I am currently being distant to wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It's not just women that do this. My 45 yr old husband is overweight and has not gotten a haircut in months. He looks terrible and I have told him so but does nothing about it. We have had sex maybe one time in the last three months because he is not interested unless he happens to have Morningwood.

I linger fondly over our days living on Morningwood. The air redolent of wet, dark, and loamy earth and

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once a week sex where the man initiates in the norm in marriage. Sure, some people do it more, some do it less. Your situation is normal.

You trade hot sex for love and security and family when you get married. Of course people know the sex cools off when the ring goes on. That's why men have a proverbial bachelor party.

Uh, OK, the woman gets that stuff in trade, but what does the man get?

Huge legal and financial obligations, and no sex. Yay! Who wouldn't sign up for that?

Men who are married are happier and live longer than single men. Married women get the shaft.

...or not, as PP is suggesting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess you win the "most immature husband of the year" award.

Do you consider sex to be frivolous?

No, but OP's "being distant to wife" and acting childish instead of talking about it, that is immature.

For many of us, myself included, we've talked about it for years, and our spouse's behavior remains unchanged and our sexual needs remain unmet, yet divorce or cheating is not an option. I find that distancing and withdrawing myself is a defense mechanism that helps limit the sense of disappointment I have in my spouse.

+1 Exactly

Cheating or divorce is ALWAYS an option. If you don't think so now, give it a few months/years.
Normal people cannot stay faithful in a sexless marriage, nor should they.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess you win the "most immature husband of the year" award.

Do you consider sex to be frivolous?

No, but OP's "being distant to wife" and acting childish instead of talking about it, that is immature.

I'll bet she just prays he slips on a banana peel. So much nicer to be a widow versus a divorcee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain brother. When I'm not having regular sex or if my wife withdraws from the relationship physically I don't feel connected . I feel like roommates except that I'm being robbed from being with someone who wants to have sex with me.

I shutdown when that component is missing from my relationship as I will feel neglected. We've been to therapy about this. Therapist said that's just the way I am, I won't change. I know she's hoping that when I get older the libido will die down a bit. But when that happens then what. I would have felt so neglected and so much resentment that it's not worth it.

I am an active person, very athletic and competitive so I have a high libido. I remember my wife complaining to the therapist about it. Therapist - who was a women - said people like me usually have high libidos. That's not going to change anytime soon. She told my wife you better find a way to rekindle or it won't work.

For me, it's to stop being so walled off. So we both have issues but my resentment stems from lack of sex.

I feel robbed frankly. So I understand how you feel OP

So, your wife's feelings and needs do not matter? You have to have sex no matter what? I think you are selfish and despite your therapist being a woman I would have wanted another one that wasn't so biased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know her age and what her lifestyle is like (I.e., children/workload/etc.), but expecting daily sex is not actually doable for many people.

Just sayin'......

Honestly if someone expected that of me I would hope for a car accident. Why do I want a 2nd or 3rd job when I come home?

If you are a dependent selfish sob then please don't be married. It's not all about you, and not my responsibility to make sure your unrealistic needs are met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain brother. When I'm not having regular sex or if my wife withdraws from the relationship physically I don't feel connected . I feel like roommates except that I'm being robbed from being with someone who wants to have sex with me.

I shutdown when that component is missing from my relationship as I will feel neglected. We've been to therapy about this. Therapist said that's just the way I am, I won't change. I know she's hoping that when I get older the libido will die down a bit. But when that happens then what. I would have felt so neglected and so much resentment that it's not worth it.

I am an active person, very athletic and competitive so I have a high libido. I remember my wife complaining to the therapist about it. Therapist - who was a women - said people like me usually have high libidos. That's not going to change anytime soon. She told my wife you better find a way to rekindle or it won't work.

For me, it's to stop being so walled off. So we both have issues but my resentment stems from lack of sex.

I feel robbed frankly. So I understand how you feel OP

So, your wife's feelings and needs do not matter? You have to have sex no matter what? I think you are selfish and despite your therapist being a woman I would have wanted another one that wasn't so biased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain brother. When I'm not having regular sex or if my wife withdraws from the relationship physically I don't feel connected . I feel like roommates except that I'm being robbed from being with someone who wants to have sex with me.

I shutdown when that component is missing from my relationship as I will feel neglected. We've been to therapy about this. Therapist said that's just the way I am, I won't change. I know she's hoping that when I get older the libido will die down a bit. But when that happens then what. I would have felt so neglected and so much resentment that it's not worth it.

I am an active person, very athletic and competitive so I have a high libido. I remember my wife complaining to the therapist about it. Therapist - who was a women - said people like me usually have high libidos. That's not going to change anytime soon. She told my wife you better find a way to rekindle or it won't work.

For me, it's to stop being so walled off. So we both have issues but my resentment stems from lack of sex.

I feel robbed frankly. So I understand how you feel OP

So, your wife's feelings and needs do not matter? You have to have sex no matter what? I think you are selfish and despite your therapist being a woman I would have wanted another one that wasn't so biased.

This person is a creeper, and I feel sorry for their spouse who is probably trying to get out as we speak!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know her age and what her lifestyle is like (I.e., children/workload/etc.), but expecting daily sex is not actually doable for many people.

Just sayin'......

Honestly if someone expected that of me I would hope for a car accident. Why do I want a 2nd or 3rd job when I come home?

If you are a dependent selfish sob then please don't be married. It's not all about you, and not my responsibility to make sure your unrealistic needs are met.

Actually, yeah, it is your job to make sure your spouse's sexual needs are met.

Why do you get to decide what is "selfish" and "unrealistic"? Your spouse could, with as much justice, argue that you are being selfish and unrealistic by refusing to have sex every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain brother. When I'm not having regular sex or if my wife withdraws from the relationship physically I don't feel connected . I feel like roommates except that I'm being robbed from being with someone who wants to have sex with me.

I shutdown when that component is missing from my relationship as I will feel neglected. We've been to therapy about this. Therapist said that's just the way I am, I won't change. I know she's hoping that when I get older the libido will die down a bit. But when that happens then what. I would have felt so neglected and so much resentment that it's not worth it.

I am an active person, very athletic and competitive so I have a high libido. I remember my wife complaining to the therapist about it. Therapist - who was a women - said people like me usually have high libidos. That's not going to change anytime soon. She told my wife you better find a way to rekindle or it won't work.

For me, it's to stop being so walled off. So we both have issues but my resentment stems from lack of sex.

I feel robbed frankly. So I understand how you feel OP

So, your wife's feelings and needs do not matter? You have to have sex no matter what? I think you are selfish and despite your therapist being a woman I would have wanted another one that wasn't so biased.

I don't get this. What do you think is supposed to happen when you get married? If I wanted to just be friends, I wouldn't have gotten married. Sex is a big part of what makes marriages or romantic relationships different than platonic ones. Right? That's the definition. So why do you, as a woman, think it's totally ok to quit having sex? Maybe a better question is WHY would you quit having sex? Do you women who have no interest in sex really feel connected to your husbands?

[ZachF]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once a week sex where the man initiates in the norm in marriage. Sure, some people do it more, some do it less. Your situation is normal.

You trade hot sex for love and security and family when you get married. Of course people know the sex cools off when the ring goes on. That's why men have a proverbial bachelor party.

Uh, OK, the woman gets that stuff in trade, but what does the man get?

Huge legal and financial obligations, and no sex. Yay! Who wouldn't sign up for that?

Men who are married are happier and live longer than single men. Married women get the shaft.

NONE of my married men friends are happier than even one of my single men friends. They all complain the same as the married men here that, once married, their sex life nearly, if not completely ended.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I'm "happier" day-to-day being married. But, overall, my life is more satisfying.

Maybe it's like eating junk food and sitting on the couch is more enjoyable at any given moment. But, eating right and exercising makes me more satisfied with life in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain brother. When I'm not having regular sex or if my wife withdraws from the relationship physically I don't feel connected . I feel like roommates except that I'm being robbed from being with someone who wants to have sex with me.

I shutdown when that component is missing from my relationship as I will feel neglected. We've been to therapy about this. Therapist said that's just the way I am, I won't change. I know she's hoping that when I get older the libido will die down a bit. But when that happens then what. I would have felt so neglected and so much resentment that it's not worth it.

I am an active person, very athletic and competitive so I have a high libido. I remember my wife complaining to the therapist about it. Therapist - who was a women - said people like me usually have high libidos. That's not going to change anytime soon. She told my wife you better find a way to rekindle or it won't work.

For me, it's to stop being so walled off. So we both have issues but my resentment stems from lack of sex.

I feel robbed frankly. So I understand how you feel OP

So, your wife's feelings and needs do not matter? You have to have sex no matter what? I think you are selfish and despite your therapist being a woman I would have wanted another one that wasn't so biased.

I don't get this. What do you think is supposed to happen when you get married? If I wanted to just be friends, I wouldn't have gotten married. Sex is a big part of what makes marriages or romantic relationships different than platonic ones. Right? That's the definition. So why do you, as a woman, think it's totally ok to quit having sex? Maybe a better question is WHY would you quit having sex? Do you women who have no interest in sex really feel connected to your husbands?

Some of the reasons are at the beginning of this thread. All women are different and the reasons vary tremendously, from medical issues to abusive spouses. Women need to feel connected emotionally before wanting sex, i.e. the attention, conversations and romance that they had during courtship, and men want sex to feel connected. A lot of men think the courtship is over after the wedding, and drop all the effort. A wife is left wondering what happened to the romantic man she dated, just like the husband wonders why she no longer wants sex. Just like a PP wrote, a woman is like a slow cooker, a man is like a microwave. A man can't treat his wife like she's a microwave. Women are biologically very different men, and so are their needs.

Marriage is an institution created to raise children in a stable and safe home in a civil society, and not an institution created solely to give men sex on demand.

[Anonymous]

^...very different *then* men...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain brother. When I'm not having regular sex or if my wife withdraws from the relationship physically I don't feel connected . I feel like roommates except that I'm being robbed from being with someone who wants to have sex with me.

I shutdown when that component is missing from my relationship as I will feel neglected. We've been to therapy about this. Therapist said that's just the way I am, I won't change. I know she's hoping that when I get older the libido will die down a bit. But when that happens then what. I would have felt so neglected and so much resentment that it's not worth it.

I am an active person, very athletic and competitive so I have a high libido. I remember my wife complaining to the therapist about it. Therapist - who was a women - said people like me usually have high libidos. That's not going to change anytime soon. She told my wife you better find a way to rekindle or it won't work.

For me, it's to stop being so walled off. So we both have issues but my resentment stems from lack of sex.

I feel robbed frankly. So I understand how you feel OP

So, your wife's feelings and needs do not matter? You have to have sex no matter what? I think you are selfish and despite your therapist being a woman I would have wanted another one that wasn't so biased.

I don't get this. What do you think is supposed to happen when you get married? If I wanted to just be friends, I wouldn't have gotten married. Sex is a big part of what makes marriages or romantic relationships different than platonic ones. Right? That's the definition. So why do you, as a woman, think it's totally ok to quit having sex? Maybe a better question is WHY would you quit having sex? Do you women who have no interest in sex really feel connected to your husbands?

Some of the reasons are at the beginning of this thread. All women are different and the reasons vary tremendously, from medical issues to abusive spouses. Women need to feel connected emotionally before wanting sex, i.e. the attention, conversations and romance that they had during courtship, and men want sex to feel connected. A lot of men think the courtship is over after the wedding, and drop all the effort. A wife is left wondering what happened to the romantic man she dated, just like the husband wonders why she no longer wants sex. Just like a PP wrote, a woman is like a slow cooker, a man is like a microwave. A man can't treat his wife like she's a microwave. Women are biologically very different men, and so are their needs.

Marriage is an institution created to raise children in a stable and safe home in a civil society, and not an institution created solely to give men sex on demand.

You're making the assumption that sexless marriages are always driven by some fault of the husband. Probably it is, sometimes, but not always. Maybe not even mostly. Regardless, your posts suggests that you expect men to the same throughout their whole lives, and if they aren't, then they've done something wrong. The tables can be just as easily turned - what happened to the women who put make-up on and nice clothes just get coffee with me? She's been replaced with sweats, a hair scrunchy, and baggy eyes. Such is life, right? Romance like that in the early days of dating is entirely unsustainable. It's not 'bait and switch', it's just the natural course of things. So I reject your assumption that sexless marriages are driven by men who act differently at 45 then they did while dating at 25. Besides, sex later in marriage should become more enmeshed with connection and less with the animal passion of dating. What you're hearing is the vast majority of men saying they *need* that connection, not that they need physical release.