School refusal after suspension

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Should have added, we were considering letting him play video games until this latest incident. Now that's out, and I know that REALLY hurts his social cred.

Why? That makes zero sense.

Because if he goes further than shoving next time, the parents/school will blame his behavior violent video games. We're trying to protect his future here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did he bomb the Cogat? If you're going to move him again, you need to get him into appropriately challenging classes, and it sounds like there's some kind of disconnect between his testing performance & his school performance. Cogat & WISC both test roughly the same thing, so a bombed Cogat with good WISC testing would be a bit of a red flag that something is going on. (Did he intentionally bomb thinking he'd go back to private school? Does he have some kind of undiagnosed LD that could explain the social struggles as well?)

Since we'd told him that public was a better place for him academically, I 100% suspect the former.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And while I appreciate everyone's comments on the bullying, I'm really more concerned about the school refusal at this point. DS is humiliated by the suspension, by the fact no one seems willing to forget about it, and he's terrified this other child will hurt him again. He went to school today, but he cried all the way there.

We've had meetings (DH is involved). The principal insists DS is taking things harder than he should. His therapist is working with him, but DS is so afraid his classmates will find out he needed therapy and use that to bully him further that he doesn't participate well.

If your coworker hauled off and punched one of your teeth out, would you go back to work? Kids who are forced into schools they hate sometimes commit suicide. I bring that up not to shame you but to make the right decision for your kid.

this is absurd. you don’t pull your kid from school because they are a little uncomfortable. stop with the scare tactics.

Found the bully's parent. Do you punch out your wife's teeth?

Children aren't human so it doesn't matter when they are subjected to physical violence in school, they should just "get over it" their "little anxiety".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Should have added, we were considering letting him play video games until this latest incident. Now that's out, and I know that REALLY hurts his social cred.

I'm the PP who has been there, and I think you are making a mistake. It's fine to limit screen time, and fine to limit the games that he is playing, but you are also potentially cutting him off from "his people." The boys your son is going to meet in middle school, who will share his overall temperament, will want to talk about Zelda and Starfall Valley and other games. He might just be a nerd, but if you cut him off from nerd culture, he'll be a nerd with no other nerd friends.

100%. He needs to know nerd culture because those will be his people.

OP you need to treat helping your DS find his people like it's your new job. When my DD was in third grade we moved to a very insular area where lots of families had been there for generations and many kids had known each other for years. I spent a lot of time joining all sorts of things and finding out the activities many of the girls participated in outside of school, and signed my DD up for like double the amount of them than I would ordinarily. And I hosted three times the amount of playdates than I wanted to, and on and on... It worked...it took a bit of time...but she found her people (and an activity she's really passionate about, too)...You just need a few (people).

Thanks. I'd planned on having him try a lot of new things this summer, but it's so hard to get past my own stumbling block of rewarding a child who's in so much trouble with his school. I feel stuck.

All kids need enrichment...........

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did he bomb the Cogat? If you're going to move him again, you need to get him into appropriately challenging classes, and it sounds like there's some kind of disconnect between his testing performance & his school performance. Cogat & WISC both test roughly the same thing, so a bombed Cogat with good WISC testing would be a bit of a red flag that something is going on. (Did he intentionally bomb thinking he'd go back to private school? Does he have some kind of undiagnosed LD that could explain the social struggles as well?)

Since we'd told him that public was a better place for him academically, I 100% suspect the former.

He is using every method at his disposal to tell you this school is killing him. Please listen to him. You are his mother. Isn't the school year almost over? Homeschool him for the rest of the year and put him in a different private for the fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did he bomb the Cogat? If you're going to move him again, you need to get him into appropriately challenging classes, and it sounds like there's some kind of disconnect between his testing performance & his school performance. Cogat & WISC both test roughly the same thing, so a bombed Cogat with good WISC testing would be a bit of a red flag that something is going on. (Did he intentionally bomb thinking he'd go back to private school? Does he have some kind of undiagnosed LD that could explain the social struggles as well?)

Since we'd told him that public was a better place for him academically, I 100% suspect the former.

He is using every method at his disposal to tell you this school is killing him. Please listen to him. You are his mother. Isn't the school year almost over? Homeschool him for the rest of the year and put him in a different private for the fall.

Yep.
Homeschooling for the rest of the year and maybe for next year. Add enrichment and other activities. Kid may go back to school again later or stay homeschooling. We homeschooling my kid fir two years in second and third grade, then he wanted to go back and it was much better. Also got IEP.

[Anonymous]

I would consider homeschooling for middle school and try public school again for high school. Something about your kid and school isn’t meshing well- for now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Should have added, we were considering letting him play video games until this latest incident. Now that's out, and I know that REALLY hurts his social cred.

I'm the PP who has been there, and I think you are making a mistake. It's fine to limit screen time, and fine to limit the games that he is playing, but you are also potentially cutting him off from "his people." The boys your son is going to meet in middle school, who will share his overall temperament, will want to talk about Zelda and Starfall Valley and other games. He might just be a nerd, but if you cut him off from nerd culture, he'll be a nerd with no other nerd friends.

I also think you should allow video games with limits. I’m staunchly anti video game for the early elementary years, but games at 11 years old is ok by me. Maybe have him play on a console so you can better monitor and limit (no handhelds like the Switch).

Some of the video games have paper media. Zelda has manga.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I left out was that we had a neuropsych eval done in 3rd, thinking maybe he had ASD. He doesn't - but he did test gifted. Smart, nerdy, shy, and unathletic was a nightmare in this particular cohort, so we felt justified in putting him in public. We were told this was the best choice for him academically.

Unfortunately, his public wouldn't accept his wisc results and required the cogat for placement, which he bombed, so he's not receiving any kind of academic enrichment here. Long story short, he resents us for promising a challenge and wants to go back to his private (where the bullying was BAD but never "loose a tooth bad). He never had behavioral issues there minus crying over the bullying.

Lots of kids are bright in public without enrichment. Why is this kid being bullied at multiple schools and why is he so violent.

I don't know. He hadn't shown any signs of violence when we had the neuropsych eval done, so we weren't able to raise that concern then. He doesn't play video games, period (something he's teased about), so it's not something he picked up there. I don't know where he got the idea that shoving someone was ok - I would have rather he'd let himself be tripped again and lost another tooth, as horrible as that sounds.

He may well have picked up pushing at school. It happens, especially on the playground or during soft start. It doesn’t always get caught or reported even if it does.

Violence is a natural reaction to violence. If you get a situation where the bully's parents don't punish at home but the bullied does, the bullied is being taught learned helplessness, which is basically psychological torture.

[Anonymous]

homeschool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Should have added, we were considering letting him play video games until this latest incident. Now that's out, and I know that REALLY hurts his social cred.

I'm the PP who has been there, and I think you are making a mistake. It's fine to limit screen time, and fine to limit the games that he is playing, but you are also potentially cutting him off from "his people." The boys your son is going to meet in middle school, who will share his overall temperament, will want to talk about Zelda and Starfall Valley and other games. He might just be a nerd, but if you cut him off from nerd culture, he'll be a nerd with no other nerd friends.

100%. He needs to know nerd culture because those will be his people.

OP you need to treat helping your DS find his people like it's your new job. When my DD was in third grade we moved to a very insular area where lots of families had been there for generations and many kids had known each other for years. I spent a lot of time joining all sorts of things and finding out the activities many of the girls participated in outside of school, and signed my DD up for like double the amount of them than I would ordinarily. And I hosted three times the amount of playdates than I wanted to, and on and on... It worked...it took a bit of time...but she found her people (and an activity she's really passionate about, too)...You just need a few (people).

Thanks. I'd planned on having him try a lot of new things this summer, but it's so hard to get past my own stumbling block of rewarding a child who's in so much trouble with his school. I feel stuck.

Not the immediate PP, but I agree with her. Someone upthread mentioned theater, but I'd add technical theater to the list of things you might ask him to try. Tech crew kids are a tight crew, and the skills needed to run the light and sound boards, to build the sets, or to keep track of all of the scene changes, might play to the strengths of a bright kid.

[Anonymous]

Poor kiddo

Pull him from this school and do online for the rest of the year and maybe next. He’s not going to feel safe at this school. Let him do some video games and coding or something. Your sheltering of him is not helping.

[Anonymous]

The problem is not your son's behavior or that he's supposedly violent , OP. The last time someone stuck his foot out like that your son ended up LOSING A TOOTH. His reaction to give a bit of a shove to the next person who did it is pretty understandable. He was responding to literal violence. The suspension was about CYA and optics for the school. You don't need to withhold any opportunities from your son.

The problem is that your poor son has raging untreated anxiety that has, for whatever reasons, made him a target for bullying wherever he goes. Just help him!

The second problem is that it sounds like he has no interests or friends. You need to help with that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to try the school behind Door #3, Bob!

Seriously—time for some drastic intervention.
Go meet with the head of school at a private Christian or Catholic school. Tell them you really, really need them to be the “hands and feet of Jesus” in this moment, OP, because you fear that this is your last hope to turn this ship around. Lay your cards in the table and admit to his missteps….allow them to see vulnerability, but also be sure you have a plan for holding DC accountable for his actions if he’s given another fresh start.

No private will take a student with a suspension for violence.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I left out was that we had a neuropsych eval done in 3rd, thinking maybe he had ASD. He doesn't - but he did test gifted. Smart, nerdy, shy, and unathletic was a nightmare in this particular cohort, so we felt justified in putting him in public. We were told this was the best choice for him academically.

Unfortunately, his public wouldn't accept his wisc results and required the cogat for placement, which he bombed, so he's not receiving any kind of academic enrichment here. Long story short, he resents us for promising a challenge and wants to go back to his private (where the bullying was BAD but never "loose a tooth bad). He never had behavioral issues there minus crying over the bullying.

Who did the neuropsych? They can vary tremendously in quality.

I am not blaming the victim -- there is no excuse for bullying -- but there is a reason he is repeatedly a magnet for bullies and it's not that he's "too smart." Until/unless you and he figure that out, this will keep happening. I suggest working with a therapist with lots of experience working with autistic children, even if he doesn't check all the boxes for autism.

+1000