DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

It isn't a day on dcum if someone's spouse isn't diagnosed with autism over the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

Is autism a reason for not getting shared custody? That would be sometime to investigate before leaving kids with him half time.

PP you replied to. No, an autism diagnosis will not be considered. The bar is very high to prove that a parent is unfit for custody. You would need to prove that the parent has directly harmed the children in a measurable way, or that he's a habitual user of hard drugs, etc. Something serious like that, or regular physical absences for work such that he cannot actually live in the same house with them for most of the time (deployment, long-distance job, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

It isn't a day on dcum if someone's spouse isn't diagnosed with autism over the internet.

PP you replied to. My husband has autism and has behaved like that, so I want to give OP the benefit of my experience. I did NOT diagnose her husband. I just laid out some possibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my constantly butt-hurt husband.

I cannot afford to divorce him.

I hope and pray that YOU are able to get out.

Ahh, the constant refrain of "my DH is so horrible and awful but I can't imagine anything but the lifestyle he provides so I'll just bash him every chance I get behind his back" ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

We were at a plant nursery and a woman in line with us noticed we were buying the same plant and shared her ideas about it and asked what I was going to do with mine. He said it was ridiculous that I felt the need to respond to her and why did I have to be like that.

I didn’t cry or rant about the school thing. I said I was really upset and worried about x thing that school told us had happened and wondered how we should talk to DD and how we should respond to school. He said nothing was going to fix it so we should just tell school it was fine and I should stop wasting everyone’s time on it.

You know he’s insane, right? He must have a horrible time in the world. What a petty little b. Do you like him? He sounds absolutely insufferable. Has he always been? What a miserable existence.

He’s probably always been insufferable but has always told me I’m in the wrong. As someone who is really adaptable and flexible and has a ton of empathy, I’ve usually been very thoughtful about his “feedback.” But I think I was actually just contorting myself in an attempt to manage his reactions. Honestly, it’s hard to see it clearly from inside this mess, and my family and friends not being here to witness the everyday makes it harder because I don’t have anyone observing it and saying it’s normal or not.

I will say that when my friends visit or we have rare social occasions, it’s like he can flip a switch when he wants to and play nice. But he can also withdraw and sulk to sort of punish me for social obligations, and that’s when I feel like I scramble to cover for him so I won’t lose all my connections completely.

Also he did come back tonight, pretending everything is normal, and when I tried to say that the silent treatment is inappropriate and abusive, he told me I’m abusing him and smirked at me and walked to another room.

Thank you for update. Sounds like a challenging situation. Was his upbringing dysfunctional? How are his parents?

Very mentally ill sibling who is in and out of inpatient but it was hidden from me until well after we were married. FIL is kind but would be diagnosed with ASD now, and his dementia became incapacitating when he was relatively young and we were first married (late 50s) so I don’t know much about him. MIL is a gem but I think she has probably spent her life scrambling around to cover stuff up and there is a ton of shame and secrecy which I’m sure did not help DH’s emotional development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

It isn't a day on dcum if someone's spouse isn't diagnosed with autism over the internet.

"It's either autism or he's having an affair" is a perfect DCUM comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

We were at a plant nursery and a woman in line with us noticed we were buying the same plant and shared her ideas about it and asked what I was going to do with mine. He said it was ridiculous that I felt the need to respond to her and why did I have to be like that.

I didn’t cry or rant about the school thing. I said I was really upset and worried about x thing that school told us had happened and wondered how we should talk to DD and how we should respond to school. He said nothing was going to fix it so we should just tell school it was fine and I should stop wasting everyone’s time on it.

You know he’s insane, right? He must have a horrible time in the world. What a petty little b. Do you like him? He sounds absolutely insufferable. Has he always been? What a miserable existence.

He’s probably always been insufferable but has always told me I’m in the wrong. As someone who is really adaptable and flexible and has a ton of empathy, I’ve usually been very thoughtful about his “feedback.” But I think I was actually just contorting myself in an attempt to manage his reactions. Honestly, it’s hard to see it clearly from inside this mess, and my family and friends not being here to witness the everyday makes it harder because I don’t have anyone observing it and saying it’s normal or not.

I will say that when my friends visit or we have rare social occasions, it’s like he can flip a switch when he wants to and play nice. But he can also withdraw and sulk to sort of punish me for social obligations, and that’s when I feel like I scramble to cover for him so I won’t lose all my connections completely.

Also he did come back tonight, pretending everything is normal, and when I tried to say that the silent treatment is inappropriate and abusive, he told me I’m abusing him and smirked at me and walked to another room.

Thank you for update. Sounds like a challenging situation. Was his upbringing dysfunctional? How are his parents?

Very mentally ill sibling who is in and out of inpatient but it was hidden from me until well after we were married. FIL is kind but would be diagnosed with ASD now, and his dementia became incapacitating when he was relatively young and we were first married (late 50s) so I don’t know much about him. MIL is a gem but I think she has probably spent her life scrambling around to cover stuff up and there is a ton of shame and secrecy which I’m sure did not help DH’s emotional development.

Sure it was.

Your MIL is "a gem" but was actively hiding this from you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

Is autism a reason for not getting shared custody? That would be sometime to investigate before leaving kids with him half time.

PP you replied to. No, an autism diagnosis will not be considered. The bar is very high to prove that a parent is unfit for custody. You would need to prove that the parent has directly harmed the children in a measurable way, or that he's a habitual user of hard drugs, etc. Something serious like that, or regular physical absences for work such that he cannot actually live in the same house with them for most of the time (deployment, long-distance job, etc).

That’s too bad. I don’t think we should judge adults with autism if they’re functioning fine, but if they’re creating this kind of chaos it’s a shame that the court wouldn’t protect the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

It isn't a day on dcum if someone's spouse isn't diagnosed with autism over the internet.

"It's either autism or he's having an affair" is a perfect DCUM comment.

Always said with complete confidence, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

Is autism a reason for not getting shared custody? That would be sometime to investigate before leaving kids with him half time.

PP you replied to. No, an autism diagnosis will not be considered. The bar is very high to prove that a parent is unfit for custody. You would need to prove that the parent has directly harmed the children in a measurable way, or that he's a habitual user of hard drugs, etc. Something serious like that, or regular physical absences for work such that he cannot actually live in the same house with them for most of the time (deployment, long-distance job, etc).

That’s too bad. I don’t think we should judge adults with autism if they’re functioning fine, but if they’re creating this kind of chaos it’s a shame that the court wouldn’t protect the kids.

Take your attempt at disguising your shameful ableism elsewhere. Your "I don't think we should judge" stuff doesn't hide it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

We were at a plant nursery and a woman in line with us noticed we were buying the same plant and shared her ideas about it and asked what I was going to do with mine. He said it was ridiculous that I felt the need to respond to her and why did I have to be like that.

I didn’t cry or rant about the school thing. I said I was really upset and worried about x thing that school told us had happened and wondered how we should talk to DD and how we should respond to school. He said nothing was going to fix it so we should just tell school it was fine and I should stop wasting everyone’s time on it.

You know he’s insane, right? He must have a horrible time in the world. What a petty little b. Do you like him? He sounds absolutely insufferable. Has he always been? What a miserable existence.

He’s probably always been insufferable but has always told me I’m in the wrong. As someone who is really adaptable and flexible and has a ton of empathy, I’ve usually been very thoughtful about his “feedback.” But I think I was actually just contorting myself in an attempt to manage his reactions. Honestly, it’s hard to see it clearly from inside this mess, and my family and friends not being here to witness the everyday makes it harder because I don’t have anyone observing it and saying it’s normal or not.

I will say that when my friends visit or we have rare social occasions, it’s like he can flip a switch when he wants to and play nice. But he can also withdraw and sulk to sort of punish me for social obligations, and that’s when I feel like I scramble to cover for him so I won’t lose all my connections completely.

Also he did come back tonight, pretending everything is normal, and when I tried to say that the silent treatment is inappropriate and abusive, he told me I’m abusing him and smirked at me and walked to another room.

Thank you for update. Sounds like a challenging situation. Was his upbringing dysfunctional? How are his parents?

Very mentally ill sibling who is in and out of inpatient but it was hidden from me until well after we were married. FIL is kind but would be diagnosed with ASD now, and his dementia became incapacitating when he was relatively young and we were first married (late 50s) so I don’t know much about him. MIL is a gem but I think she has probably spent her life scrambling around to cover stuff up and there is a ton of shame and secrecy which I’m sure did not help DH’s emotional development.

Sure it was.

Your MIL is "a gem" but was actively hiding this from you?

Well, in every other way. I don’t want to slander her on the internet. She works really hard and is in a super awful situation.

Yes, it was hidden from me. The sibling would “go abroad” for special work projects, which made sense given the industry they’d worked in. Or when we went to visit their city, they would be “on a trip to see friends.”

When I finally figured out what was going on, DH said that his family felt really weird talking about the hospitalizations and this is how they’d always explained it and he didn’t know how to tell me. And at that point we were married with one baby, so it wasn’t like I was going to file for divorce because someone felt shame about mental illness and handled it badly. Now, with everything else that’s piled up, yeah, it’s bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

Is autism a reason for not getting shared custody? That would be sometime to investigate before leaving kids with him half time.

PP you replied to. No, an autism diagnosis will not be considered. The bar is very high to prove that a parent is unfit for custody. You would need to prove that the parent has directly harmed the children in a measurable way, or that he's a habitual user of hard drugs, etc. Something serious like that, or regular physical absences for work such that he cannot actually live in the same house with them for most of the time (deployment, long-distance job, etc).

That’s too bad. I don’t think we should judge adults with autism if they’re functioning fine, but if they’re creating this kind of chaos it’s a shame that the court wouldn’t protect the kids.

Take your attempt at disguising your shameful ableism elsewhere. Your "I don't think we should judge" stuff doesn't hide it.

No judgement of people with autism who are parenting responsibly. We don’t even know who they are because they are doing their thing and not causing anyone hurt or harm. But if you’re using your differently developed brain as an excuse to not parent or to sow emotional chaos and instability, then yeah, total judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

We were at a plant nursery and a woman in line with us noticed we were buying the same plant and shared her ideas about it and asked what I was going to do with mine. He said it was ridiculous that I felt the need to respond to her and why did I have to be like that.

I didn’t cry or rant about the school thing. I said I was really upset and worried about x thing that school told us had happened and wondered how we should talk to DD and how we should respond to school. He said nothing was going to fix it so we should just tell school it was fine and I should stop wasting everyone’s time on it.

You know he’s insane, right? He must have a horrible time in the world. What a petty little b. Do you like him? He sounds absolutely insufferable. Has he always been? What a miserable existence.

He’s probably always been insufferable but has always told me I’m in the wrong. As someone who is really adaptable and flexible and has a ton of empathy, I’ve usually been very thoughtful about his “feedback.” But I think I was actually just contorting myself in an attempt to manage his reactions. Honestly, it’s hard to see it clearly from inside this mess, and my family and friends not being here to witness the everyday makes it harder because I don’t have anyone observing it and saying it’s normal or not.

I will say that when my friends visit or we have rare social occasions, it’s like he can flip a switch when he wants to and play nice. But he can also withdraw and sulk to sort of punish me for social obligations, and that’s when I feel like I scramble to cover for him so I won’t lose all my connections completely.

Also he did come back tonight, pretending everything is normal, and when I tried to say that the silent treatment is inappropriate and abusive, he told me I’m abusing him and smirked at me and walked to another room.

Thank you for update. Sounds like a challenging situation. Was his upbringing dysfunctional? How are his parents?

Very mentally ill sibling who is in and out of inpatient but it was hidden from me until well after we were married. FIL is kind but would be diagnosed with ASD now, and his dementia became incapacitating when he was relatively young and we were first married (late 50s) so I don’t know much about him. MIL is a gem but I think she has probably spent her life scrambling around to cover stuff up and there is a ton of shame and secrecy which I’m sure did not help DH’s emotional development.

Sure it was.

Your MIL is "a gem" but was actively hiding this from you?

Well, in every other way. I don’t want to slander her on the internet. She works really hard and is in a super awful situation.

Yes, it was hidden from me. The sibling would “go abroad” for special work projects, which made sense given the industry they’d worked in. Or when we went to visit their city, they would be “on a trip to see friends.”

When I finally figured out what was going on, DH said that his family felt really weird talking about the hospitalizations and this is how they’d always explained it and he didn’t know how to tell me. And at that point we were married with one baby, so it wasn’t like I was going to file for divorce because someone felt shame about mental illness and handled it badly. Now, with everything else that’s piled up, yeah, it’s bad.

So ... they didn't discuss something that was not your business with you ... but here you are babbling about things being "hidden" from you. More drama. Another attempt at drumming up sympathy by acting like people did something awful to you when they didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

Is autism a reason for not getting shared custody? That would be sometime to investigate before leaving kids with him half time.

PP you replied to. No, an autism diagnosis will not be considered. The bar is very high to prove that a parent is unfit for custody. You would need to prove that the parent has directly harmed the children in a measurable way, or that he's a habitual user of hard drugs, etc. Something serious like that, or regular physical absences for work such that he cannot actually live in the same house with them for most of the time (deployment, long-distance job, etc).

That’s too bad. I don’t think we should judge adults with autism if they’re functioning fine, but if they’re creating this kind of chaos it’s a shame that the court wouldn’t protect the kids.

Take your attempt at disguising your shameful ableism elsewhere. Your "I don't think we should judge" stuff doesn't hide it.

No judgement of people with autism who are parenting responsibly. We don’t even know who they are because they are doing their thing and not causing anyone hurt or harm. But if you’re using your differently developed brain as an excuse to not parent or to sow emotional chaos and instability, then yeah, total judgement.

Yeah. Because that is exactly what is at issue here -- some one using their "differently developed brain as an excuse to not parent or to sow emotional chaos"? No, it is not. And yet you can't help implying that this is a big thing here. Yes. Ableist bs. I hope you mouth off like this in person and get canceled.

[Anonymous]

So he disappeared all afternoon until evening without his phone leaving you with the kids? That’s inexcusable.