP here. Thanks for the advice, that's a really good point. I like people best when they come by their flaws honestly, so I don't know why I feel the need to look perfect!

\

People just really appreciate being invited to someone's home and being fed. Honestly you could make some roast veggies and pick up a rotisserie chicken and a bottle of wine and 99% of people will just be happy to have some company and some food. The other 1% aren't worth having in your home anyway, better to weed them out of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with hating to have people over is that you miss out on a lot of fun invitations. My husband's best friend at work has been to our house about three times with his wife. He admitted to my husband that his wife won't entertain because she feels her house is too small. So guess what? We don't invite them to our house anymore, haven't for years. We see them at other people's homes and occasions out in public, but what a shame for them that they're not willing to entertain.

Do you keep a little spreadsheet with tally marks? Like every time you are invited to someone's house you mark a check? and then when they come to your house, you mark a check and if the checks are not even then they are off the list? You sound like a ton of fun. Do you work? Just curious. You seem to have a lot of time on your hands for tracking purposes.

I do work, full time. It's not hard at all to "keep track" when the other party has never had you over. Are you the kind whose kids get invited to others' houses continually and you don't bother to keep track of when it's your turn to host?

No, but I do not invite people over without the expectation of something in return. If I invite someone over it is because I enjoy their company, not because I'm desperate for an invite to their house. Furthermore, if I knew someone was insecure about the condition or size of their home, I certainly would not get offended by their insecurity. Don't take things so personally, everything is not about you, or an offense to your person.

The first three times I was okay with offering no strings attached hospitality. Any more invites from me, and I would feel they were using me, so I stopped inviting them. Is there any point at which you get tired of making an effort for people if they don't reciprocate in any way whatsoever?

No because I don't get offended when people might be uncomfortable hosting. I'm friends with people because I enjoy their company. They have something else to offer that is deeper than a change of venue to their house. No way do I want someone to feel pressure to have me in their home if they are not comfortable with it. Maybe they are hoarders, messy, OCD, or embarrassed for any reason. Maybe they get anxiety over having guests. Whatever it is, it's not about me. We can hang at my house or we can go to a bar/restaurant. For me it is about the company, not who has hosted the most.

Their excuse is their house is too small. I'm not friends with the wife and don't particularly enjoy her company. DH and his friend spent a lot of time together in other ways. I feel no obligation to foster the couple to couple relationship after inviting them repeatedly.

You sound really shallow and self-absorbed. I think most everyone gets that already though, not like I have to spell it out.

Only here would I be criticized for not wanting to entertain other people for free indefinitely. Y'all are pieces of work! I'd love for you to have me over for dinner and parties and never reciprocate for whatever reason.