New baby with second husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really need to consider the children they already have before doing sh*t like this. Why is it all too common to brush them aside for the "new" family? Not fair or right at all.

Fair, but they also need to consider their childless partner. It is entirely natural for someone to want their own biological children. For some people, spending time with stepchildren makes them realize they enjoy parenting, but they want the complete package, including decision-making authority over how to raise a child, early bonding with a child from birth, and possibly a genetic connection with a child. People need to think about those things, too, before marrying someone who is childless.

This needs to be considered before getting married. Personally, I think a person who has burning need to have a genetic child of their own is exactly the person you do NOT want to have a second set of kids with. Mom's first set of kids will surely be brushed aside. Only reason to ever consider this is that new husband 100% treats and thinks of mom's kids from prior marriage as his own. This is going to be incredibly rare. This is also why both of my divorced friends (with whom I am close enough to discuss this stuff) ONLY date guys who already have kids of their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many older kids would adore having a baby around. People are being way too negative here. There tends to be bias against having babies over 40 on this site in general.

OP my best friend’s mom growing up had “round 2” while her others were in high school. It worked out great and brought much joy to everyone in the family.

No, it brought joy to the selfish friend. Of course she will tell you the older kids "adore" having a baby around. That's such a lie I can't believe anyone would hear it and keep a straight face!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is the "diamond" you say. No pressure either way. It's me who fantasizes about a baby together but I definitely am concerned about my kids from first marriage. It's probably just a fantasy. I love babies.

I would at least try, OP. Love is not a zero sum game. You won’t love your children less if you have another one. While you may have a few challenges years, it could be so wonderful for everyone in the long run. Good luck!

Maybe it's not, but it will feel zero sum to the current already existing kids. Love is not zero sum, but time and attention are.

Once again, we're back to a debate about family size. Big family, small family, do what's right for you. You'll figure out how to care for a third child if you want one, OP. It's not that deep.

Yikes, I hate this thinking. "god will provide for any and all babies !!11!!!"

No, you don't always "figure it out" and no, god doesnt always provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really need to consider the children they already have before doing sh*t like this. Why is it all too common to brush them aside for the "new" family? Not fair or right at all.

Fair, but they also need to consider their childless partner. It is entirely natural for someone to want their own biological children. For some people, spending time with stepchildren makes them realize they enjoy parenting, but they want the complete package, including decision-making authority over how to raise a child, early bonding with a child from birth, and possibly a genetic connection with a child. People need to think about those things, too, before marrying someone who is childless.

Potentially, but that isn't this situation. The childless DH apparently does not have a burning desire (as a later pp mentioned) for this. It's OP who "likes babies" and wants more with this new partner.

It's easy to blame the other person, but that's not the case here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many older kids would adore having a baby around. People are being way too negative here. There tends to be bias against having babies over 40 on this site in general.

OP my best friend’s mom growing up had “round 2” while her others were in high school. It worked out great and brought much joy to everyone in the family.

No, it brought joy to the selfish friend. Of course she will tell you the older kids "adore" having a baby around. That's such a lie I can't believe anyone would hear it and keep a straight face!

Read again. I was friends with the teen child. I still know the family 25 years later (so round 2 is all grownups) - everyone is happy and still very close.

And really I grew up knowing many big, happy families that were full of joy. I don’t buy the selfish angle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many older kids would adore having a baby around. People are being way too negative here. There tends to be bias against having babies over 40 on this site in general.

OP my best friend’s mom growing up had “round 2” while her others were in high school. It worked out great and brought much joy to everyone in the family.

No, it brought joy to the selfish friend. Of course she will tell you the older kids "adore" having a baby around. That's such a lie I can't believe anyone would hear it and keep a straight face!

You are a hateful person. So bitter.

Our kids are the joy of our lives. Zero regrets.

[Anonymous]

My coworker has a 15- year old from her first marriage. She remarried a year ago after being divorced for a decade. New husband has no kids of his own. She said they weren’t planning to have children but guess they changed their minds as she is now pregnant at 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really need to consider the children they already have before doing sh*t like this. Why is it all too common to brush them aside for the "new" family? Not fair or right at all.

Fair, but they also need to consider their childless partner. It is entirely natural for someone to want their own biological children. For some people, spending time with stepchildren makes them realize they enjoy parenting, but they want the complete package, including decision-making authority over how to raise a child, early bonding with a child from birth, and possibly a genetic connection with a child. People need to think about those things, too, before marrying someone who is childless.

This needs to be considered before getting married. Personally, I think a person who has burning need to have a genetic child of their own is exactly the person you do NOT want to have a second set of kids with. Mom's first set of kids will surely be brushed aside. Only reason to ever consider this is that new husband 100% treats and thinks of mom's kids from prior marriage as his own. This is going to be incredibly rare. This is also why both of my divorced friends (with whom I am close enough to discuss this stuff) ONLY date guys who already have kids of their own.

Grow up. Husband is not dad. You wanting a replacement dad for your kids is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is the "diamond" you say. No pressure either way. It's me who fantasizes about a baby together but I definitely am concerned about my kids from first marriage. It's probably just a fantasy. I love babies.

So when your kids are past the baby stage you try to make a new baby with a new husband?

I feel bad for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

Your children need to be involved with this decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

Your children need to be involved with this decision.

No they don't. Its a decision the adults make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

Your children need to be involved with this decision.

No they don't. Its a decision the adults make.

Wrecking the lives of your other children is selfish and mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really need to consider the children they already have before doing sh*t like this. Why is it all too common to brush them aside for the "new" family? Not fair or right at all.

Fair, but they also need to consider their childless partner. It is entirely natural for someone to want their own biological children. For some people, spending time with stepchildren makes them realize they enjoy parenting, but they want the complete package, including decision-making authority over how to raise a child, early bonding with a child from birth, and possibly a genetic connection with a child. People need to think about those things, too, before marrying someone who is childless.

This needs to be considered before getting married. Personally, I think a person who has burning need to have a genetic child of their own is exactly the person you do NOT want to have a second set of kids with. Mom's first set of kids will surely be brushed aside. Only reason to ever consider this is that new husband 100% treats and thinks of mom's kids from prior marriage as his own. This is going to be incredibly rare. This is also why both of my divorced friends (with whom I am close enough to discuss this stuff) ONLY date guys who already have kids of their own.

What are you talking about? Your post makes no sense. So, your argument is no one should have more than one child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

Your children need to be involved with this decision.

No they don't. Its a decision the adults make.

Wrecking the lives of your other children is selfish and mean.

You aren't wrecking your kids lives by having more kids. If you were you would have stopped at one. Why did you have more than one child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

This!

You are setting yourself up to crumble the relationship you have with your kids. They will rebel and hate you. It will be your fault - both in reality and perceived. You are the adult.

Out of necessity you will spend more time with the baby when your kids need you. Your husband won't have the patience with them than a biological father would. He will end up resentful of the time and energy they need, especially from you. He will end up with a bad relationship with them, which will eventually soil your relationship with them. Oh and he will help you to spoil his baby at the expense of your children, which will fuel their resentment.