Feeling resentful after sacrificing for my DH’s career—how to restore balance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

This^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

This^^^

I'm not sure what this has to do with anything. Plus, OP says she still works, so....?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who makes a lot more than my wife.

There is no reason in the world he cannot work from home on Friday and you still have your event. Even in an apartment- you seem seriously unhinged.

You are a guy who lacks imagination. Say it was a meetup for ten moms of little kids with ADHD. You can't work from home out of an apartment in that situation.

Its so fundamentally disrespectful of you OP that he is suggesting you change your event to suit his whims, when he knows it was your only condition to the job switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who makes a lot more than my wife.

There is no reason in the world he cannot work from home on Friday and you still have your event. Even in an apartment- you seem seriously unhinged.

I’m guessing that there are multiple small children.

Isn't that what headphones are for?

+1000 buy him some Bose noise canceling headphones

[Anonymous]

And with that update, I am firmly Team OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have to give more info because people assume it has to do with childcare or that I’m some other poster who posted above moving. That’s not me and this has nothing to do with childcare.

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me.

Hoo boy. He should go to the office for sure. Yeah -- that's bad. Breadwinner DH would never do that to me.

I'm sorry.

He can either negotiate a Thursday WFH option, a later start time to his work day so he WFH once your event is over, or go into the office and come home at lunch. In particular on your side is that you specifically negotiated this in advance and now he's trying to retrade.

That said, don't lose the forest for the trees here. If the marriage is otherwise good... think about what sort of empathetic psychology you can use to get him to the solution. Sometimes it takes a little bit of time for a spouse to come around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who makes a lot more than my wife.

There is no reason in the world he cannot work from home on Friday and you still have your event. Even in an apartment- you seem seriously unhinged.

You are a guy who lacks imagination. Say it was a meetup for ten moms of little kids with ADHD. You can't work from home out of an apartment in that situation.

Its so fundamentally disrespectful of you OP that he is suggesting you change your event to suit his whims, when he knows it was your only condition to the job switch.

Interesting comment, because we had a very similar situation in our marriage. I had a bi monthly meetup for moms with other dc with SN and their siblings, at our house. DH wanted to WFH that day and suggested we regularly meet up at the park or starbucks instead.

The whole reason the meetup worked for the moms to actually socialize was because the kids -some runners--were safely contained behind locked doors at our house! The kicker was he had refused for years to take our dc to the park solo because he was difficult to manage there! Friends, I lost my sh!t during this convo.

[Anonymous]

He’s being an ass. Stand your ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have to give more info because people assume it has to do with childcare or that I’m some other poster who posted above moving. That’s not me and this has nothing to do with childcare.

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me.

I cannot believe you are so upset about this. Move the day. Good grief.

He’s the one being ridiculous. How does anyone know that the people who attend would even be available other days. I would be.

He can easily work elsewhere for a little while on Fridays. This was not something he wasn’t aware of. Just because he can work remotely on Fridays doesn’t mean he has to. He’s trying to pull rank because his salary is higher.

[Anonymous]

You are a team. Sometimes one of you has more glory, dinners out, recognition and one of you has more diapers, dishes, drudgery for work, but you are working for the same goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

This^^^

What a weird post. Why are you trying to shoe-horn your misogynistic anti-SAHM screed into OP's post. OP says she works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a team. Sometimes one of you has more glory, dinners out, recognition and one of you has more diapers, dishes, drudgery for work, but you are working for the same goal.

Exactly. And their "team" mutually agreed that OP's Friday morning event should be prioritized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who makes a lot more than my wife.

There is no reason in the world he cannot work from home on Friday and you still have your event. Even in an apartment- you seem seriously unhinged.

You are a guy who lacks imagination. Say it was a meetup for ten moms of little kids with ADHD. You can't work from home out of an apartment in that situation.

Its so fundamentally disrespectful of you OP that he is suggesting you change your event to suit his whims, when he knows it was your only condition to the job switch.

Interesting comment, because we had a very similar situation in our marriage. I had a bi monthly meetup for moms with other dc with SN and their siblings, at our house. DH wanted to WFH that day and suggested we regularly meet up at the park or starbucks instead.

The whole reason the meetup worked for the moms to actually socialize was because the kids -some runners--were safely contained behind locked doors at our house! The kicker was he had refused for years to take our dc to the park solo because he was difficult to manage there! Friends, I lost my sh!t during this convo.

HA HA HA. Of course. Great suggestion to take ten runners with autism to the local park so the moms can "relax" but the suggesting DH can't even handle his own kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

This^^^

What a weird post. Why are you trying to shoe-horn your misogynistic anti-SAHM screed into OP's post. OP says she works.

DP. I don’t recall seeing where OP said she worked. But you understand that this post is about hosting a weekly meet up in your home every single Friday during morning working hours, right? Weird to mention her work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

This^^^

What a weird post. Why are you trying to shoe-horn your misogynistic anti-SAHM screed into OP's post. OP says she works.

DP. I don’t recall seeing where OP said she worked. But you understand that this post is about hosting a weekly meet up in your home every single Friday during morning working hours, right? Weird to mention her work.

Work on your ADHD - she said that in the first post