Why old people are NOT like babies:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an older person this thread is horrifying. Guess what - we’re all dying, and everyone’s best years are behind them. So what? Older people still have perspectives and wisdom to offer, if only people didn’t write us off immediately.

No one is saying that.
My mom is 88. It has been a slow decline over the last 8 years. The last year it has ramped up.
She has been on oxygen for 10+ years. But with dementia, she forgets things about it. She has an in home oxygen concentrator and a portable on. There is no “refilling” it, but this week she was screaming at me that it needed to be refilled and I was trying to kill her by not refilling it.
Last week she was screaming at me because she could not understand what I was saying.
The week before she was screaming at me because she couldn’t figure out her phone.
She is in a tiny transitional apartment unit that provides all meals. And over the last month she has ordered $her 750 of junk from Amazon - more pots and pans, more plates and cups, more spoons and forks. A bug butcher block knife set.
She stopped caring for herself - throws trash on the floor, lays on the floor crying and screaming.
I try to reframe it like she’s a toddler and give compassion. But I am burned out and don’t enjoy being screamed at.
This is the part of elder care we are referring to. There is no more advice and wisdom they can give once they have reverted to toddlers.

I would disable Amazon (delete her card?) and rethink visitation. She is fed and has a place to live, don’t subject yourself to screaming

Or she could be sympathetic and understand that decline is terrifying and also sometimes includes screaming, not voluntarily but because it's part of the disease of dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an older person this thread is horrifying. Guess what - we’re all dying, and everyone’s best years are behind them. So what? Older people still have perspectives and wisdom to offer, if only people didn’t write us off immediately.

No one is saying that.
My mom is 88. It has been a slow decline over the last 8 years. The last year it has ramped up.
She has been on oxygen for 10+ years. But with dementia, she forgets things about it. She has an in home oxygen concentrator and a portable on. There is no “refilling” it, but this week she was screaming at me that it needed to be refilled and I was trying to kill her by not refilling it.
Last week she was screaming at me because she could not understand what I was saying.
The week before she was screaming at me because she couldn’t figure out her phone.
She is in a tiny transitional apartment unit that provides all meals. And over the last month she has ordered $her 750 of junk from Amazon - more pots and pans, more plates and cups, more spoons and forks. A bug butcher block knife set.
She stopped caring for herself - throws trash on the floor, lays on the floor crying and screaming.
I try to reframe it like she’s a toddler and give compassion. But I am burned out and don’t enjoy being screamed at.
This is the part of elder care we are referring to. There is no more advice and wisdom they can give once they have reverted to toddlers.

I would disable Amazon (delete her card?) and rethink visitation. She is fed and has a place to live, don’t subject yourself to screaming

Or she could be sympathetic and understand that decline is terrifying and also sometimes includes screaming, not voluntarily but because it's part of the disease of dementia.

Why would someone who’s lived a full life need sympathy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are going to think this is morbid but after watching and caring for many of our loved ones as they age, DH and I plan to do assisted suicide.

Our perspective could change, of course, but we’re pretty clear eyed about not wanting to live out the end of our lives the way our loved ones have. IMO, medical science has gotten too good at keeping our bodies alive well past the point that they should.

Reading about Daniel Kahneman’s choice to end his life when he did was inspirational to me and I think more people will choose this way after watching our parents and grandparents suffer for years.

I completely agree. Watching my mom is painful. I never want to live like she is now.

The problem is you have to do assisted suicide when you're healthy and sound mind. A friend's mom killed herself for this very reason and my friend and siblings had to beg her not to kill herself. It was stressful for them and they were angry she did it when she hadn't seen her grandkids married, etc.

Even The Morning Show dealt with aging suicide this season and the character hated his mother and was still devastated and effed up from the decision. Therefore, it seems common enough that this isn't the panacea people believe it to be.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an older person this thread is horrifying. Guess what - we’re all dying, and everyone’s best years are behind them. So what? Older people still have perspectives and wisdom to offer, if only people didn’t write us off immediately.

No one is saying that.
My mom is 88. It has been a slow decline over the last 8 years. The last year it has ramped up.
She has been on oxygen for 10+ years. But with dementia, she forgets things about it. She has an in home oxygen concentrator and a portable on. There is no “refilling” it, but this week she was screaming at me that it needed to be refilled and I was trying to kill her by not refilling it.
Last week she was screaming at me because she could not understand what I was saying.
The week before she was screaming at me because she couldn’t figure out her phone.
She is in a tiny transitional apartment unit that provides all meals. And over the last month she has ordered $her 750 of junk from Amazon - more pots and pans, more plates and cups, more spoons and forks. A bug butcher block knife set.
She stopped caring for herself - throws trash on the floor, lays on the floor crying and screaming.
I try to reframe it like she’s a toddler and give compassion. But I am burned out and don’t enjoy being screamed at.
This is the part of elder care we are referring to. There is no more advice and wisdom they can give once they have reverted to toddlers.

I would disable Amazon (delete her card?) and rethink visitation. She is fed and has a place to live, don’t subject yourself to screaming

Or she could be sympathetic and understand that decline is terrifying and also sometimes includes screaming, not voluntarily but because it's part of the disease of dementia.

How would her being there help though? She can scream on her own

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an older person this thread is horrifying. Guess what - we’re all dying, and everyone’s best years are behind them. So what? Older people still have perspectives and wisdom to offer, if only people didn’t write us off immediately.

No one is saying that.
My mom is 88. It has been a slow decline over the last 8 years. The last year it has ramped up.
She has been on oxygen for 10+ years. But with dementia, she forgets things about it. She has an in home oxygen concentrator and a portable on. There is no “refilling” it, but this week she was screaming at me that it needed to be refilled and I was trying to kill her by not refilling it.
Last week she was screaming at me because she could not understand what I was saying.
The week before she was screaming at me because she couldn’t figure out her phone.
She is in a tiny transitional apartment unit that provides all meals. And over the last month she has ordered $her 750 of junk from Amazon - more pots and pans, more plates and cups, more spoons and forks. A bug butcher block knife set.
She stopped caring for herself - throws trash on the floor, lays on the floor crying and screaming.
I try to reframe it like she’s a toddler and give compassion. But I am burned out and don’t enjoy being screamed at.
This is the part of elder care we are referring to. There is no more advice and wisdom they can give once they have reverted to toddlers.

I would disable Amazon (delete her card?) and rethink visitation. She is fed and has a place to live, don’t subject yourself to screaming

PP. I did take away her credit card a little over a week ago. Then she ordered a new one. Just found out that she called an oxygen company and ordered a brand new oxygen concentrator for $2000. Gave them her checking account info.

Omg! I’m so sorry. Maybe she needs her accounts closed but not sure how if she knows the credentials

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an older person this thread is horrifying. Guess what - we’re all dying, and everyone’s best years are behind them. So what? Older people still have perspectives and wisdom to offer, if only people didn’t write us off immediately.

No one is saying that.
My mom is 88. It has been a slow decline over the last 8 years. The last year it has ramped up.
She has been on oxygen for 10+ years. But with dementia, she forgets things about it. She has an in home oxygen concentrator and a portable on. There is no “refilling” it, but this week she was screaming at me that it needed to be refilled and I was trying to kill her by not refilling it.
Last week she was screaming at me because she could not understand what I was saying.
The week before she was screaming at me because she couldn’t figure out her phone.
She is in a tiny transitional apartment unit that provides all meals. And over the last month she has ordered $her 750 of junk from Amazon - more pots and pans, more plates and cups, more spoons and forks. A bug butcher block knife set.
She stopped caring for herself - throws trash on the floor, lays on the floor crying and screaming.
I try to reframe it like she’s a toddler and give compassion. But I am burned out and don’t enjoy being screamed at.
This is the part of elder care we are referring to. There is no more advice and wisdom they can give once they have reverted to toddlers.

I would disable Amazon (delete her card?) and rethink visitation. She is fed and has a place to live, don’t subject yourself to screaming

Or she could be sympathetic and understand that decline is terrifying and also sometimes includes screaming, not voluntarily but because it's part of the disease of dementia.

How would her being there help though? She can scream on her own

+1

[Anonymous]

I think most people who say “old people are like babies” mean that mentally, not physically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure this is the right comparison. The issue is that as people age they are more like toddlers who understand the world around them and have opinions on what they like/don't like and want to do. At the same time, they don't have full control of their physical capacities and they may also have impaired judgment.

This.

Though toddlers have the advantage of being portable in a way elderly people are not. When a toddler has a tantrum, you can pick them up and exit the public setting they are disrupting. When Grandpa starts his sexist/homophobic/racist/xenophobic diatribe, the police might need to be called to remove him. The only option is not to take them anywhere that is necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are going to think this is morbid but after watching and caring for many of our loved ones as they age, DH and I plan to do assisted suicide.

Our perspective could change, of course, but we’re pretty clear eyed about not wanting to live out the end of our lives the way our loved ones have. IMO, medical science has gotten too good at keeping our bodies alive well past the point that they should.

Reading about Daniel Kahneman’s choice to end his life when he did was inspirational to me and I think more people will choose this way after watching our parents and grandparents suffer for years.

I completely agree. Watching my mom is painful. I never want to live like she is now.

The problem is you have to do assisted suicide when you're healthy and sound mind. A friend's mom killed herself for this very reason and my friend and siblings had to beg her not to kill herself. It was stressful for them and they were angry she did it when she hadn't seen her grandkids married, etc.

Even The Morning Show dealt with aging suicide this season and the character hated his mother and was still devastated and effed up from the decision. Therefore, it seems common enough that this isn't the panacea people believe it to be.

This.

Someone is going to spare their kids this pain because you busted this myth.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure this is the right comparison. The issue is that as people age they are more like toddlers who understand the world around them and have opinions on what they like/don't like and want to do. At the same time, they don't have full control of their physical capacities and they may also have impaired judgment.

This.

Though toddlers have the advantage of being portable in a way elderly people are not. When a toddler has a tantrum, you can pick them up and exit the public setting they are disrupting. When Grandpa starts his sexist/homophobic/racist/xenophobic diatribe, the police might need to be called to remove him. The only option is not to take them anywhere that is necessary.

You do realize that people shrink as they become elderly, don’t you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure this is the right comparison. The issue is that as people age they are more like toddlers who understand the world around them and have opinions on what they like/don't like and want to do. At the same time, they don't have full control of their physical capacities and they may also have impaired judgment.

This.

Though toddlers have the advantage of being portable in a way elderly people are not. When a toddler has a tantrum, you can pick them up and exit the public setting they are disrupting. When Grandpa starts his sexist/homophobic/racist/xenophobic diatribe, the police might need to be called to remove him. The only option is not to take them anywhere that is necessary.

You do realize that people shrink as they become elderly, don’t you?

What does this have to do with anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an older person this thread is horrifying. Guess what - we’re all dying, and everyone’s best years are behind them. So what? Older people still have perspectives and wisdom to offer, if only people didn’t write us off immediately.

No one is saying that.
My mom is 88. It has been a slow decline over the last 8 years. The last year it has ramped up.
She has been on oxygen for 10+ years. But with dementia, she forgets things about it. She has an in home oxygen concentrator and a portable on. There is no “refilling” it, but this week she was screaming at me that it needed to be refilled and I was trying to kill her by not refilling it.
Last week she was screaming at me because she could not understand what I was saying.
The week before she was screaming at me because she couldn’t figure out her phone.
She is in a tiny transitional apartment unit that provides all meals. And over the last month she has ordered $her 750 of junk from Amazon - more pots and pans, more plates and cups, more spoons and forks. A bug butcher block knife set.
She stopped caring for herself - throws trash on the floor, lays on the floor crying and screaming.
I try to reframe it like she’s a toddler and give compassion. But I am burned out and don’t enjoy being screamed at.
This is the part of elder care we are referring to. There is no more advice and wisdom they can give once they have reverted to toddlers.

I would disable Amazon (delete her card?) and rethink visitation. She is fed and has a place to live, don’t subject yourself to screaming

Or she could be sympathetic and understand that decline is terrifying and also sometimes includes screaming, not voluntarily but because it's part of the disease of dementia.

Why would someone who’s lived a full life need sympathy?

Asshat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most people who say “old people are like babies” mean that mentally, not physically.

Mine is now both. Can’t ambulate so her diaper has to be changed in bed. Needs multiple people to get her into a wheelchair. Has no idea what goes on around her 90% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are going to think this is morbid but after watching and caring for many of our loved ones as they age, DH and I plan to do assisted suicide.

Our perspective could change, of course, but we’re pretty clear eyed about not wanting to live out the end of our lives the way our loved ones have. IMO, medical science has gotten too good at keeping our bodies alive well past the point that they should.

Reading about Daniel Kahneman’s choice to end his life when he did was inspirational to me and I think more people will choose this way after watching our parents and grandparents suffer for years.

This is my plan too.

Me too. On my mother's side there is a genetic tendency for a mildly abusive parent to become extremely abusive. I assume it's a form of brain dysfunction that does not have a diagnosis because they still pass dementia screens throughout this decline. I will not do that to my kids. At least my grandmother was willing to go to a beautiful nursing home where under heavy sedation she was no longer an abusive tyrant. My mother refuses and won't stay on medication leading to a revolving door of doctors, caregivers, drivers because nobody deserves abuse. I don't want to eat my own young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an older person this thread is horrifying. Guess what - we’re all dying, and everyone’s best years are behind them. So what? Older people still have perspectives and wisdom to offer, if only people didn’t write us off immediately.

No one is saying that.
My mom is 88. It has been a slow decline over the last 8 years. The last year it has ramped up.
She has been on oxygen for 10+ years. But with dementia, she forgets things about it. She has an in home oxygen concentrator and a portable on. There is no “refilling” it, but this week she was screaming at me that it needed to be refilled and I was trying to kill her by not refilling it.
Last week she was screaming at me because she could not understand what I was saying.
The week before she was screaming at me because she couldn’t figure out her phone.
She is in a tiny transitional apartment unit that provides all meals. And over the last month she has ordered $her 750 of junk from Amazon - more pots and pans, more plates and cups, more spoons and forks. A bug butcher block knife set.
She stopped caring for herself - throws trash on the floor, lays on the floor crying and screaming.
I try to reframe it like she’s a toddler and give compassion. But I am burned out and don’t enjoy being screamed at.
This is the part of elder care we are referring to. There is no more advice and wisdom they can give once they have reverted to toddlers.

I would disable Amazon (delete her card?) and rethink visitation. She is fed and has a place to live, don’t subject yourself to screaming

Or she could be sympathetic and understand that decline is terrifying and also sometimes includes screaming, not voluntarily but because it's part of the disease of dementia.

This response is so tone deaf. Does the poster have rights too? Maybe have some empathy for the person screamed at. Otherwise.... hey...You know that person who stabs you on the metro? You should be empathetic because that person likely had a hard life. What about the abusive spouse who screams at you after a bad day at work? Be sympathetic, it's hard having a stressful job. How about someone who robs you? They probably don't have money.

OP has a right to boundaries. You can make sure a parent has proper care and not accept abuse. No need to excuse it. No need to find deep empathy. You just make sure the person has care, but do not set yourself on fire to keep the person warm.