DH is a superficial ass

[ZachF]

Anonymous wrote:Tell that ass to go to hell.

If my husband EVER told me I was fat and unattractive I'd lose 180 pounds over night and have him served with divorce papers the next day. What a mean thing your husband did.

Take his shit and find happiness without him. Who the f does he think he is ? God's gift ?

I would never let any man tell me to lose weight. For him. F him.

Fair enough. What request for change or self-improvement would you honor from your husband? Just curious. What would you expect him to do for you if asked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the context? Did you say, why aren't we having sex anymore, I need to know...and he answered, I'm honestly not attracted to you because of your weight? If he did not say it maliciously, I know it may still hurt, but i think anger and lashing out is not the best response.

If it was something like that I think you two can work on it, if you still want to. You can be just as honest and say well I still feel sexy, and i think you are a bit obsessed with exercise and body control. Likely he sees it as a sign of self control. You guys can find other ways to rebuild intimacy by doing things like working out together, going for couples massages, or vacationing. In every relationship this happens (attraction wanes and has to be built back up) so I wouldn't get too hung up on the weight issue. And make sure you really are doing things that make you feel sexy (nice clothes, pampering, etc) so that you are honest when you tell him you feel sexy.

Yes it was like that.
I have had a few days to ponder it, I still don't know how to get over it.
Is this worth working through?
He is otherwise a great guy. But this really hurt me and I told him. He seems surprised I didn't get over it that day.
I also prefer my men a bit heavier but he doesn't seem to care about that.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. The funny part is I look great as far as aging.

I have few wrinkles, keep my gray covered. I probably look a few years younger than I am. I have great teeth.
He has a ton of wrinkles and gray. But the only thing that matters to him is weight. He has crooked teeth. I CANNOT imagine telling him to get braces!!! It's the same thing.


I wish he would not have so many wrinkles, he looks older than he is. BUT I REALLY DONT CARE THAT MUCH. I am still attracted to him, I just find this really unfair. He is good looking to me but he is not model hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. The funny part is I look great as far as aging.

I have few wrinkles, keep my gray covered. I probably look a few years younger than I am. I have great teeth.
He has a ton of wrinkles and gray. But the only thing that matters to him is weight. He has crooked teeth. I CANNOT imagine telling him to get braces!!! It's the same thing.

I wish he would not have so many wrinkles, he looks older than he is. BUT I REALLY DONT CARE THAT MUCH. I am still attracted to him, I just find this really unfair. He is good looking to me but he is not model hot.

No, it's not. While I don't agree with what he said, and apparently how he said it, the fact is that your 50lbs of extra weight does impact more than smoothing out your wrinkles. Men are visual and your extra weight is unhealthy. Maybe not yet it isn't, but the odds are great it will be.

BTW, weight isn't always even distributed. It is more often concentrated in areas such as the stomach and butt. That overlap thing with fat stomachs is very unappealing and that goes for men and women.

[Anonymous]

Teeth are easy to fix. Nobody well off should have poor teeth.
To some people, teeth are more important than weight, myself included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the context? Did you say, why aren't we having sex anymore, I need to know...and he answered, I'm honestly not attracted to you because of your weight? If he did not say it maliciously, I know it may still hurt, but i think anger and lashing out is not the best response.

If it was something like that I think you two can work on it, if you still want to. You can be just as honest and say well I still feel sexy, and i think you are a bit obsessed with exercise and body control. Likely he sees it as a sign of self control. You guys can find other ways to rebuild intimacy by doing things like working out together, going for couples massages, or vacationing. In every relationship this happens (attraction wanes and has to be built back up) so I wouldn't get too hung up on the weight issue. And make sure you really are doing things that make you feel sexy (nice clothes, pampering, etc) so that you are honest when you tell him you feel sexy.

Yes it was like that.
I have had a few days to ponder it, I still don't know how to get over it.
Is this worth working through?
He is otherwise a great guy. But this really hurt me and I told him. He seems surprised I didn't get over it that day.
I also prefer my men a bit heavier but he doesn't seem to care about that.

First I think you should try harder to lose the extra weight. Not for him, but for you and your health. It will help your self esteem in the process to feel better about your appearance. I also think you need to not center your world around him. Too often women base their identity on the man when in "most" cases they're not worth it. He may truly be the type to cut and run if you get cancer, or something else if you lose your outer appeal. Mainly his attitude is a pretty big red flag, and really who weighs themselves twice a day. Another red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has disordered thinking. The red flags for me were that he weighs himself twice a day and works out 8 times a week.

I have (mostly) recovered from an eating disorder and don't own a scale and "only" work out 5-6 times a week. I am very firm about having a "rest" day for my body and won't do anything more strenuous than strolling around for a couple of miles.

+1 I'm a good 60lbs heavier than when DH and I married (been married 25 years). He still finds me very attractive and has no problem getting an erection. You got a dud.

OP here, he doesn't have erection problems. But he just isn't that interested.

OP work out, make some changes and lose the weight. Why wouldn't you instead of putting it all on him. It's hard enough to be attracted when both are ageing but letting oneself go is going to make it worse. He gave you a big hint.

You should want this for yourself first and foremost.

[Anonymous]

60lbs is a lot of weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice.
I do have a diet plan I am working with my doctor on.
I have lost both my parents within a year of each other ( in their 60s) and maybe that contributed to the weight gain and the need for feeling some unconditional love.

OP, I think you've realized that it is this.. you are upset becaues he can't seem to "love" you unconditionally. If he told you in a mean way that you are fat and he finds you unattractive, then that is not unconditional love.

However, one can still love another person without finding that person "attractive". But, if you are looking for him to be attracted to you, then you do have to be what he finds attractive physically. If you are thinking that he should find you attractive just because of your personality, then I don't think that's realistic. Men are very visual creatures, more so than women are.

But, you still don't deserve for him to say it in a mean way if that's what how he said it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the context? Did you say, why aren't we having sex anymore, I need to know...and he answered, I'm honestly not attracted to you because of your weight? If he did not say it maliciously, I know it may still hurt, but i think anger and lashing out is not the best response.

If it was something like that I think you two can work on it, if you still want to. You can be just as honest and say well I still feel sexy, and i think you are a bit obsessed with exercise and body control. Likely he sees it as a sign of self control. You guys can find other ways to rebuild intimacy by doing things like working out together, going for couples massages, or vacationing. In every relationship this happens (attraction wanes and has to be built back up) so I wouldn't get too hung up on the weight issue. And make sure you really are doing things that make you feel sexy (nice clothes, pampering, etc) so that you are honest when you tell him you feel sexy.

Yes it was like that.
I have had a few days to ponder it, I still don't know how to get over it.
Is this worth working through?
He is otherwise a great guy. But this really hurt me and I told him. He seems surprised I didn't get over it that day.
I also prefer my men a bit heavier but he doesn't seem to care about that.

I'm a DW, and I don't find my DH's big belly attractive. At times, it makes me not want to have sex with him. I'm not generally a superficial person, but big bellies are a turn off; I find myself unattractive when I have a big belly, too. DH doesn't seem to care, but I do. I have never told him I find him unattractive, but I have told him that he should exercise more for his health. We do have sex, but I know he wants it more than we have it. I would probably have it more if I found him more attractive (and better in bed, but that's for a different thread).

Regardless, he is a good man, and there are many qualities about him that I do find attractive and that I love. But, I think for women it's different. Men are more into physical looks than women are. But, I don't think he should've said it to you that way. I know if I said what I just wrote here to my DH, he'd be hurt, too.

[Anonymous]

I see deeper issues in this, like pinning unrealistic expectations on the husband, and a chip on the shoulder. Maybe it's mutual, and you're both caught in a vicious and destructive cycle of blame. And/or maybe OP likes playing the victim game (see Eric Berne's Games People Play).

Either way, obsessing over the "fat" comment is a distraction from acknowledging or dealing with deeper issues.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with my weight too. I'm glad that my husband has never been so "honest". The way we feel about someone comes from the thoughts that we allow ourselves to think about them. He is allowing himself to "think" negatively. Sounds like it is because he is so obsessive himself. You don't have to enter into his obsessiveness. He is trying to use negative manipulation and it doesn't work. The best environment for a woman to have the motivation to work on herself is when she feels unconditionally loved. You can offer that to yourself whether he does or not. Remember God loves you unconditionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the context? Did you say, why aren't we having sex anymore, I need to know...and he answered, I'm honestly not attracted to you because of your weight? If he did not say it maliciously, I know it may still hurt, but i think anger and lashing out is not the best response.

If it was something like that I think you two can work on it, if you still want to. You can be just as honest and say well I still feel sexy, and i think you are a bit obsessed with exercise and body control. Likely he sees it as a sign of self control. You guys can find other ways to rebuild intimacy by doing things like working out together, going for couples massages, or vacationing. In every relationship this happens (attraction wanes and has to be built back up) so I wouldn't get too hung up on the weight issue. And make sure you really are doing things that make you feel sexy (nice clothes, pampering, etc) so that you are honest when you tell him you feel sexy.

Yes it was like that.
I have had a few days to ponder it, I still don't know how to get over it.
Is this worth working through?
He is otherwise a great guy. But this really hurt me and I told him. He seems surprised I didn't get over it that day.
I also prefer my men a bit heavier but he doesn't seem to care about that.

I'm a DW, and I don't find my DH's big belly attractive. At times, it makes me not want to have sex with him. I'm not generally a superficial person, but big bellies are a turn off; I find myself unattractive when I have a big belly, too. DH doesn't seem to care, but I do. I have never told him I find him unattractive, but I have told him that he should exercise more for his health. We do have sex, but I know he wants it more than we have it. I would probably have it more if I found him more attractive (and better in bed, but that's for a different thread).

Regardless, he is a good man, and there are many qualities about him that I do find attractive and that I love. But, I think for women it's different. Men are more into physical looks than women are. But, I don't think he should've said it to you that way. I know if I said what I just wrote here to my DH, he'd be hurt, too.

I've said this over and over here: If a guy wants more sex he should be someone his wife wants to sleep with. He should stay in shape and get good at the things that please her in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the context? Did you say, why aren't we having sex anymore, I need to know...and he answered, I'm honestly not attracted to you because of your weight? If he did not say it maliciously, I know it may still hurt, but i think anger and lashing out is not the best response.

If it was something like that I think you two can work on it, if you still want to. You can be just as honest and say well I still feel sexy, and i think you are a bit obsessed with exercise and body control. Likely he sees it as a sign of self control. You guys can find other ways to rebuild intimacy by doing things like working out together, going for couples massages, or vacationing. In every relationship this happens (attraction wanes and has to be built back up) so I wouldn't get too hung up on the weight issue. And make sure you really are doing things that make you feel sexy (nice clothes, pampering, etc) so that you are honest when you tell him you feel sexy.

Yes it was like that.
I have had a few days to ponder it, I still don't know how to get over it.
Is this worth working through?
He is otherwise a great guy. But this really hurt me and I told him. He seems surprised I didn't get over it that day.
I also prefer my men a bit heavier but he doesn't seem to care about that.

I'm a DW, and I don't find my DH's big belly attractive. At times, it makes me not want to have sex with him. I'm not generally a superficial person, but big bellies are a turn off; I find myself unattractive when I have a big belly, too. DH doesn't seem to care, but I do. I have never told him I find him unattractive, but I have told him that he should exercise more for his health. We do have sex, but I know he wants it more than we have it. I would probably have it more if I found him more attractive (and better in bed, but that's for a different thread).

Regardless, he is a good man, and there are many qualities about him that I do find attractive and that I love. But, I think for women it's different. Men are more into physical looks than women are. But, I don't think he should've said it to you that way. I know if I said what I just wrote here to my DH, he'd be hurt, too.

I've said this over and over here: If a guy wants more sex he should be someone his wife wants to sleep with. He should stay in shape and get good at the things that please her in bed.

If you're being reaistic about this whole thing, both partners should stay fit if they want their partner to be attracted to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell that ass to go to hell.

If my husband EVER told me I was fat and unattractive I'd lose 180 pounds over night and have him served with divorce papers the next day. What a mean thing your husband did.

Take his shit and find happiness without him. Who the f does he think he is ? God's gift ?

I would never let any man tell me to lose weight. For him. F him.

180 pounds overweight is huge and would take an incredible amount of effort, time and discipline to lose in a healthy manner. You should get off DCUM and get to work, baby.

I think she was referring to ditching her husband - hence losing his 180 lbs...


OP- looking attractive has enormous powder- do it for both of you. You'll feel different in a slimmer fit body and he probably knows that from his own experience. I just think of it as a self respect issue personally; I want to treat my body well, know that I look good naked, wear what I like etc... There is only upside to losing the weight. Don't punish him for being honest with you.

I'm sorry for your loss- I was there in March too, it's hard (and my daily time in the gym was the only time I felt my mood improve sometimes..)