Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S BOSS. It seems like you feel like you are entitled to having her work more around the house as if you paid her. If there’s something specific you think needs to be done, or if you cannot afford all the childcare, that’s one thing. But to just take the attitude that she is not “doing enough” is super gross. She basically gets per your description nine hours a week when she has no childcare responsibilities, then she is on call the rest of the time. She gave birth six months ago. You really sound like a massive tool.

OP here. I never said I was her boss nor do I act like I am. We are partners. We both have responsibilities. She chose to be a SAHM. I work hard to provide for my family. We both need to pull our weight. I feel I pull more weight. If I stayed at home, I would fully expect to take on 90% of the childcare and household responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

I think that it’s reasonable to tell her that it’s really important to you to have a homecooked every night and to have the main area of the house clean. I would rather my husband say that than act resentful. I actually think it’s fine to see if the nanny will do this with some of her time if your wife doesn’t want to do it.

I think it’s hard to know what to do sometimes as a SAHM and what to spend your time on. Maybe she is spending a lot of time doing things that she thought you cared about that you don’t.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope she divorces you. She's not even 9 months postpartum, and you're whining about how she has to cook more for you, a grown man.

Cry to your mama about it, hire a chef, and leave the poor woman alone! She sounds like an excellent mom, even though you think she's a bad servant to you.

@sshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having a stay at home mom does not mean life is easier and the house is always clean. It still so hard and so exhausting. If you thought you were buying a maid by “letting” her stay home you are an ass and very judgy. I just remember working my ass off all day and cleaning all the freaking day and then by the time my husband came home it looked like I did nothing. Whether she is home or not it is hard so don’t think it will be easier with her back it work - it will be worse because she will feel even more torn and exhausted. My husband strongly encouraged me to go back to work and I cannot say I am happier, not is he happier nor somehow do we magically have more Money because the job I got pays totally shitty now and I had to spend a ton of money initially to get my wardrobe and hair back to professional level. I did not predict that expense but in a public facing job you can’t look as exhausted as you feel and it is seriously an investment. I can honestly say it is not better with me working just different and my kids are in elementary at two different schools now and we have to juggle the drop offs and pickups and soccer games and Bellet etc it is hard

OP here. I don’t expect the house to be super clean. What I do wish was that she would cook dinner more often. We eat early at 5:30pm and I have to structure my days most days to make sure I’m done working by 5 to make dinner for us. When I absolutely can’t, she orders in or makes something really easy for the boys and I eat whatever. She was a big cook before having our second child. She cooked on the days she was home ( while managing baby solo).

I do believe in maintaining a basic level of cleanliness and hygiene for our house to function. Each night I pick up toys, load dishwasher, wipes down the counters, etc. The housekeeper does all the deep cleaning and we have a separate playroom ( two areas) for the kids that I don’t care is messy. I just try to keep the living room/dining/kitchen clean. Our baby does all of this during kids nap time. Our home is also someone’s workspace and I try to be respectful of that.

Have you asked her to start making dinner more often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens after you get home?

OP here. I work from home most days of the week. I go into the office 1-2 days a week, some weeks.

I get home or come upstairs and start making dinner. If I’m not done working by 5, my wife will usually order dinner or make something quick. We eat, hang out as a family, and we start the bedtime routine. We bathe both kids, and I take infant and put him to bed. Then we hang out a little more with my oldest and I put him to bed ( sometimes he wants mom to do it). Then I will clean up from the day and my wife will usually shower during this time. We will watch tv together and then bed.

so she gets basically zero kid-free time.

She gets plenty, they have a morning nanny and one kid is in preschool for a full day three times a week.

They have a morning nanny, but mom hangs out with her and the baby during those mornings because both parents are "super paranoid" about leaving their kid alone with her, in spite of the fact that OP says they "lucked out" finding this person and she's been with them for years (including when the wife had a job).

Yeah, this is a troll.

OP here. I’m not a troll.

We have an incredible nanny but we feel like you can never be too careful. My wife doesn’t watch our nanny like a hawk. She leaves our nanny alone ( we do have nanny cams) in the home, but does let me know when she will be gone for an extended period of time.

Our nanny is throughly vetted but still. We feel you can never be too cautious. A co-worker of a friend had a nanny who was spanking the kids ( even though they never permitted it) and found out after a neighbor saw it. A friend of ours had a nanny who had dropped their baby twice on accident. A neighbor of ours had to fire their well loved nanny after their nanny took their infant child out all day and would never tell them where she took their child. She even lied about it after being confronted with ring door proof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that it’s reasonable to tell her that it’s really important to you to have a homecooked every night and to have the main area of the house clean. I would rather my husband say that than act resentful. I actually think it’s fine to see if the nanny will do this with some of her time if your wife doesn’t want to do it.

I think it’s hard to know what to do sometimes as a SAHM and what to spend your time on. Maybe she is spending a lot of time doing things that she thought you cared about that you don’t.

OP here. How would you want your husband to approach it?

I don’t expect a meal from scratch. Something as simple as piece of chicken and veggies in the air fryer is good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S BOSS. It seems like you feel like you are entitled to having her work more around the house as if you paid her. If there’s something specific you think needs to be done, or if you cannot afford all the childcare, that’s one thing. But to just take the attitude that she is not “doing enough” is super gross. She basically gets per your description nine hours a week when she has no childcare responsibilities, then she is on call the rest of the time. She gave birth six months ago. You really sound like a massive tool.

OP here. I never said I was her boss nor do I act like I am. We are partners. We both have responsibilities. She chose to be a SAHM. I work hard to provide for my family. We both need to pull our weight. I feel I pull more weight. If I stayed at home, I would fully expect to take on 90% of the childcare and household responsibilities.

You are, actually, the nanny’s boss. Can you ask her to take over some of the cooking/picking up toys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope she divorces you. She's not even 9 months postpartum, and you're whining about how she has to cook more for you, a grown man.

Cry to your mama about it, hire a chef, and leave the poor woman alone! She sounds like an excellent mom, even though you think she's a bad servant to you.

@sshole.

OP here. I work to provide for her. We both have a “ job” to do. I cook for her most of she meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

OP here. She get 8-9 hours of sleep a night. She gets to nap and sleep in on the weekends if she wants.

I sleep 6 hours a night between getting up to work out, making breakfast, and getting ready for work. I will sometimes also work after we put the kids to bed.

I don’t complain. I have said I wish I didn’t have to cook dinner so much but her response is “ we can order out.”

[Anonymous]

She needs to go back to work. She doesn’t do well with an unstructured day. It definitely sounds like she lets time slip through her day. Not saying she doesn’t have busy moments. But she has a LOT of help and she can’t manage to cook a meal? I’m not saying she is lazy. I’m saying SAHM is not her gig.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a SAHM and it's definitely had it's ups and downs but I have high standards for myself and sometimes I did housework at the cost of taking a break or playing with my kids.

It's all a balancing act but it gets easier as the kids get older. My husband very gently encouraged me to get out when I could, whether with my friends, to get some exercise or what have you.

I guess my point is maybe give it a little more time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that it’s reasonable to tell her that it’s really important to you to have a homecooked every night and to have the main area of the house clean. I would rather my husband say that than act resentful. I actually think it’s fine to see if the nanny will do this with some of her time if your wife doesn’t want to do it.

I think it’s hard to know what to do sometimes as a SAHM and what to spend your time on. Maybe she is spending a lot of time doing things that she thought you cared about that you don’t.

OP here. How would you want your husband to approach it?

I don’t expect a meal from scratch. Something as simple as piece of chicken and veggies in the air fryer is good enough.

“Hey. Can you take over the cooking? I really miss the babies and I want to spend time with them when I get home from work.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

OP here. She get 8-9 hours of sleep a night. She gets to nap and sleep in on the weekends if she wants.

I sleep 6 hours a night between getting up to work out, making breakfast, and getting ready for work. I will sometimes also work after we put the kids to bed.

I don’t complain. I have said I wish I didn’t have to cook dinner so much but her response is “ we can order out.”

She doesn't like cooking. There's your answer . So you either do it. See if nanny will take that on or get a meal service.. SAHM does not + must make dinner nightly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

Then be grateful. All you’re doing here is whining and acting entitled. Reflect some on your gratitude.