In-laws are broke, DH has offered to help

[Anonymous]

This would push me toward divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It must be a cultural thing. As an Asian male, I pay off my parents' mortgage and set aside half of my net worth, $500K, in a separate account for them before getting married. I earn $500K per year, and my DW makes $100K. If she were to tell me that I am not allowed to help my parents, that would not sit well with me. I wouldn't be where I am today without my parents.

Similarly, I treat my DH's parents exactly the same way I treat mine. If they need their mortgage paid off, I would be glad to do it.

I'm only a little bit Asian and not a man but I agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were in the same situation and my parents sold their house and rented for a year. They could not handle maintenance on the house or the mortgage.

At the time, we had just bought our home. A year later, we bought a house (our second home) for them.

I didn’t read the replies. What is your HHI?

I know not everyone can buy a home for the parents but it ended up being a good investment. The house is worth almost double what we paid for it and it is our house, not theirs so it isn’t a total loss of money.

I would not be against helping the parents but not at the expense of your own family. We are children of immigrants and it isn’t uncommon for the grandparents to come live with the children.

I’ve been in this situation with both my siblings and parents and I’m sick of it. I can’t be the go to bank bc everyone else failed to
Plan/refused to downsize.


The in laws need to sell their 3 bedroom condo and buy a one bedroom condo or studio. The end

If there is not enough equity in their home and selling is not financially making sense, then they can look into a reverse mortgage to stay in their home.


They can also rent one of the bedrooms or figure out a side hustle.

Elderly should hire a professional property manager and have no contact with the tenants if they rent the house out and should never rent a room.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9839513/Roommate-26-murders-renowned-Maryland-sculptor-92-calls-911-report-herself.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would push me toward divorce.

This, if we had a home ourselves. But OP said they are renting and can’t afford their own home yet. I would have already filed for divorce in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just chiming in as another person with in-laws whose expensive lifestyle and tastes don’t match their means.

I’m extremely grateful that my husband has been clear with them (and with his siblings) that we won’t be the financial backstop.

(Astonishing amounts of money have flowed through their hands, and they continue to make housing decisions that are wildly irresponsible, while ignoring our advice - which they ask for - about how to get to a better place.)

So how does this play out? Would love to know their ages along with their expensive tastes and estimated means. Wondering if we are in for this.

Ages: mid 70s
Means: $1Mish in total retirement savings, plus SS and a pension that throws off about $3k/month
Expensive taste: Bought a condo with carrying costs of $5,500/month in their mid 60s, seemingly unaware of the implications of that fixed expense. Want to spend $10k+/year on travel. Could cut housing costs in half pretty easily, but emotionally aren’t willing to do so.

They are obviously not destitute, but the reserve nest egg is already being spent down and they won’t be able to afford assisted living or other situation to support more extensive care. Not sure how it will ultimately play out - family history of dementia plus longevity means it could be tough. Though the flip side is that even with lower housing costs, they’d probably still struggle with late in life care costs. It’s not great.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t manage to read all the pages but does he have siblings? He needs to make sure he inherits the house and it’s not taken away by nursing facility etc
Not sure how to do that

[Anonymous]

OP 7 pages of responses what did you decide to do? Have you talked to DH yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It must be a cultural thing. As an Asian male, I pay off my parents' mortgage and set aside half of my net worth, $500K, in a separate account for them before getting married. I earn $500K per year, and my DW makes $100K. If she were to tell me that I am not allowed to help my parents, that would not sit well with me. I wouldn't be where I am today without my parents.

Similarly, I treat my DH's parents exactly the same way I treat mine. If they need their mortgage paid off, I would be glad to do it.

You're a troll. I don't know of any Asian who does this. I am Japanese. In my culture, respect for elders is paramount. But no one is setting aside half their fortunes for their parents. My father helped pay for his parents expenses at their nursing homes, I will help pay for my parents' expenses when they reach a certain level of dependence and if their funds are insufficient. This is reasonable, because it's hard to plan for inflation and rising costs of eldercare, for any generation. But normal living and housing expenses while they're still active? I know of NO Asian who does this, either of my parents' generation, or mine. I know Japanese, Korean, Malaysian and Indian families.

I think the parents asked for it as a means to secure PP’s resources in case of divorce.
I am not Asian but it’s not unthinkable for the people from my home country. I am going to suggest this to my son when the time comes but I won’t insist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just chiming in as another person with in-laws whose expensive lifestyle and tastes don’t match their means.

I’m extremely grateful that my husband has been clear with them (and with his siblings) that we won’t be the financial backstop.

(Astonishing amounts of money have flowed through their hands, and they continue to make housing decisions that are wildly irresponsible, while ignoring our advice - which they ask for - about how to get to a better place.)

So how does this play out? Would love to know their ages along with their expensive tastes and estimated means. Wondering if we are in for this.

Ages: mid 70s
Means: $1Mish in total retirement savings, plus SS and a pension that throws off about $3k/month
Expensive taste: Bought a condo with carrying costs of $5,500/month in their mid 60s, seemingly unaware of the implications of that fixed expense. Want to spend $10k+/year on travel. Could cut housing costs in half pretty easily, but emotionally aren’t willing to do so.

They are obviously not destitute, but the reserve nest egg is already being spent down and they won’t be able to afford assisted living or other situation to support more extensive care. Not sure how it will ultimately play out - family history of dementia plus longevity means it could be tough. Though the flip side is that even with lower housing costs, they’d probably still struggle with late in life care costs. It’s not great.

Wow! This would be a hard no for contributing! Their luxuries (larger home than they need or can afford and vacations) should not be prioritized over you buying your own home. DH needs to sit down with them and/or send them to a financial advisor.

It sounds like with their financial habits they will likely need help in later years potentially for care/medical expenses. In that case I would consider helping, but not for this!

You need to talk with your DH. He had no right to make that unilateral decision and it’s also a very poor financial decision for you nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

All the money you are putting in the house is likely to be spent down on their long term care at some point; you know that, right? You won’t get it back from the estate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just chiming in as another person with in-laws whose expensive lifestyle and tastes don’t match their means.

I’m extremely grateful that my husband has been clear with them (and with his siblings) that we won’t be the financial backstop.

(Astonishing amounts of money have flowed through their hands, and they continue to make housing decisions that are wildly irresponsible, while ignoring our advice - which they ask for - about how to get to a better place.)

So how does this play out? Would love to know their ages along with their expensive tastes and estimated means. Wondering if we are in for this.

Ages: mid 70s
Means: $1Mish in total retirement savings, plus SS and a pension that throws off about $3k/month
Expensive taste: Bought a condo with carrying costs of $5,500/month in their mid 60s, seemingly unaware of the implications of that fixed expense. Want to spend $10k+/year on travel. Could cut housing costs in half pretty easily, but emotionally aren’t willing to do so.

They are obviously not destitute, but the reserve nest egg is already being spent down and they won’t be able to afford assisted living or other situation to support more extensive care. Not sure how it will ultimately play out - family history of dementia plus longevity means it could be tough. Though the flip side is that even with lower housing costs, they’d probably still struggle with late in life care costs. It’s not great.

Wow! This would be a hard no for contributing! Their luxuries (larger home than they need or can afford and vacations) should not be prioritized over you buying your own home. DH needs to sit down with them and/or send them to a financial advisor.

It sounds like with their financial habits they will likely need help in later years potentially for care/medical expenses. In that case I would consider helping, but not for this!

You need to talk with your DH. He had no right to make that unilateral decision and it’s also a very poor financial decision for you nuclear family.

I wrote about in-laws w expensive tastes. I’m not the op - my spouse has made clear to me and his parents that we aren’t going to subsidize them. A different poster asked more about the circumstances and how it plays out in real life.

[Anonymous]

You should combine households. Live in a multi-generational household. Inlaws have their own unit that functions independently. This means that your ILs need to sell their home and use the money to put down the downpayment for a larger home. Then you & DH and ILs, both set pays the mortgage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should combine households. Live in a multi-generational household. Inlaws have their own unit that functions independently. This means that your ILs need to sell their home and use the money to put down the downpayment for a larger home. Then you & DH and ILs, both set pays the mortgage.

This usually results in the wife being responsible for eldercare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should combine households. Live in a multi-generational household. Inlaws have their own unit that functions independently. This means that your ILs need to sell their home and use the money to put down the downpayment for a larger home. Then you & DH and ILs, both set pays the mortgage.

This usually results in the wife being responsible for eldercare.

I'd worry about my in-laws mooching and not paying their share of the mortgage: that's why they, like op's in-laws, are having financial problems! Living with them, even with them having their own space, seems like a recipe for constant stress, more work taking care of them...And it would also be difficult because we do not have a close, warm relationship at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should combine households. Live in a multi-generational household. Inlaws have their own unit that functions independently. This means that your ILs need to sell their home and use the money to put down the downpayment for a larger home. Then you & DH and ILs, both set pays the mortgage.

This usually results in the wife being responsible for eldercare.

I'd worry about my in-laws mooching and not paying their share of the mortgage: that's why they, like op's in-laws, are having financial problems! Living with them, even with them having their own space, seems like a recipe for constant stress, more work taking care of them...And it would also be difficult because we do not have a close, warm relationship at all.

+1 Don't do this, OP.