Child is severely left out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. It sucks. The exact same thing happened to my DD and I never spoke to the other girl’s mother again (we had been friends as well). I actually disagree with the advice above about not maligning this girl. Our DD knows very well what we think of kids who do this and we are not reserved about expressing it. We talk about the importance of avoiding a-holes and finding friends who are nice, and we model that behavior. It helps give her confidence.

How do you know this "avoiding a-holes" as you call it, isn't what's happening to this daughter?

OP said the daughter had asked if the other girl had a problem with her. Even if the daughter did do something, ignoring her and leaving her out with no explanation really hurts… the other girl said she did NOT have any problem, so she’s being a real b by still leaving her out.

Exactly! Op, your daughter is doing the mature thing. The other girl is being crazy immature. Don’t worry, your daughter will find new friends. (Don’t expect things to get better soon though)

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. It sucks. The exact same thing happened to my DD and I never spoke to the other girl’s mother again (we had been friends as well). I actually disagree with the advice above about not maligning this girl. Our DD knows very well what we think of kids who do this and we are not reserved about expressing it. We talk about the importance of avoiding a-holes and finding friends who are nice, and we model that behavior. It helps give her confidence.

How do you know this "avoiding a-holes" as you call it, isn't what's happening to this daughter?

OP said the daughter had asked if the other girl had a problem with her. Even if the daughter did do something, ignoring her and leaving her out with no explanation really hurts… the other girl said she did NOT have any problem, so she’s being a real b by still leaving her out.

Exactly! Op, your daughter is doing the mature thing. The other girl is being crazy immature. Don’t worry, your daughter will find new friends. (Don’t expect things to get better soon though)

Sorry, full disagree. Your daughter may have been mature in asking. If the girl is interested in a friendship, she could be mature and be honest. If she’s not, why would she spend time having that conversation with your DD? Not even adults do that well with people they don’t want to continue friendships with. It’s not ideal, but it feels very awkward to directly hurt someone’s feelings like that. I’m not excusing the behavior. I’m just saying, if the girl doesn’t want to be friends, then this is the answer 90% of even adults would give. The rest of it, being rude, etc etc is not ok. Your daughter needs to branch out widely and make new friends.

Hence why this post was probably made… OP wanted to know how to help her daughter get through this. It’s obvious the other girl does not want to be friends with OP’s daughter, and that can have a hard effect on someone especially when they have been friends since elementary and suddenly are getting left out with no explanation whatsoever. I don’t think some of these people get that this post was made to help OP’s daughter get through this hard time, and not to forcefully make the other girl friends with OP’s daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello all,
My kid is in the 8th grade, and she has been doing pretty good until now. One of her friends started randomly excluding her, and making sure she knows that she’s being excluded. Aside with other small problems, this has taken a toll on my daughter’s mental health, and grades. I know middle school friends are hard, but is there any way that I could help her with this? Anything I could say to make her feel better?

I agree with PP 100%. [b] This post was clearly made to help OP’s daughter not feel as badly about herself. These people saying “the other girl owes your daughter nothing” are talking nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. It sucks. The exact same thing happened to my DD and I never spoke to the other girl’s mother again (we had been friends as well). I actually disagree with the advice above about not maligning this girl. Our DD knows very well what we think of kids who do this and we are not reserved about expressing it. We talk about the importance of avoiding a-holes and finding friends who are nice, and we model that behavior. It helps give her confidence.

How do you know this "avoiding a-holes" as you call it, isn't what's happening to this daughter?

OP said the daughter had asked if the other girl had a problem with her. Even if the daughter did do something, ignoring her and leaving her out with no explanation really hurts… the other girl said she did NOT have any problem, so she’s being a real b by still leaving her out.

Exactly! Op, your daughter is doing the mature thing. The other girl is being crazy immature. Don’t worry, your daughter will find new friends. (Don’t expect things to get better soon though)

Sorry, full disagree. Your daughter may have been mature in asking. If the girl is interested in a friendship, she could be mature and be honest. If she’s not, why would she spend time having that conversation with your DD? Not even adults do that well with people they don’t want to continue friendships with. It’s not ideal, but it feels very awkward to directly hurt someone’s feelings like that. I’m not excusing the behavior. I’m just saying, if the girl doesn’t want to be friends, then this is the answer 90% of even adults would give. The rest of it, being rude, etc etc is not ok. Your daughter needs to branch out widely and make new friends.

Hence why this post was probably made… OP wanted to know how to help her daughter get through this. It’s obvious the other girl does not want to be friends with OP’s daughter, and that can have a hard effect on someone especially when they have been friends since elementary and suddenly are getting left out with no explanation whatsoever. I don’t think some of these people get that this post was made to help OP’s daughter get through this hard time, and not to forcefully make the other girl friends with OP’s daughter.

The solution is branch out and make new friends or find new interests. Nothing else will make her feel better because I’m sure it hurts a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. It sucks. The exact same thing happened to my DD and I never spoke to the other girl’s mother again (we had been friends as well). I actually disagree with the advice above about not maligning this girl. Our DD knows very well what we think of kids who do this and we are not reserved about expressing it. We talk about the importance of avoiding a-holes and finding friends who are nice, and we model that behavior. It helps give her confidence.

How do you know this "avoiding a-holes" as you call it, isn't what's happening to this daughter?

OP said the daughter had asked if the other girl had a problem with her. Even if the daughter did do something, ignoring her and leaving her out with no explanation really hurts… the other girl said she did NOT have any problem, so she’s being a real b by still leaving her out.

Exactly! Op, your daughter is doing the mature thing. The other girl is being crazy immature. Don’t worry, your daughter will find new friends. (Don’t expect things to get better soon though)

Sorry, full disagree. Your daughter may have been mature in asking. If the girl is interested in a friendship, she could be mature and be honest. If she’s not, why would she spend time having that conversation with your DD? Not even adults do that well with people they don’t want to continue friendships with. It’s not ideal, but it feels very awkward to directly hurt someone’s feelings like that. I’m not excusing the behavior. I’m just saying, if the girl doesn’t want to be friends, then this is the answer 90% of even adults would give. The rest of it, being rude, etc etc is not ok. Your daughter needs to branch out widely and make new friends.

Hence why this post was probably made… OP wanted to know how to help her daughter get through this. It’s obvious the other girl does not want to be friends with OP’s daughter, and that can have a hard effect on someone especially when they have been friends since elementary and suddenly are getting left out with no explanation whatsoever. I don’t think some of these people get that this post was made to help OP’s daughter get through this hard time, and not to forcefully make the other girl friends with OP’s daughter.

The solution is branch out and make new friends or find new interests. Nothing else will make her feel better because I’m sure it hurts a lot.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is be proactive about supporting new friendships. Drive DD and friend of her choice to a fun activity, host hangouts etc.

The friend who has been excluding her got the rest of my DD’s friends on her side. It used to be only 1 person, but it seems the whole group is now excluding her. They make it very obvious as well.

Your certainty that you have a full picture of what is going on is naive. You are hearing one version from a biased participant. No one is entitled to be invited to everything in an undefined group of friends. Friends evolve over time and perhaps some reflection about why your daughter isn't getting invited is in order.

Op’s daughter asked if the other girl had a problem with her. The daughter said no, and continued to exclude Op’s daughter with no explanation. And stop with “no one is entitled to be invited to everything” This is a friend group for gosh sake! Op said this has been a friend group since elementary school. Would you not feel horrible if a group of friends suddenly left you out knowingly after years of close friendship?

I really feel otherwise here. It seems clear her daughter has been traumatized by this. And the other girl is the one who was the aggressor here. Can’t you see how OP’s daughter has been bullied here?

Definitely get the school involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is be proactive about supporting new friendships. Drive DD and friend of her choice to a fun activity, host hangouts etc.

The friend who has been excluding her got the rest of my DD’s friends on her side. It used to be only 1 person, but it seems the whole group is now excluding her. They make it very obvious as well.

Your certainty that you have a full picture of what is going on is naive. You are hearing one version from a biased participant. No one is entitled to be invited to everything in an undefined group of friends. Friends evolve over time and perhaps some reflection about why your daughter isn't getting invited is in order.

Op’s daughter asked if the other girl had a problem with her. The daughter said no, and continued to exclude Op’s daughter with no explanation. And stop with “no one is entitled to be invited to everything” This is a friend group for gosh sake! Op said this has been a friend group since elementary school. Would you not feel horrible if a group of friends suddenly left you out knowingly after years of close friendship?

I really feel otherwise here. It seems clear her daughter has been traumatized by this. And the other girl is the one who was the aggressor here. Can’t you see how OP’s daughter has been bullied here?

Definitely get the school involved.

To complain about what? That the other girls didn’t invite her to the movie with the group? Stop with the “aggressor” nonsense. The OPs daughter was not bullied, she simply does not fit with that group of friends for whatever reasons, likely from both sides.

OPs daughter should move on and find new activities and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is be proactive about supporting new friendships. Drive DD and friend of her choice to a fun activity, host hangouts etc.

The friend who has been excluding her got the rest of my DD’s friends on her side. It used to be only 1 person, but it seems the whole group is now excluding her. They make it very obvious as well.

Your certainty that you have a full picture of what is going on is naive. You are hearing one version from a biased participant. No one is entitled to be invited to everything in an undefined group of friends. Friends evolve over time and perhaps some reflection about why your daughter isn't getting invited is in order.

Op’s daughter asked if the other girl had a problem with her. The daughter said no, and continued to exclude Op’s daughter with no explanation. And stop with “no one is entitled to be invited to everything” This is a friend group for gosh sake! Op said this has been a friend group since elementary school. Would you not feel horrible if a group of friends suddenly left you out knowingly after years of close friendship?

I really feel otherwise here. It seems clear her daughter has been traumatized by this. And the other girl is the one who was the aggressor here. Can’t you see how OP’s daughter has been bullied here?

Definitely get the school involved.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is be proactive about supporting new friendships. Drive DD and friend of her choice to a fun activity, host hangouts etc.

The friend who has been excluding her got the rest of my DD’s friends on her side. It used to be only 1 person, but it seems the whole group is now excluding her. They make it very obvious as well.

Your certainty that you have a full picture of what is going on is naive. You are hearing one version from a biased participant. No one is entitled to be invited to everything in an undefined group of friends. Friends evolve over time and perhaps some reflection about why your daughter isn't getting invited is in order.

Op’s daughter asked if the other girl had a problem with her. The daughter said no, and continued to exclude Op’s daughter with no explanation. And stop with “no one is entitled to be invited to everything” This is a friend group for gosh sake! Op said this has been a friend group since elementary school. Would you not feel horrible if a group of friends suddenly left you out knowingly after years of close friendship?

I really feel otherwise here. It seems clear her daughter has been traumatized by this. And the other girl is the one who was the aggressor here. Can’t you see how OP’s daughter has been bullied here?

Definitely get the school involved.

To complain about what? That the other girls didn’t invite her to the movie with the group? Stop with the “aggressor” nonsense. The OPs daughter was not bullied, she simply does not fit with that group of friends for whatever reasons, likely from both sides.

OPs daughter should move on and find new activities and friends.

Come on now. The ostentatious movie invite for everyone but one in the group is text book relational aggression/bullying.

But otherwise I agree. OP's daughter needs to ditch these losers and there is nothing the school can or will do because it's not physical or identity based aggression.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the others that this is classic bullying behavior. But don’t discount the schools ability to help here!

Have you tried to maybe reach out to the guidance counselor? Could you maybe ask them to arrange a restorative justice intervention here ? (I know they’re trained and equipped for this).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others that this is classic bullying behavior. But don’t discount the schools ability to help here!

Have you tried to maybe reach out to the guidance counselor? Could you maybe ask them to arrange a restorative justice intervention here ? (I know they’re trained and equipped for this).

OP here: I was going to talk to the counselor, but DD is worried that everyone would “hate her” for telling on them, and people would spread rumors. (This happened to another girl at the school last year, DD didn’t know her, but she ended up leaving and transferring out because it got really bad after telling the counselor.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others that this is classic bullying behavior. But don’t discount the schools ability to help here!

Have you tried to maybe reach out to the guidance counselor? Could you maybe ask them to arrange a restorative justice intervention here ? (I know they’re trained and equipped for this).

OP here: I was going to talk to the counselor, but DD is worried that everyone would “hate her” for telling on them, and people would spread rumors. (This happened to another girl at the school last year, DD didn’t know her, but she ended up leaving and transferring out because it got really bad after telling the counselor.)

That’s tough, op. Hope things get better…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others that this is classic bullying behavior. But don’t discount the schools ability to help here!

Have you tried to maybe reach out to the guidance counselor? Could you maybe ask them to arrange a restorative justice intervention here ? (I know they’re trained and equipped for this).

OP here: I was going to talk to the counselor, but DD is worried that everyone would “hate her” for telling on them, and people would spread rumors. (This happened to another girl at the school last year, DD didn’t know her, but she ended up leaving and transferring out because it got really bad after telling the counselor.)

She's probably right. Counselors aren't equipped to handle situations like this because it's too nebulous and too prone to false rumors being spread. Nobody is ever going to want to admit that they were a jerk and without a clear cut rule violation there is nothing the school can do.

[Anonymous]

Something that helped us what recruiting a team of 20 something girls into my DD's life just about that time, an older cousin, my cool god-daughter, a former assistant coach.....it changed everything....they would go out for coffee or nails and not directly talk about it, but I would hear my DD's perspective change from these visits (which then also led to increased texts and communications)....my DD's perspective changed in that she would talk about who among her peers would "snap out of it" be their 20's and who might not.....make comments llike "hey, you sure don't want to peak in high school" and then laugh....got her thinking about and talking about the future, and it helped us survive those unbelievably mean girl moments. If I could do it again I would not have reacted so much, and I would have encouraged her to throw a punch.....yep, it had gotten to that point....hang in there.....it passes, but it is really hard....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The quiet part no one says is that all the “popular” kids are first and foremost worried about themselves and maintaining their own status. They only keep “friends” that they feel in the moment can aid that status. They are not true or loyal friends because they will drop you the moment you are no longer useful, or worse, a detriment to them.

It isn’t that all the popular kids are worried, it is that the most popular and well like in the popular group are really confident and the outer core of popular girls are constantly worried.

OP’s daughter is on the periphery and chances are she has not been so nice to as OP calls them the “weird” kids. The way she has maintained her status is to exclude others so going to the school counselor is pointless because the counselor understands the dynamics and will say broaden your friendships.