Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness

[Anonymous]

Well instead of looking for solutions, You just want to be right. I find it incredibly hard to believe that with all your activities you can't make friends. The common denominator here is you.

And yes, your husbands hours are not normal and rather suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear about your dilemma, OP. I'm a physician, and my spouse put up with a lot during my residency. Depending on the specialty your DH chose, he may not have any control over the hours he works, especially if he is junior faculty.

It sounds like you may be depressed...it might be an idea to speak with your own physician about the effect this issue is having on you. I'd also sit down with your DH and discuss seriously your feelings, and where to go from here. Maybe it's time for you both to move back to your hometown to be near family, where he could find a perhaps less demanding position.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Can I invite you to a Facebook group? Over 1200 physician wives or physician in training wives strong? I am an administrator there. We are a family of women tied by the common thread of medicine. Stay at home moms, working moms, kids, no kids, younger, middle aged...we all exist here to support each other.

Facebook search: lives of doctors wives

It may not be everything that you need, but you will find support there.

Jennifer

[Anonymous]

this sounds like more than loneliness and more like depression. unfortunately maybe your expectations for what things would be like marrying a physician in a long work hour specialty or what your needs are for attention/affection/love are not realistic in your situation and need to be a)changed or lowered or b)find a new husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well instead of looking for solutions, You just want to be right. I find it incredibly hard to believe that with all your activities you can't make friends. The common denominator here is you.

And yes, your husbands hours are not normal and rather suspicious.

My h-d is in the worst (hours-wise) surgical specialty and such long hours are quite common for docs during and just out of residency/fellowship. I think he will have the ability to set his own hours after a few years of practice - at least, that's what I am hoping. PP, why are you jumping to the 'suspicious' conclusion?

We make it a point to get out of the house for a few hours, every Saturday/Sunday - just a walk or grocery shopping or something. It rejuvenates us and after that we either hang out at the house or he gets back to work, as the case my be. For me personally, this is sufficient to get the marriage going.

But, I do miss having a group of girlfriends, like I used to have in college. If you have been successful in establishing that, do write!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I invite you to a Facebook group? Over 1200 physician wives or physician in training wives strong? I am an administrator there. We are a family of women tied by the common thread of medicine. Stay at home moms, working moms, kids, no kids, younger, middle aged...we all exist here to support each other.

Facebook search: lives of doctors wives

It may not be everything that you need, but you will find support there.

Jennifer

I searched for 'lives of doctors wives' on FB, but could not find the group. My h-d is doing his fellowship and I would love to join this group. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Help someone mess.fortunate than you. It isn't hard to find than and you can make a significant difference in their lives as well as your own.

[Anonymous]

This is a very old thread, but I am interested in responding as well. I'm also a physicians wife as well as a physician. My specialty has hours that are a breeze compared to DH. Plus after planning for our second child, I switched to part time and only work two-three days a week. It's bliss! But I do miss DH A LOT! It seems like every weekend he is on call. Dh got us a hotel room once that was right across the hospital so we could visit him, meet for lunch, do something different. Anywho, that said I would love to meet other mom or dads in the area whose spouses have similar hours. We are on NE DC and have no family on this coast.

[Anonymous]

OP, any update? How are you doing now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, any update? How are you doing now?

OP here. I was surpised to see new posts to this thread. Anyhow, nothing new to report. Nothing has changed re: the loneliness. I haven't been able to make any new friends despite my best efforts, though I do enjoy socializing with colleagues at work (I work full-time). This year I have been volunteering once a week at one non-profit, and twice a month at another non-profit, which has been nice. Getting through the lonely nights and weekends is hard, though. I have made two friends in the area, who are great, but aren't available to do things every time I would like company.

But I have found a new coping mechanism: cleaning. I spend my lonely nights and weekends cleaning the house, it is relaxing for me and makes me feel like I have something satisfying to do. I cleaned all weekend and it helped somewhat with all the loneliness.

[Anonymous]

How about a divorce or an affair???????????????

[Anonymous]

OP - glad things are a little better. It sounds like you are very busy. Yet you are still lonely. What is it you are truely looking for?Perhpas your expectations are a little too high. It is often more difficult to have new friendships evolve as an adult. In college we spend a LOT of time with our friends. As adults (esp with work and kids) not so much. It takes time for the relationships to evolve into the close friendships of our past and they (adult friendships) will also have more competing priorities in most women's (and men's) lives.

DH is an MD but other than his training it has not been difficult for us. Most bothersome is the constant phone calls at all hours of the day or night 0 very distracting but part of the job. My lack of friend time is a result of new to the area and little time to spend on 'my' issues thus far with work (almost as many hours as DH) and small children. I truely don't need to see DH any more - but miss the connection with close girlfriends.

This last year, I decided to make 'me' more a priority and developing more/better friendships were a big part of that goal. Newer friendships are developing, though slowly. Two long time friends have moved back into the area over the year. One is a SAHM and the other married w/o kids. Even with these long, established friendships it is really tough for us to get together!

I think the most important lesson though is to love yourself AND be a good companion with yourself. You need to find something in your solo time (without DH or close friends) to enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - glad things are a little better. It sounds like you are very busy. Yet you are still lonely. What is it you are truely looking for?Perhpas your expectations are a little too high. It is often more difficult to have new friendships evolve as an adult. In college we spend a LOT of time with our friends. As adults (esp with work and kids) not so much. It takes time for the relationships to evolve into the close friendships of our past and they (adult friendships) will also have more competing priorities in most women's (and men's) lives.

DH is an MD but other than his training it has not been difficult for us. Most bothersome is the constant phone calls at all hours of the day or night 0 very distracting but part of the job. My lack of friend time is a result of new to the area and little time to spend on 'my' issues thus far with work (almost as many hours as DH) and small children. I truely don't need to see DH any more - but miss the connection with close girlfriends.

This last year, I decided to make 'me' more a priority and developing more/better friendships were a big part of that goal. Newer friendships are developing, though slowly. Two long time friends have moved back into the area over the year. One is a SAHM and the other married w/o kids. Even with these long, established friendships it is really tough for us to get together!

I think the most important lesson though is to love yourself AND be a good companion with yourself. You need to find something in your solo time (without DH or close friends) to enjoy.

OP here. Thanks for your post. I'm really not busy. I do work full-time, do all the household chores, volunteer regularly and am in a few other activities but I don't feel busy at all. I would feel busy if I had regular plans with friends after work occasionally and on weekends. I probably should find a few more things to keep myself occupied during the lonely times. There's a thought that runs through my head multiple times a day: "No one cares about me." I tend to obsess about my lack of a social life and feelings of not belonging. I just feel very isolated here with no family anywhere in the area and no sense of community. I have several acquaintances, and I'm very friendly with people at work, though I have never gotten together with them outside the office. My co-workers are wonderful, and I enjoy chatting with them at the office, but I don't want to be the one to initiate a get together outside of work, and no one has taken the initiative, so I think we're just work friends and leaving it at that.

What would really make the difference for me is having family in the area--even a cousin or something, but that will never happen. My family lives on the West Coast, I only see them once a year, and they have no interest in moving. So the other thing that would really make the difference for me is having 4 or 5 good friends who I could call or email when I feel lonely, and hang out with once or twice a month. I do have the two good friends who I see maybe once a month or once every 6 weeks, but just having 2 friends to get together with isn't enough when your spouse works so much. I understand that they can't hang out with me every weekend, so that's why I need more friends to do things with. However, like you said, making good friends is difficult when you're an adult. Most people I meet out here in the 'burbs grew up here or went to school here, and already have their family and social networks in the area, and aren't actively looking to make friends. That's the case with all of my work colleagues--out of everyone in the office, I'm the only person who is from out of state with no connections to the area--everyone else grew up here or went to school here. It's hard to find people who are actively looking to make new friends. I don't really know where to find these people. When I volunteer or go to an adult ed class, people seem to be interested in the activity and not necessarily there to socialize or meet new people. I suppose if I keep going to tons of different groups eventually I would find someone who is looking to make new friends.

So maybe my expectations of hoping to make 4-5 good friends here are too high. But most people aren't in the situation of moving to a new place where they have neither friends nor family, have a spouse who works very long hours, and having to create their entire social life from scratch.

[Anonymous]

Hello OP, I have to say you are not alone. I find the DC area very hard to meet new friends. Maybe that could be the case anywhere in the US, but especially hard in DC. Before having my kids I worked full time and had maybe one or two friends. Everyone is so busy and also we were geographically spread out (someone in NoVA to my DC) and it was just hard to get together because with traffic it would take us an hour or so to get to each other's houses. It got so much easier to meet new friends once kids came because I met so many other moms out and about. Not saying you should have a baby just to meet people, but that may be the natural progression of your life and therefore it will get easier for you. I am not sure if you are depressed (I didn't read all of your posts) but if this is a low grade depression that could potential "negative feelings" or "dwelling on negative feelings".

Just take life by the horns and live your life. Be happy and do what you would love to do in life and then you will meet other people. Seriously, have you also tried a "MeetUp" group? google meetup and you can join and then find other people who share your interests. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about your feelings. If he cannot or will not change his hours then you'll have to decide if you want to stay in such a lonely marriage.

While having more friends may help your loneliness temporarily, as your friends start to marry and have families, the more responsibilities they will have with little to no time for friends at least in the younger years. They aren't going to be able to fill your emotional needs.