Struggling with being intimate with my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: . . .

Reading her posts I am keep thinking "how humiliated DH felt when his own wife turned him down for a HJ!"

It is the beginning of the end of the marriage unless OP changes her way. Bet on it.

What’s even more humiliating to his feelings are the truths OP has (anonymously) shared with us here.

Imagine how he would feel if she said to his face “ thought of being intimate with him grosses me out” (from her first post) or,

“ and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. . . . I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him”

- but OP is debating turning him down for a simple HJ tonight anyway.

OP: you keep mentioning he’s a good guy and would never cheat on you; thus he is trapped. Can you see how you have quite literally and factually turned him into an “incel” ? (You already made him celibate during 18 months of pregnancy for no other reason than, as you put it “your choice.”

These are facts ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are so selfish. OP can be too.

Good one! You've identified the theme of this thread! OP's husband, contrary to everything she's written, is very selfish. But not OP (or other women). No way.

[Anonymous]

Are you breastfeeding? I feel like it is probably hormones.

[Anonymous]

Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you breastfeeding? I feel like it is probably hormones.

Op again. Yes. Someone already suggested I stop and I won't be doing that breastfeeding is important to both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you really find even snuggling and smooching while he does whatever to feel like a hideous violation? I’ve definitely been at the “hormones making full intimacy unbearable” stage but if you can’t do anything in bed to make him feel loved and cherished without it being really upsetting to you, I would honestly stop nursing. Your marriage is more important. (And I have done a lot of crying about how I WANT to have a libido I just don’t…)

DP here -

I could write the same exact posts as you, OP. I’ve decided I want to make the marriage work bc I love my husband and kids.

Here’s what helps me:
1. Some wine
2. Just don’t think about it and do it. Often for me it’s the lead up thought process and once we’re going it’s fine.
3. I do feel the more I force myself to do it, the more I want it
4. A night away in a hotel just the two of you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 5.5 months and probably nursing your libiso is all your hormones. If at all possible I would do the HJ to keep the peace for a bit and then see how you feel when you stop nursing. I wanted no intimacy until each kid was 1 but we used a ton of lube and I wanted my DH to be content and satisfied. Post weaning my drive came back to a certain level and we are ok with once or twice a week now.

Agree that hormones are the likely culprit and nobody should make any drastic decisions until you're done nursing. Based on what you're describing, I think the kissing would be worse than the HJ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

You have to be honest. You are not going to be able to hide it if you are truly repulsed. I used to cry sometimes, even though I was really trying.

[Anonymous]

I thought it was just the hormones too after my second delivery. That happened with my first and it came roaring back within a few weeks of weaning. My second child is now almost 6 and weaned a long time ago and bleh. It never came back. Spironolactone makes it even worse.

I find what works best is to put on some p*rn, get things flowing then go initiate every so often. HJ also for when you just can't get into it.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s the breastfeeding. When I was, I just felt like a cow and like my body was just to serve my family.
Couldn’t wait to be done and have my body back. Kids are older now and doing great.

[Anonymous]

She's a wife, not a prostitute. She has a 5.5 month old. She has no libido. He's never come close to going through anything like pregnancy and childbirth. OP - take a few more months, get through breastfeeding and most importantly - be honest with your dh. I really think this isn't about him - I've been where you are and truly felt grossed out by the thought of it with ANYONE. I just couldn't see myself [u]that way. I had spent years pregnant and breastfeeding. I was trying to figure out life - going back to work, having 2 kids, trying to sleep (sleep is another HUGE issue - if a person doesn't sleep for years, that will negatively impact libido). It had nothing to do with dh specifically. He wasn't a bad person, but his BEING didn't change like mine did. At that time, I needed him to put his needs last. I told him that (very nicely). I needed him to be 50/50 and we needed to almost rebuild our relationship. It's not as simple as a hj or bj. It wasn't about that. What this stage of life is about is honesty and openness, family life, and long-term marriage building.

Fast forward 20 years...we have sex constantly and it's better than ever. Those 20 years saw ebbs and flows - illness, major kid issues, moving, parents, we even got to the point of possible separation from all of that. Thank god he understands that I'm a human being. Has made it easy to just jump back into it and move on! I'm ridiculously happy and now that the kids are older, it's more about us again. I'm very proud of us for getting through it without damaging each other.

There are many ways to have a marriage, OP. Talk to him. Be vulnerable. I do think he sounds wonderful, so I think getting this stuff off your chest will only bring you closer. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought it was just the hormones too after my second delivery. That happened with my first and it came roaring back within a few weeks of weaning. My second child is now almost 6 and weaned a long time ago and bleh. It never came back. Spironolactone makes it even worse.

I find what works best is to put on some p*rn, get things flowing then go initiate every so often. HJ also for when you just can't get into it.

+1 or erotica

-dw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's a wife, not a prostitute. She has a 5.5 month old. She has no libido. He's never come close to going through anything like pregnancy and childbirth. OP - take a few more months, get through breastfeeding and most importantly - be honest with your dh. I really think this isn't about him - I've been where you are and truly felt grossed out by the thought of it with ANYONE. I just couldn't see myself [u]that way. I had spent years pregnant and breastfeeding. I was trying to figure out life - going back to work, having 2 kids, trying to sleep (sleep is another HUGE issue - if a person doesn't sleep for years, that will negatively impact libido). It had nothing to do with dh specifically. He wasn't a bad person, but his BEING didn't change like mine did. At that time, I needed him to put his needs last. I told him that (very nicely). I needed him to be 50/50 and we needed to almost rebuild our relationship. It's not as simple as a hj or bj. It wasn't about that. What this stage of life is about is honesty and openness, family life, and long-term marriage building.

Fast forward 20 years...we have sex constantly and it's better than ever. Those 20 years saw ebbs and flows - illness, major kid issues, moving, parents, we even got to the point of possible separation from all of that. Thank god he understands that I'm a human being. Has made it easy to just jump back into it and move on! I'm ridiculously happy and now that the kids are older, it's more about us again. I'm very proud of us for getting through it without damaging each other.

There are many ways to have a marriage, OP. Talk to him. Be vulnerable. I do think he sounds wonderful, so I think getting this stuff off your chest will only bring you closer. Good luck!!

Love this post so much. Thank you. (DP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought it was just the hormones too after my second delivery. That happened with my first and it came roaring back within a few weeks of weaning. My second child is now almost 6 and weaned a long time ago and bleh. It never came back. Spironolactone makes it even worse.

I find what works best is to put on some p*rn, get things flowing then go initiate every so often. HJ also for when you just can't get into it.

+1 or erotica

-dw

There is a written-word site called literotica (a discrete search will lead you to it).

It could help.

[Anonymous]

It also helps if you at least “stay in practice” by using a shaky-thing once in a while.