Coping with the knowledge that everyone views your kid as a problem?

[Anonymous]

The ironic thing about everyone saying “Oh be nice to the school, they are understaffed” is that the school brings this on themselves by the way they choose to communicate. Yes the failures to implement the IEP are a problem. But in terms of the relationship between the school and parents (mother) relating to a kid with behavioral issues, when the tone of school communication conveys that they have no idea how to handle your bad kid … how do you think parents will react? Especially parents like OP who have made every effort to acknowledge their child’s behavioral challenges within the system and set up appropriate supports.

I would get calls and emails regularly from staff sounding all worked up, like “OMG your child just did X thing”! I would think “Yes, the history of X behavior and the plan to address is are all in the BIP! Why do you sound surprised?”

Eventually I had to tell a few of the worst offenders “Do not contact me about any behavioral issues unless it is in a fact-based email that sets out A) the antecedent B) the behavior and C) how you implemented the BIP in response.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the “teachers” and school “psychiatrists” who come on here in every thread and insist the children are too disabled and disruptive and the parents too demanding for anything to be done. I don’t know if they really are school employees but wtf cares. Their agenda has nothing at all to do with your feelings about how your child is being treated. It’s okay to feel sad that he is being treated with palpable disdain. My son was in kindergarten also. I believe you. I don’t know where this stupid pile on the OP nonsense started on this forum but it’s gotten wildly out of hand.

+1
NP here. I'm truly stunned at how mean this thread is. Damn.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

omg just stfu. the answer to all of these questions is for the SCHOOL to figure it out and to provide the necessary services. OP is AT HOME - she cannot analyze the SCHOOL behavior or come up with a plan for the school. The school has to do that. It’s entirely possible that the child needs a different placement but seriously stfu about mom needing to do more here. this is 100% on the school and the school is failing. whether or not you think the school has a good excuse for failing (lack of resources), the school is failing.

As a parent, you are part of the team that has to make the school experience successful. Recognizing that is one of the reasons I was successful in getting my child what they needed, including a non Mainstream placement.

What OP is doing is the equivalent of banging her head against a wall. If she never figures out the underlying problem, she’s just going to keep banging away and wonder why she’s not getting results. Us BTDT parents do have worthwhile advice and suggestions even if you, PP, don’t like them. And not everyone has the money for a lawyer.

Well the school is still failing. Sure OP needs to be strategic but there’s no reason to tiptoe around it. Sending a kid with a BIP home repeatedly is unacceptable. If OP cannot afford a lawyer look into whether there is an Ombudsman.

Not the PP you’re responding to, but I think if OP is asked to pick her child up she should have it documented as a suspension. Because once her kid is suspended 5x the school has to call a meeting and figure out specific services or potentially private placement that will work (funded by the school system). If she just picks her kid up “off the books” then she is making their job easier without furthering the process for her kid to get help.

If what other posters are saying is true that the teachers/admin are not equipped to provide services for her child, then this needs to be documented for everyone’s sake so that things can proceed onward. Like ok this school cannot help OP’s kid, so let’s find the placement that will. And she shouldn’t have to pay for her kid’s education if the public school cannot accommodate him. The law says they have to find him a place he can have his needs met (in the least restrictive environment, which may not be mainstream public school).

The second best case scenario (aside from the public mainstream class being accommodating) is to get the school in agreement he needs a different placement so OP can fight for funding for that.

Could also request a 1:1

[Anonymous]

this has been our entire public school experience and my kid is in HS.

You have to accept that the school does not care and you are the only one who wants your kid to succeed.

Spend money on supports outside of school. Document everything and go up the chain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ironic thing about everyone saying “Oh be nice to the school, they are understaffed” is that the school brings this on themselves by the way they choose to communicate. Yes the failures to implement the IEP are a problem. But in terms of the relationship between the school and parents (mother) relating to a kid with behavioral issues, when the tone of school communication conveys that they have no idea how to handle your bad kid … how do you think parents will react? Especially parents like OP who have made every effort to acknowledge their child’s behavioral challenges within the system and set up appropriate supports.

I would get calls and emails regularly from staff sounding all worked up, like “OMG your child just did X thing”! I would think “Yes, the history of X behavior and the plan to address is are all in the BIP! Why do you sound surprised?”

Eventually I had to tell a few of the worst offenders “Do not contact me about any behavioral issues unless it is in a fact-based email that sets out A) the antecedent B) the behavior and C) how you implemented the BIP in response.”

This. I repeat. It is not the parents fault the school is understaffed and unprepared and incompetent. It may well not be the schools fault - but as a governmental entity we all are funding, the school does not get a pass. It is not sufficient to say it’s too hard. It is not acceptable. This is why the laws regulating schools exist.

[Anonymous]

OP, just want to send you a hug. I think you have gotten mostly good advice with some tough love thrown in. It is hard to feel your world shrink. If you have the opportunity to make a friend who has kids with special needs, it will help a lot. A lot of your friends and family who don't understand just won't get it. Therapy is another avenue that can help so you can at least have your feelings validated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really appreciate this thread.

The feeling of community ostracizing as pp put it is viscerally painful and was shocking to us. It is one of the most basic things since caveman times to want your children to be accepted by your community and seriously I felt like most of the school staff and other parents would have happily left my kid outside to be eaten by sabertooth tigers.

Op here. Thank you. You described it much better than I did. This is what I came here seeking-people who could relate to this specific feeling. I did not anticipate this and it has been shocking. People don’t even pretend to like him or us now. Our other child is NT and older and has been at this school for 4 years so the contrast is stunning.

[Anonymous]

Op, to make you feel better about the coping issue. Please just know that everyone starting k is nervous about their own child. They see a kid struggling, like yours and mine, and they want to separate their child from that child and they also feel relief that their own child is okay. It’s a dark ugly side of human nature but it’s understandable I guess. The teachers, they’re just annoyed people who are overwhelmed. But like me when my clients are being unreasonable and driving me insane - you shouldn’t know they feel that way. That’s the issue here. They feel like they can convey it to you because again, understaffed, unprepared, incompetent. Do better, teacher posters.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes it clear the way some in the school system feel about kids with needs.
I highly suggest getting guidance ( legal) on the documentation of behaviors/ early pick ups from school.
I don’t think the schools care at all about the kids with needs without behaviors but you do have a chance of additional support due to behaviors, just make sure all is documented properly. They will gaslight you forever if you let them.


I agree that private is the better choice if it’s an option. Public schools are so broken right now and it’s not your job to fix them. Get your kid the best environment you can. And yes, it’s wrong etc but you don’t need the mental anguish of dealing with the schools any more than necessary. It’s not going to change anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, to make you feel better about the coping issue. Please just know that everyone starting k is nervous about their own child. They see a kid struggling, like yours and mine, and they want to separate their child from that child and they also feel relief that their own child is okay. It’s a dark ugly side of human nature but it’s understandable I guess. The teachers, they’re just annoyed people who are overwhelmed. But like me when my clients are being unreasonable and driving me insane - you shouldn’t know they feel that way. That’s the issue here. They feel like they can convey it to you because again, understaffed, unprepared, incompetent. Do better, teacher posters.

To add - they also feel like they can convey it to you because of the culture you see expressed on here, where people keep telling you to be sweet, make them love your kid, be grateful, be patient, shut up. They’ve been able to get away with this and they expect it to keep going. It’s okay not to tolerate it. It’s okay to expect better. I do, I’m polite about it, but I make clear I expect appropriateness and professionalism and I get it. Demand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why the SN forum is suddenly filled with people who clearly don't like or understand kids with disabilities. I'm sorry they came into your thread, OP. You're doing everything right.

Do you have a community of other parents of kids with disabilities? That was a life saver for me, especially when my kid was that age. You need a place to express exasperation and frustration without your child being judged. Good teachers won't hold your (necessary) advocacy against your son, but good teachers will also implement the IEP, so...

+1 Unfortunately this board has become overrun with teachers and other school employees trying to convince parents not to advocate for the rights of their SN kids.

The law is on OP's side. The school maintains 100% of the responsibility to provide FAPE.

[Anonymous]

Try to get over the emotional "no one likes me or my kid" stuff. Honestly, it's not helping you and keeping you from seeing the bigger picture. I agree with PPs that they are doing you a service right now by denying your kid's education. Start your documentation for private placement. I guarantee you they are already doing it on their side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Write the principal and express your sadness and your sense that your child is not being supported.

Op here. Yes, I’ve done that, and I’ve met with her and the teacher and the IEP team face to face.

I’m asking how people handle the feeling of bias/dislike of kids with disabilities.

My kid is not violent and he doesn’t elope, so it’s not a situation of him hurting other kids.

Is it dislike, or is it frustration with a failing system?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its really hard to understand the feeling of everyone disliking your kid and basically ostrasicing your family unless you have experienced it yourself.

If you are just an NT, successful, social person who has never had issues with people before, it is a complete shock to see how the world treats your child and you.

That was my point. It is horrifying. The most unkind horrible people were those that pretended to be super progressive and liberal and anti bullying. Mean, evil people. It was startling. Call them on it. I did and do.

These two posters are spot on. Discrimination against people with disabilities is still widespread. I have SN kids and it's isolating. The ignorance regarding children with disabilities and their rights is astounding. I've pulled away from "friends" who (wrongly) believe that the school doesn't have the legal obligations that they in fact do.

OP, keep doing what you're doing advocating for your child. No one who works at the school is on your side. Stay firmly on your kids side and f these nitwits claiming that you should cut the poor sad teacher some slack or bring in treats. No. The school owes your child as a matter of law. You don't need to grovel to get it, and it wouldn't work anyway. If you give the teacher an inch then she'll take a mile.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's important to remember that the teacher probably has another 20-30 other high energy and needy 5 and 6 year old in the class. She additionally has another 80 little kids she also needs to instruct and develop lesson plans for. There are probably 200 parents all demanding that the teacher spend 100 percent of her time with their special child. She probably has no support from her administration.

You are probably not the only parent of a difficult child that is unprepared for kindergarten who is making things difficult for the teacher, which is impacting her ability to teach all the other students. The question is what are you doing to ensure your child can behave and learn in a classroom setting.

What Kindergarten classroom has 100 kids?

It sounds like OP worked hard to prepare her kid for Kindergarten by getting him the services and plans he needs. The school needs to do their job and provide the supports.

Op here. Thank you for acknowledging this.i truly am proud of the IEP he has and it was a massive amount of work. I’m sure it’s possible but where I live, I have never met another family with a kindergartener that came in with an IEP and BIP.

I feel like I have done my part. We’ve already had 2 full neuropsychologist assessments, two FBAs, and of course a ton of evals/follow up by a developmental pediatrician. I’ve shared everything with the school and been super transparent and collaborative with them. My son is also medicated for school.

I am so disappointed that they are providing NONE of what they agreed to in the IEP and when I raise it with them they throw up their hands and say they just don’t have the staff.

Frustrating as that is, it might be time to add in some private services. You can fight and fight. And you can try to hold them accountable and get them to provide compensatory services. But in the meantime unless you do it privately, it doesnt sound like it will happen.

As to people not liking your kid, I didn’t experience that. One of my goals was always to make everyone love my child and want to give him everything he needed and more - and I was successful at this.

This is just super obnoxious. Read the room. Many of us have kids that due to issues from their disabilities have major social issues and difficulties and aren’t “charming” and loved by all. Quit giving yourself credit for making everyone love your kid? Please. It’s not OP’s fault that her child has disabilities that make handling him difficult and do not inspire “love”.

??? PP was helpful. said that in the meantime you may need private help and that needing IEP does not automatically mean the child wont be liked or has behavior issues