A travel question that is much more a family relations question

[Anonymous]

If my sibling moved to a country I did not care to visit I would still go to visit them at least once. I would want to understand their new life, be able to picture them at the coffee shop they always talk about, see their home, get a sense of the culture. I would consider that time as well spent as time checking something off my bucket list.

If I was not into travel, I might only go once. If I traveled internationally at least 1-2 times a year, I’d try to visit every 5 years or so so long as my health held up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be vague and make it sound like you will while not committing.

People get really upset when you flat out say no.


Just let it play out.

OP here. I agree with this and wonder if I should have been more vague with my sister. But she literally told me that she expects us to visit right away so I thought at the time that it would be better to get ahead of things by saying that we probably would not. I may have played that wrong and should have been more vague. And yes, while I admit I can be very rigid in my thought processes, my sister is the type that if you do not state your position right away, she decides in her mind how something should be and will not later bend from it. Has been like that since we were young.

Yes, you played that wrong. It is to reply to her question "when are you coming" with "Never!". You just say that you have plans to go to X and Y first, but it is definitely on the list, and you will see when you can fit it in.

In any case, there is no country that I would refuse to visit once, especially if a close friend/sibling was there.

The country is Israel

So antisemitism makes it ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. Would the PP responses change if I add that my not visiting would absolutely damage my relationship with my sister? She would never understand and would take it personally.

Just say on repeat and lob back any guilting that you just wish she hadn’t moved away. Why don’t you visit? I just wish so much you hadn’t moved away. You could visit? Why don’t you visit? I just wish you haven’t moved away….. repeat.

[Anonymous]

You’re being a stubborn jerk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. Would the PP responses change if I add that my not visiting would absolutely damage my relationship with my sister? She would never understand and would take it personally.

Just say on repeat and lob back any guilting that you just wish she hadn’t moved away. Why don’t you visit? I just wish so much you hadn’t moved away. You could visit? Why don’t you visit? I just wish you haven’t moved away….. repeat.

This x1000. I really don’t understand why you allow your sister to dictate the terms of your relationship. If you don’t do what I want by giving up your own travel or following me then our relationship is damaged is not a sister who values the relationship in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Could you meet them somewhere instead? We currently live abroad for DH's job in a very safe, and IMO interesting, country but somewhere that is not on typical Americans "bucket lists" and I will say it kind of hurts that no one in our families makes an effort to visit us or meet up in between. We don't demand visits, but have made it clear that we are open to visitors or meeting them somewhere. They're simply not interested in seeing us unless we journey back to them, which we have once, but probably won't again. I'm tired of being the only ones who allocate our money and leave to visit family. FWIW it was like that when we were in DC too, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

[Anonymous]

So, they are talking about getting a place somewhere 12 hours away? They don't have it yet. They are retiring and asked that you visit them at the place they have not yet bought. And you are worried about not wanting to visit them in a place far away that they don't even have, sometimes in the future? Are you now posting about a hypothetical future trip you do not want to take?
I just don't understand people like you and your sister, a waste of conversation and anguish over nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. Would the PP responses change if I add that my not visiting would absolutely damage my relationship with my sister? She would never understand and would take it personally.

Just say on repeat and lob back any guilting that you just wish she hadn’t moved away. Why don’t you visit? I just wish so much you hadn’t moved away. You could visit? Why don’t you visit? I just wish you haven’t moved away….. repeat.

This x1000. I really don’t understand why you allow your sister to dictate the terms of your relationship. If you don’t do what I want by giving up your own travel or following me then our relationship is damaged is not a sister who values the relationship in the first place.

Seems fairly common to let a family member dictate, given all the responses telling OP to keep doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, they are talking about getting a place somewhere 12 hours away? They don't have it yet. They are retiring and asked that you visit them at the place they have not yet bought. And you are worried about not wanting to visit them in a place far away that they don't even have, sometimes in the future? Are you now posting about a hypothetical future trip you do not want to take?
I just don't understand people like you and your sister, a waste of conversation and anguish over nothing.

Yeah I don't get this either....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you meet them somewhere instead? We currently live abroad for DH's job in a very safe, and IMO interesting, country but somewhere that is not on typical Americans "bucket lists" and I will say it kind of hurts that no one in our families makes an effort to visit us or meet up in between. We don't demand visits, but have made it clear that we are open to visitors or meeting them somewhere. They're simply not interested in seeing us unless we journey back to them, which we have once, but probably won't again. I'm tired of being the only ones who allocate our money and leave to visit family. FWIW it was like that when we were in DC too, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Prior to your move, how often did you travel long distances to see family/friends? I know a lot of people who are “hurt” no one visits them abroad and none of those people made an effort when they were living domestically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you decline to visit a beloved family member in their new home because you would rather spend the time going somewhere more interesting, you’re going to damage the relationship. You just are. Sure, if you can’t afford it, or you would be arrested entering the country, or it would lose your security clearance, or it would be a disaster with your million tiny children, fine. But if it’s just that you want to go somewhere else instead, your family member will think you just don’t care very much about them. And they would be right.

They’re the one who moved thousands of miles away. Now who’s the uncaring one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my sibling moved to a country I did not care to visit I would still go to visit them at least once. I would want to understand their new life, be able to picture them at the coffee shop they always talk about, see their home, get a sense of the culture. I would consider that time as well spent as time checking something off my bucket list.

If I was not into travel, I might only go once. If I traveled internationally at least 1-2 times a year, I’d try to visit every 5 years or so so long as my health held up.

+1. I took a trip I couldn’t really afford to see what a sibling’s life was like abroad. It’s too far and expensive to go regularly but I will definitely go at least once more.

[Anonymous]

I am originally from a very controversial country but I have family that do not support it's government but for various reasons cannot emigrate. I still love and support my family. You can distinguish between family and the government. How far you take it is up to you, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am originally from a very controversial country but I have family that do not support it's government but for various reasons cannot emigrate. I still love and support my family. You can distinguish between family and the government. How far you take it is up to you, of course.

This is fine as long as it works for everybody expected to travel. If anyone in the travel party would be treated poorly upon arrival, or during their time there, it’s not reasonable to expect them to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am originally from a very controversial country but I have family that do not support it's government but for various reasons cannot emigrate. I still love and support my family. You can distinguish between family and the government. How far you take it is up to you, of course.

This is fine as long as it works for everybody expected to travel. If anyone in the travel party would be treated poorly upon arrival, or during their time there, it’s not reasonable to expect them to visit.

That's fair enough. I wouldn't expect anyone to put themselves in danger or to subject themselves to bad treatment. But for what it's worth, if you read the State Department warnings for that country, it looks quite unsafe. It really isn't.