Eye-opening new study on the harms of divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyway, there are a lot of smug people in this thread but rest assured you will get yours. Life can turn on a dime and I hope when some calamity that is out of your control happens to you, you think back to this. Karma has a funny way of coming around.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

You either chose poorly or performed poorly. Those are the only two reasons. If you chose poorly the marriage was doomed from the start. If you performed poorly during the marriage you transformed a viable union into an unfortunate separation.

You’re right, you are better than me! Here is your cookie.

I don’t eat cookies. It’s not that I’m better than you as a person. I simply had higher standards when selecting my spouse and put more effort into my marriage.

I envy people brave enough to flaunt hubris like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyway, there are a lot of smug people in this thread but rest assured you will get yours. Life can turn on a dime and I hope when some calamity that is out of your control happens to you, you think back to this. Karma has a funny way of coming around.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

You either chose poorly or performed poorly. Those are the only two reasons. If you chose poorly the marriage was doomed from the start. If you performed poorly during the marriage you transformed a viable union into an unfortunate separation.

You’re right, you are better than me! Here is your cookie.

I don’t eat cookies. It’s not that I’m better than you as a person. I simply had higher standards when selecting my spouse and put more effort into my marriage.

I envy people brave enough to flaunt hubris like this.

NP and you don’t think it’s “flaunting hubris” when dismissive parents, again and again, diminish the experience and effect of divorce on their children? “Kids are resilient” “this barely made an impact on my kids” “this was better for everyone” and on and on.

Requisite disclaimer AGAIN, SOME MORE that we’re not talking about cases of abuse or horrible stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyway, there are a lot of smug people in this thread but rest assured you will get yours. Life can turn on a dime and I hope when some calamity that is out of your control happens to you, you think back to this. Karma has a funny way of coming around.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

You either chose poorly or performed poorly. Those are the only two reasons. If you chose poorly the marriage was doomed from the start. If you performed poorly during the marriage you transformed a viable union into an unfortunate separation.

You’re right, you are better than me! Here is your cookie.

I don’t eat cookies. It’s not that I’m better than you as a person. I simply had higher standards when selecting my spouse and put more effort into my marriage.

I envy people brave enough to flaunt hubris like this.

Where am I wrong? It’s not hubris.

Selectivity + adaptability = serenity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyway, there are a lot of smug people in this thread but rest assured you will get yours. Life can turn on a dime and I hope when some calamity that is out of your control happens to you, you think back to this. Karma has a funny way of coming around.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

You either chose poorly or performed poorly. Those are the only two reasons. If you chose poorly the marriage was doomed from the start. If you performed poorly during the marriage you transformed a viable union into an unfortunate separation.

You’re right, you are better than me! Here is your cookie.

I don’t eat cookies. It’s not that I’m better than you as a person. I simply had higher standards when selecting my spouse and put more effort into my marriage.

I envy people brave enough to flaunt hubris like this.

Where am I wrong? It’s not hubris.

Selectivity + adaptability = serenity

Your husband definitely cheats on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what some of the smug posters don’t want to admit is a lot of what is referenced in the article doesn’t apply to your average dcum-er. I am one of the posters who was left and my child and I were able to stay in the family home. We worked out a financial agreement such that nothing in my child’s life has changed, aside from seeing his dad less (I am not discounting this, of course this matters, and I feel bad about it all the time -hope you’re happy op, you smug smug little so and so) he still is doing the same activities and still has the same level of family involvement with me going to everything (book fair, games and practices), along with involved grandparents.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think my kid is going to have a worse outcome than the kid his age up the street who has two married parents. I guess the other mom might look at me and inwardly feel smug because she’s got a big ring on her finger and I don’t but my kid is doing fine!

Nothing changed, aside from seeing dad left? Such a typical Divorce is No Big Deal response.

-Having to shuttle between two households
-Having to say no to friends because “I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend,” blah blah
-Awkwardness with holidays, graduations, weddings, visits and vacations now and in the future
-Not having a healthy marriage as a model growing up, leading to potentially problematic relationships in the future

And, according to this study, some very serious increased likelihood of significant hurdles in the future. You don’t have to like it, but it is a big deal.

Again, the article mainly talked about worse outcomes due to poverty. Most people posting on dcum aren’t in poverty so they aren’t dealing with that aspect of it. Try to look within yourself and figure out why you need to crap on single moms and why you so badly need to feel superior. It’s a really bad look. My kid is fine, are yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what some of the smug posters don’t want to admit is a lot of what is referenced in the article doesn’t apply to your average dcum-er. I am one of the posters who was left and my child and I were able to stay in the family home. We worked out a financial agreement such that nothing in my child’s life has changed, aside from seeing his dad less (I am not discounting this, of course this matters, and I feel bad about it all the time -hope you’re happy op, you smug smug little so and so) he still is doing the same activities and still has the same level of family involvement with me going to everything (book fair, games and practices), along with involved grandparents.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think my kid is going to have a worse outcome than the kid his age up the street who has two married parents. I guess the other mom might look at me and inwardly feel smug because she’s got a big ring on her finger and I don’t but my kid is doing fine!

Nothing changed, aside from seeing dad left? Such a typical Divorce is No Big Deal response.

-Having to shuttle between two households
-Having to say no to friends because “I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend,” blah blah
-Awkwardness with holidays, graduations, weddings, visits and vacations now and in the future
-Not having a healthy marriage as a model growing up, leading to potentially problematic relationships in the future

And, according to this study, some very serious increased likelihood of significant hurdles in the future. You don’t have to like it, but it is a big deal.

Again, the article mainly talked about worse outcomes due to poverty. Most people posting on dcum aren’t in poverty so they aren’t dealing with that aspect of it. Try to look within yourself and figure out why you need to crap on single moms and why you so badly need to feel superior. It’s a really bad look. My kid is fine, are yours?

Not everything is about money. Parents are also shown to work more following a divorce, and due to remarriage, time is further split with blended families. But OK, divorce only affects finances. OK, whatever you say!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Correlation not causation. It could be that the type of parents that would have kids who go to jail and gave teen pregnancies are also the type of adults who tend to divorce. Of course divorce isn’t ideal but neither is marrying the wrong person or living with domestic violence or experiencing financial and health issues that can’t be resolved or being with someone that ends up with a criminal record and on and on. I agree with the prior poster - what exactly do you think is rocket science here or new / impt enough for a thread on this?

OP here. I knew there were big financial and emotional repercussions, but no, I didn’t know about the earlier death statistics.

This reveals your ignorance more than anything else. Parents’ divorce is an adverse childhood experience. (It’s not always more adverse than whatever else was going on in the marriage, but it’s adverse nevertheless.)

The more ACEs you have, the earlier you die.

It’s a great reason for our country to invest in preventing them, but good luck with that in the climate of shame that led you to post this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was interesting and insightful: a study on the economic and social impacts of divorce. For children whose parents divorce when they are young, more likely to experience teen pregnancy, jail and early death, less earning potential:

https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/baltimore/news/children-divorce-finance-economy-university-of-maryland/

Thank you for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for sharing this, OP. Studies like this get buried. I see this effect all too often in divorced families.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

This thread is such an interesting Rorschach test.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Correlation not causation. It could be that the type of parents that would have kids who go to jail and gave teen pregnancies are also the type of adults who tend to divorce. Of course divorce isn’t ideal but neither is marrying the wrong person or living with domestic violence or experiencing financial and health issues that can’t be resolved or being with someone that ends up with a criminal record and on and on. I agree with the prior poster - what exactly do you think is rocket science here or new / impt enough for a thread on this?

OP here. I knew there were big financial and emotional repercussions, but no, I didn’t know about the earlier death statistics.

This reveals your ignorance more than anything else. Parents’ divorce is an adverse childhood experience. (It’s not always more adverse than whatever else was going on in the marriage, but it’s adverse nevertheless.)

The more ACEs you have, the earlier you die.

It’s a great reason for our country to invest in preventing them, but good luck with that in the climate of shame that led you to post this.

Do you think researchers analyzed data from the Census Bureau in order to “shame” you, or any individual, personally? Yes or no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what some of the smug posters don’t want to admit is a lot of what is referenced in the article doesn’t apply to your average dcum-er. I am one of the posters who was left and my child and I were able to stay in the family home. We worked out a financial agreement such that nothing in my child’s life has changed, aside from seeing his dad less (I am not discounting this, of course this matters, and I feel bad about it all the time -hope you’re happy op, you smug smug little so and so) he still is doing the same activities and still has the same level of family involvement with me going to everything (book fair, games and practices), along with involved grandparents.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think my kid is going to have a worse outcome than the kid his age up the street who has two married parents. I guess the other mom might look at me and inwardly feel smug because she’s got a big ring on her finger and I don’t but my kid is doing fine!

Nothing changed, aside from seeing dad left? Such a typical Divorce is No Big Deal response.

-Having to shuttle between two households
-Having to say no to friends because “I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend,” blah blah
-Awkwardness with holidays, graduations, weddings, visits and vacations now and in the future
-Not having a healthy marriage as a model growing up, leading to potentially problematic relationships in the future

And, according to this study, some very serious increased likelihood of significant hurdles in the future. You don’t have to like it, but it is a big deal.

Again, the article mainly talked about worse outcomes due to poverty. Most people posting on dcum aren’t in poverty so they aren’t dealing with that aspect of it. Try to look within yourself and figure out why you need to crap on single moms and why you so badly need to feel superior. It’s a really bad look. My kid is fine, are yours?

Not everything is about money. Parents are also shown to work more following a divorce, and due to remarriage, time is further split with blended families. But OK, divorce only affects finances. OK, whatever you say!

A study that controlled for income would be interesting and useful but this one wasn’t it. Anyone who doesn’t know that in this country divorce often leads to poverty for women and children, and that poverty correlates with shorter lifespan hasn’t been paying attention. To call a study that shows that connection “eye-opening” says a lot.

No one here has said that divorce is better for children than a marriage that is healthy and functioning well. But that generally is not the choice people are making, and so a study that compares marriages overall with divorce over all isn’t really useful for informing individual decisions.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t want a divorce but when I got papers served to my house I had no choice. It has been ten years and neither of us have gotten re-married or introduced a partner to our daughters. No teen pregnancies and both girls have great grades and friend groups. IME the kids who have the most issues in adolescence are the ones whose parents rushed to get into another relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that marrying a quality person and being a thoughtful spouse has a 100% success rate. There are no people on either side of the family that are divorced.

You sound smug. And like you haven’t been humbled by life.

LOL why is staying married and being a quality person considered smug and superiority complex?? Very weird. I would say it's quite a feat and everyone should be proud to manage all the challenges and weather all the storms with their significant other through the years.

Because you’re making the classic human mistake that your positive situation is 100% due to your actions. And it’s not. And makes you think you have full control and therefore bad stuff will not happen to you. It’s called hubris and many Greek tragedies have covered it.

Divorce isn’t something that just happens to the vast majority of married couple. It’s an active choice.

Sometimes it is an active choice for one party and the other just gets dragged along for the ride. It only takes one to divorce. There was no discussion at my house. I was told as he walked out the door. Am I perfect? Nobody is perfect. Now he has started a new family. At least The New Wife won’t be surprised like I was. She knows he’s capable of just walking out one day. I hope my kids will be okay in the end. If not, it won’t be because of my lack of trying.

Yep, same. He just left and decided he wanted to be an every other weekend dad. Having freedom to go to the bar and get a new lil girlfriend was more important than our family.

Anyway, there are a lot of smug people in this thread but rest assured you will get yours. Life can turn on a dime and I hope when some calamity that is out of your control happens to you, you think back to this. Karma has a funny way of coming around.

I like how you’re acting like people don’t have divorce parties, that’s how much they don’t take divorce seriously. I’m sorry for your hardships, but you are acting like you being abandoned is the way it always goes down. There are a lot of people who act like divorce is NBD, fail to take their kids’ feelings seriously, fail to do everything they can to help their kids, fail to prioritize their kids.

I have not seen that. It really sounds like you are looking for a way to feel like you are better than others. You are married, here is your cookie!! You are sooo superior and so are your children.

I haven't had a divorce party but can see why one would. Mine has been going on for 3 years with heavy legal/divorce abuse from XH. I haven't been able to relax or take a nice vacation because the joint account is frozen. When it's all done I plan on taking a trip with girlfriends and letting loose. The grieving of the divorce happened already.

[Anonymous]

I am not going to celebrate the abuse, or the separation, or the functional end of the marriage, or his new relationship.

But when the paperwork is finished and I have a document giving me full custody and my half of the assets, I will celebrate that. I’m too introverted for a party but I see no problem with having one.