DH has directed us to shovel off the deck - AITA

Anonymous
So youre off, your child is off, and yet neither of you want to do this mildly physical activity?

Why?

Is it less the activity and more that you want to stick it to him? Definitely something to bring up in your family therapy sessions.
Anonymous
I would seriously laugh at my husband if he tried that with me and my daughter.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:So when there is a lot of snow, you need to move it off the deck for safety. Especially as it melts bc it can get really heavy.

That doesn’t apply here, bc it isn’t much snow nor is it melting, but maybe he just knows the advice and is blindly following it?


PP is right; decks are flat and in some snowfalls should be shoveled, at least enough to get some weight off them. There's a good reason most house roofs are angled (as our neighbors, who inexplicably put a new, flat roof on their house, sadly found out after a heavy snow a few years back.)

And I'm going out in a while to shovel off our very small deck, which is ancient, and I worry that even these four inches of snow, especially if they compact and freeze overnight, will crack it.

BUT, OP, you buried the key thing here. There is a FAR larger issue as you point out. And it's not the deck. It's the rigidity, combined with the "this is an order" tone. Has he ever been evaluated for...anything? I do not like to pathologize or diagnose everyone's every oddity, but if he makes day to day living annoying at best and a misery at worst--if it's that bad, well, I'd be addressing it with him. The list of nitpicks and demands you wrote in your post is a good starting point. If he is a "I just know best!" person, maybe he needs to hear how that comes off to the rest of you and needs to hear that "I know best" demands are making him hard to live with. Also: Kids sometimes pick up on this stuff and either learn not to listen to dad at all, or internalize that they "do things wrong," or pick up the same demanding tone themselves. Not good. If he's also this rigid and my-way-is-right about things like family financial choices, or kids' choices of activities, or kids' schoolwork, etc....Much bigger problem. I hope it's not that bad.
Anonymous
So what is your response, OP?
—Ignore
—Respond that you’re not in agreement about the safety and are choosing not to do it.
—Respond that you don’t take orders from anyone, especially people you’re married to.
—Respond that you’d love to do that.
Anonymous
I don’t understand why you’re upset. This is almost exactly the text I would send to my DH and daughter if I were at work and they were home on a snow day. Snow management is my domain, they only do what they’re assigned. Grudgingly.

That said if my DH texted back “it’s not that much snow, I think it can just stay,” I’d probably just say okay and go with it. Or if I disagreed I would just say so and ask if he would coordinate hiring someone or whatever.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Maybe because I grew up in Canada with lots of snow, this doesnt seem like a big deal to me. We all take turns shovelling. And I dont do my entire deck, but I do try to get most of it off. We also bbq year round so I make a path there, and also to the stairs.

Just because your deck doesnt have any structural issues now, why would you willingly and knowingly leave 100s #s on top unnecessarily? Anyways, to me this isn't a big thing, and I'd encourage my 16 year old to do it and definitely go help out.


It’s 4” of snow. There will not be any structural issues from it.

- structural engineer


I don't know. I've sued some pretty bad structural engineers.
(But, yes, if you trust it to handle the live load of people out there in the summer, 4" of snow isn't going to be a problem.)
Anonymous
I assume he's at work. You two are at home. Must be nice. Get off your lazy butt and shovel the snow off the deck.

I'm betting anything he shoveled the entire driveway, cleared all the cars, and has to work.

Don't be lazy.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Is he physically disabled? That is a man's job.


No it isn't.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:So youre off, your child is off, and yet neither of you want to do this mildly physical activity?

Why?

Is it less the activity and more that you want to stick it to him? Definitely something to bring up in your family therapy sessions.


Not OP, but I wouldn’t do simply because he ordered me to do it. As another poster noted, tone is everything. If he has asked as in, “Hey, I’m worried about the snow on the deck. Can you and Larla start clearing it? I can do the rest when I get home…” I’d probably do it.

But barking orders over text about a non-issue? I will find myself very busy with watching trash tv before any pointless shoveling happens just on principle.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re upset. This is almost exactly the text I would send to my DH and daughter if I were at work and they were home on a snow day. Snow management is my domain, they only do what they’re assigned. Grudgingly.

That said if my DH texted back “it’s not that much snow, I think it can just stay,” I’d probably just say okay and go with it. Or if I disagreed I would just say so and ask if he would coordinate hiring someone or whatever.


Leaving aside the question of whether or not the deck needs to be cleared, I can't imagine sending my spouse a message directing him on how to divide up a task with the kids, and cc'ing the kids. The tone of that is just off.

If I was leaving before they woke up, I could see sending a message that says "I did X before work, but didn't get to Y. If you get a chance, I'd be grateful." Or to my kid "Please do Y". But telling my DH to "tag team" with the kid seems totally micromanaging.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:So youre off, your child is off, and yet neither of you want to do this mildly physical activity?

Why?

Is it less the activity and more that you want to stick it to him? Definitely something to bring up in your family therapy sessions.


It's not that. It's that it is completely unecessary IMHO. I see no benefit to doing this. No benefit to the deck, to the house, or for the occupants. A path, sure. Otherwise it just seems pointless. And I think he knows that it is unecessary, he just wants to tell us what to do because it makes him feel powerful.

My teen was on the texts, as I mentioned, and she said it's "dad's power play".
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Is he physically disabled? That is a man's job.


I bet you throw a fit if some guy talks about "woman's work".
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So youre off, your child is off, and yet neither of you want to do this mildly physical activity?

Why?

Is it less the activity and more that you want to stick it to him? Definitely something to bring up in your family therapy sessions.


It's not that. It's that it is completely unecessary IMHO. I see no benefit to doing this. No benefit to the deck, to the house, or for the occupants. A path, sure. Otherwise it just seems pointless. And I think he knows that it is unecessary, he just wants to tell us what to do because it makes him feel powerful.

My teen was on the texts, as I mentioned, and she said it's "dad's power play".


Thats definitely the issue. I hope you do bring it up in therapy, this guy seems to have a lot of control issues.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is he physically disabled? That is a man's job.


No, he is strong. Much, much stronger than I am.


What kind was man asks a 16 year old girl and middle aged woman that do that. What a jerk.


Sounds like maybe a man who is at the office while his teenager and lazy wife lounge around the house.


So it's a punishment? A big FU? Here's a pointless, non sensical task because I'm mad that I had to go to the office today? That makes more sense than the idea that a few pounds per inch need to be moved off a deck that is engineered to code standards.


No, it's not a punishment. It's not a big FU. It's a perfectly reasonable request to clear snow off a surface. Presumably the deck is an emergency exit of sorts for the house? I think the compromise here is clear a path for an exit in an emergency.


That's absurd. In the very unlikely event there is an emergency, they can walk through the snow.


Not so easily if it ices over, which is what he said he concern is.

It's almost like OP is stamping her feet and demanding to be lazy. Is this request interrupting her viewing of the Price is Right or something? Does she need more bonbons? It was a perfectly reasonable request. I would absolutely task my teenager with chores on a snow day. Or maybe the teen is wasting time on the TikTok or some shit like that.


That’s absurd. If it ices over, you can stamp on it. His “concern” is ridiculous and not worth validating.

But I live where I currently have a foot of snow and it is below zero. I am used to the stuff and don’t lose my mind over a few inches of white stuff like OP’s DH.


You sound exceedingly difficult. Like you're a difficult and petty person. I'd divorce your fat ass if I was unfortunate enough to be married to you.

Remember when you got married and took your vow and promised to obey your husband? This is one of those times you need to do what he directs.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:DH texted myself and 16 YO DD..."I'd like you two to tag team to get the snow off the deck. It's going to freeze tonight so I'd like that taken care of. Thx"

We got about 4 inches of snow. The deck is fairly large.
The deck is perfectly strong, no structural issues.
We are generally not using the deck, as, you know, it's winter.
He might use a small area of the deck near the house to grill IF the weather is nice, which at this time it is not. I could see clearning that off in case the weather gets nice enough to grill. But then, the snow would melt by itself.

DH has a history of being overly picky and controlling. Can't put jeans in the dryer because "too noisy". Gets upset if there are dishes in the sink, or you haven't loaded the dishwasher the way he wants. He will unpack it and reload it. We are not "allowed" to put small bowls on the top shelf, those must be placed on the bottom. We started using paper cups to reduce dishwasher complaints and now he complains about the paper cups taking up space in the trash. It's endless. I could go on and on.

This seems like an insane request to me. Who goes outside to move 1000 pounds of snow around a perfectly sound, unused structure if it's not necessary for some reason? What am I missing?

DCUM, AITA?


I think you are just looking for trouble or trolling us. He didn't "direct" you to shovel. He "asked' you. If he said "get your fat a$$ out there and make sure it done before I get home" yes, I'd say he directed you. Drama queen. Obviously, you are strong enough for DCUM. LOL
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