ANTI-CHILDREN wedding? can't even bring children to the resort even if you have your own babysitter?

[Anonymous]

So many on this thread are missing one of the OP's points about this whole dilemma - THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES WITH KIDS THAT ARE INVITED TO THE WEDDING.

So while many people made good points about not wanting kids at a wedding because of them encroaching upon the events, etc, in this particular case, there are no other kids to worry about. The only kids that could possibly be a hassle to the bride and groom are this particular couples! So it seems insane for the bride and groom to send an email to all stating no kids at the (kid-friendly) resort.

I posted earlier about responding to them via email and stating your plans (to respect their wishes and not bring kids to the wedding-related events but that you will be bringing your children to the resort, with a sitter. Otherwise, you won't be able to attend. ) If they have a problem with that, then don't go. End of story. If they really want you there, this option will make sense to them as it in no way "ruins" their wedding.

I personally don't understand it at all. But then again, I know someone that actually had a "no ring no bring" policy to her wedding. No matter that I was living with my (now husband). I was not invited (my husband used to date her long ago and then she married a good friend of his). Ludicrious, huh? Needless to say, we did not attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many on this thread are missing one of the OP's points about this whole dilemma - THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES WITH KIDS THAT ARE INVITED TO THE WEDDING.

So while many people made good points about not wanting kids at a wedding because of them encroaching upon the events, etc, in this particular case, there are no other kids to worry about. The only kids that could possibly be a hassle to the bride and groom are this particular couples! So it seems insane for the bride and groom to send an email to all stating no kids at the (kid-friendly) resort.

I posted earlier about responding to them via email and stating your plans (to respect their wishes and not bring kids to the wedding-related events but that you will be bringing your children to the resort, with a sitter. Otherwise, you won't be able to attend. ) If they have a problem with that, then don't go. End of story. If they really want you there, this option will make sense to them as it in no way "ruins" their wedding.

I personally don't understand it at all. But then again, I know someone that actually had a "no ring no bring" policy to her wedding. No matter that I was living with my (now husband). I was not invited (my husband used to date her long ago and then she married a good friend of his). Ludicrious, huh? Needless to say, we did not attend.

op here...actually i was wrong about this. we are their only friends with kids, but apparently she has a large extended family with lots of children. my husband won't ask his friend about it so once again we are going to have to be in limbo b/c my husband has no backbone whatsoever. he has a backbone with me though! he is just so afraid to ask anyone about anything which could even in the least be confrontational. it doesn't have to be confrontational i am trying to explain to him to just ask. he says he'll ask him but i know he won't and we'll have to wonder what our plans are now for the next few months. if i don't do anything then i'll feel guilty if we don't end up going b/c he will be bummed. i always end up having to be the "bad" guy in every one of his relationships b/c he puts things off until the point where i am basically forced to deal with the situation or person. love him...he has a heart of gold and means well, but this is for sure the one thing about him that causes us some problems.

[Anonymous]

OP- My husband can be like that sometimes, puts things off to avoid confrontation. It's maddening! The way I'd deal with your situation is explain to him your options: (a) Talk to the couple about bringing your kids and the babysitter to the resort, (b) staying home, or (c) he attends alone. Tell him the choice is his, but that you want to decide by X date so you can make your plans accordingly. That way, the choice is ultimately his, but you get a say too in that the decision be made sooner rather than putting it off.

[Anonymous]

Ahhhhh. Gotcha. Yeah, my husband can be the same way too. I agree with the PP - set some deadlines with him!

Good luck!!!!

[Anonymous]

I don't see what people think the OP needs to ask the couple about. If the resort allows children, the couple can't ban them. The couple can offer as many nonwedding events as it wants for the weekend, but those are supposed to be fun, not mandatory; the couple can't require that people attending the wedding and reception also attend the extracurriculars, regardless of whether the guests brought their kids. Agreeing to attend the reception doesn't obligate anyone to attend the martinis-n-manicures shinding or the best ball golf tournament or the scavenger hunt or whatever else is standing in the way of guest playing with their kids or reading a good book or taking an epic nap.

Is the bridal couple paying for people to stay at the resort? Then they have the right to decide not to pay to host your children, or anyone else they haven't invited. If guests are paying for themselves, the couple has no right to tell people who they can or can't bring to the resort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love the poster who said that weddings are for families and friends--they are but sorry little kids does not have to be part of the event and overall theme and to suggest that you should elope if you don't have kids as part is the kind of self absorbed muck that many of the posters here are suggesting the bride and groom are full of. I am sorry it's simple-they are having a wedding-their right and their right to have a certain kind of wedding-it's a destination wedding--totally different than having a wedding at a venue in a local city-destination weddings often have all kinds of events throughout the weekend and so they deemed adults only most likely to avoid confusion once everyone is there and all the kids start showing up at the various event since again it is most likely more than a rehearsal dinner and wedding they are organizing--that's the long and short of it-if it doesn't fit your idea of how to spend a weekend..don't go but this nonense of calling this bride a "bridezilla" because she is planning an adults only wedding is just dumb. Because we have kids doesn't mean we get to bring them everywhere--some people set some boundaries and of course lots of kids with parents don't like boundaries but tough--good for the bride that she is planning a weekend that she likes instead of me..who wound up having a ton of kids at my wedding and it really was expensive and just wasn't the kind of wedding that I wanted.

Wow, I really am sorry that you got bullied into having a wedding that wasn't what you wanted. (No sarcasm.) I don't feel entitled to bring my child everywhere, and the comment about eloping was sort of tongue-in-cheek. Just because it seems weird to me to have family-focused events without kids doesn't mean I would force my kids on the hosts, or that I can't think of 1,000 other kinds of events where bringing kids doesn't make sense. It just, seems weird to me, and seems to be sort of a modern thing that maybe has been fueled by the industry that now feeds off weddings (that industry which is impossible to escape is probably a good part of why having kids at your wedding became an overwhelming, spiraling expense for you).

Entitlement on the part of hosts or guests is ugly, which is why I wouldn't recommend that the OP just bring her family in direct contravention of this particular bride and groom's directive. She's clearly been put in a horribly awkward position by these people, though. It's not just the adults only wedding, which admittedly plenty of people do even though it is not for me, it is the full weekend ban that is crazy over-the-top here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you realize how sillly you seem pp? Do you want an award that you never want to be away from your child?? Does this make you a better parent? You are definitely the kid of mommy that I cringe at--you are the dreaded "santimommy"--in any event, you can bring your kids to all vacations-that is your choice. But..if you and the kids are not invited to a social event, you need to stay home and not get angry about it. Just as you insist having your kids with you at all times, other people can insist to have kidfree things.

SanCtimommy. Give her a break, she was responding to the snippy woman who said those who don't leave their children for weekends away have no life. You really never know what the deal is with people, so why waste the anger? I also fall into the boat of not leaving my kids. They make my life so happy and I honestly don't want to miss a minute. I have no family besides them, and you never know what will happen in the future. So, what of it? I have no idea why that would bother someone else so much.

Hey, I think the first poster here is the same person who is insulting people ALL OVER THIS SITE. As exhibited by how she spells that word. It's her favorite insult. So, I think we should all just ignore her! (But thanks for trying to help her spelling - unfortunately, she keeps making the same spelling and grammar errors every time she posts.)

Actually, I kinda like "santimommy." It's got that whole red hat, cherry nose, ho-ho-ho vibe to it.

[Anonymous]

Entitlement on the part of hosts or guests is ugly, which is why I wouldn't recommend that the OP just bring her family in direct contravention of this particular bride and groom's directive.

Bringing kids to the reception would be entitlement. Bringing them to the resort is simply ignoring the crazy, which is perfectly proper.

[Anonymous]

I love this-yes I have posted several times on this topic in response to other people's responses-love that as usual if someone doesn't like something they don't stay on point and then attack the poster i.e. attacking my spelling--sorry I am busy and only have a minute to type in and don't create responses like it's my opus--I am pretty sure everyone is getting my point. I had lunch with a friend today and this whole thread came up--she said that she gave up giving responses on the boards posts because if you don't go with the majority theme it's gets into some kind of nasty attack. I think there needs to be perspective even if you don't like it.

[Anonymous]

"Just as many folks are finding the bridal couple's request for no kids at the resort to be rude, I find the suggestion to outright ignore their stated request to be rather offensive.

The couple has stated their wishes. So be it. I imagine they are aware of the possible repercussions (e.g. declined invitations). "


I think this and the posters who pointed out that while staying away might cause a rift, coming and bringing your children against the couple's express wishes could cause an even greater one. And, I don't think it makes a hill of beans of difference that the bride and groom don't have the same wishes about the children in their family. In fact, I can completely understand that because those children are family.

I also don't really see what OP's husband is supposed to ask his friend. Why can your family's children come and mine can't? The answer is so obvious -- those kids are family and that is how they decided to define their event.

On a much smaller scale, I remember way back before I had kids, when I would host adults only parties (expressly stated so on invitations), all too often people would show up with their kids because "they couldn't find a baby sitter" or "their sitter cancelled at the last minute." I really found it disrespectful that they could not honor my wishes - and these were only parties, not one of the most significant life events of a married couple.

All this being said, I've had to decline many an event because my children weren't invited and I either couldn't or didn't find a babysitter. It's all a part of the life changes we go through when we become parents. Personally, while I would be surprised by the request, I would not find this request a deal breaker in an otherwise good relationship, though some might. And, I would hope that my friends would not find it a deal breaker when I declined, because I wouldn't leave my kids for a weekend wedding.

[Anonymous]

op here....i just wanted to give you all an update....i actually sent the groom to be a nice email, as taken from advice i received on this board - thanks! i basically responded to the email which wasn't just about the kids, it was also about the wedding details as well. anyway i said we were excited to come to the wedding and are bringing a sitter to the resort so we can enjoy all of the events while the sitter is at the resort with the kids. i was shocked by his response which was merely that that was great and they are happy we are coming. so that is it and no more worries! all is well. thanks for your posts and input!

[Anonymous]

Glad it worked out but I think you really put him in a weird place. What was he going to say??? Also thought it was interesting that you sent this email and not your husband who is his friend. Strange. I think the correct thing to do would have been 1)your husband his friend send the email. 2)Ask instead of letting someone know--since by telling your plans you are in effect putting him in a situation where he really has no choice other than to have some kind of war ex. When asking you could have said-I see this is an adults only event and we would love to go but wanted to run by you that the only way we could go were to bring out kids with a sitter. We understand that our kids are not part of the events that weekend. Would this be okay with you guys and please be candid with us since it's your day. Finally-this goes beyond whether people think kids should be part of events or not but just informing someone and not giving them the choice --since apparently you got your choice and it's their event is why a lot of people find families with kids annoying.

[Anonymous]

Oh good lord 20:42 poster!!! Where were you with the clever advice when the OP needed it? Now you want to make her feel bad for taking a stand and getting on with it so she could make plans for the family? (she was pretty clear that DH was not going to do this and I can relate with just wanting to get it over with and make plans one way or the other)

OP - good for you. Have grown-up fun at the wedding without your kids and have a great time on vacation with the kids (and away from the wedding peeps).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad it worked out but I think you really put him in a weird place. What was he going to say??? Also thought it was interesting that you sent this email and not your husband who is his friend. Strange. I think the correct thing to do would have been 1)your husband his friend send the email. 2)Ask instead of letting someone know--since by telling your plans you are in effect putting him in a situation where he really has no choice other than to have some kind of war ex. When asking you could have said-I see this is an adults only event and we would love to go but wanted to run by you that the only way we could go were to bring out kids with a sitter. We understand that our kids are not part of the events that weekend. Would this be okay with you guys and please be candid with us since it's your day. Finally-this goes beyond whether people think kids should be part of events or not but just informing someone and not giving them the choice --since apparently you got your choice and it's their event is why a lot of people find families with kids annoying.

op here...my husband thought the email wasn't really aimed at people like us, but rather her large extended family that has lots of kids. he didn't think they meant not to bring them to the resort, just the wedding events, so i sent him an email to test him out. trust me, this guy always says what he thinks no matter what (he in fact basically told us to take our child home once b/c he was trying to watch a game (not the superball - just a game) anyway, point being i knew he would absolutely respond with a big "no" if that is how they feel. he would not go along with it just to be polite. it is not in his nature. anyway, he seems fine with it. we're going to rent a little townhouse at the resort which isn't in the main hotel so we will be a bit removed from the action and will keep our little ones in seclusion! ha thanks again for all of your helpful posts. it is funny how having children is so wonderful but i have found myself in more "awkward" situations since having children ie: whether it is asking aunt susie to wash her hands before holding new baby or asking someone to put away their rotweiller dog around my children, or etc.... you really need to have a backbone with children not to always get your own way, but rather i mean just to even have to ask questions and address certain situations that can be awkward. anyway, thanks again! problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Um, if it was sent to you, then it was aimed at you.

As a former wedding planner, I can tell you that this is a huge problem for couples getting married. Maybe you will be the ones who abide by their rules, but
1.) if any of their relatives see you at the resort with your kids, then the couple will hear about it for the rest of their lives.
2.) You did put the groom in an awkward position. You didn't ask, you told, and it is their wedding, not yours.
3.) Most parents say, "oh, our kids won't be there/they won't be a bother" etc., but one of you will be leaving the festivities every night because of your kids, and basically you'll be treating this as a family vacation with wedding activities, but they wanted everyone to go, focus on the fun, and have it be about them, and honestly, that was their right.

Sorry to be so blunt about it, but there is one couple at every wedding who completely disregards the bride and groom's wishes, and you're it for this one.