Discipline for excessive crying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: OP, I’m curious. Does your daughter have any transitional objects or behaviors that she uses to soothe and comfort herself? A stuffed toy, or blanket, or even something she puts in her mouth?

I wish. Rejected pacifier at 4 months, doesn’t thumb suck, weirdly has never accepted a lovey or a single stuffed animal (she has many and loves them, but has no one favorite). I am her “lovey.”

I’m guessing that it would be a big step for both of you if she could learn to self-soothe. Are there any smells or textures that she likes? A squishmallow? A soft scarf that you’ve worn so it smells like you? A cartoon or even guided meditation/ sleep videos recording soothing sounds or music? Something that reliably makes her laugh?

I’d probably try playing “explorer” or “scientist” — and see if there are textures or sounds or smells or experiences that help her feel calmer or relaxed (or whatever words you choose), to see if you both can identify something besides you that she can use to feel calmer. I’d do this — ideally — when she’s not screaming, and discuss the plan to have her try cuddling a pillow, wrapping herself in your scarf, …. whatever. A goal here would be for her to identify something that she can do to help her to feel calmer. If you can find things that work, even for very short periods of time, you’ll be able to increase the length of time that they work successfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all those saying autistic, that makes me really sad, but I’ve always thought it was a real possibility. So thanks for those comments. We’ll get her evaluated when she’s a little older.

Any suggestions on how to handle The crying in the meantime?

Why not get her evaluated now? We got my daughter evaluated and diagnosed through children’s National child development clinic at your daughter’s age. Our DD is considered high functioning—so it is possible to diagnose at that age. If she is on the spectrum you want access to early intervention as soon as possible including parent training (a diagnosis often helps insurance to cover it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: OP, I’m curious. Does your daughter have any transitional objects or behaviors that she uses to soothe and comfort herself? A stuffed toy, or blanket, or even something she puts in her mouth?

I wish. Rejected pacifier at 4 months, doesn’t thumb suck, weirdly has never accepted a lovey or a single stuffed animal (she has many and loves them, but has no one favorite). I am her “lovey.”

I’m guessing that it would be a big step for both of you if she could learn to self-soothe. Are there any smells or textures that she likes? A squishmallow? A soft scarf that you’ve worn so it smells like you? A cartoon or even guided meditation/ sleep videos recording soothing sounds or music? Something that reliably makes her laugh?

I’d probably try playing “explorer” or “scientist” — and see if there are textures or sounds or smells or experiences that help her feel calmer or relaxed (or whatever words you choose), to see if you both can identify something besides you that she can use to feel calmer. I’d do this — ideally — when she’s not screaming, and discuss the plan to have her try cuddling a pillow, wrapping herself in your scarf, …. whatever. A goal here would be for her to identify something that she can do to help her to feel calmer. If you can find things that work, even for very short periods of time, you’ll be able to increase the length of time that they work successfully.

Great idea. I will try this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all those saying autistic, that makes me really sad, but I’ve always thought it was a real possibility. So thanks for those comments. We’ll get her evaluated when she’s a little older.

Any suggestions on how to handle The crying in the meantime?

I don’t think it needs to make you sad, OP. Once you know what’s going on, you will be able to understand her and meet her needs, and she will be happier, and you will have a happier family life. I’d get her assessed now. We went to CAAT. I don’t know if there is a minimum age there.

[Anonymous]

I've written out so many answers, but it all boils down to: please see a psychoanalyst for yourself. You are facing a very challenging parenting situation, and your own parents, who were emotionally unavailable and cruel, did not give you the models you need to parent the special kid you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was she always like this? A high-needs baby?

The highest needs baby I’ve ever heard of. Still does not sleep through the night and woke 20+ times until 20 months. Could not be put down as a baby. Saw ENT, GI specialist, neurologist, etc to explore medical causes and she’s medically normal. Extremely, extremely high needs.

I wish to be in touch with you, as I've had a similar child, but I don't want to be public. Can you give me an anonymous email to contact you with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've written out so many answers, but it all boils down to: please see a psychoanalyst for yourself. You are facing a very challenging parenting situation, and your own parents, who were emotionally unavailable and cruel, did not give you the models you need to parent the special kid you have.

Oh, go away. Any parent would find this hard, not just OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all those saying autistic, that makes me really sad, but I’ve always thought it was a real possibility. So thanks for those comments. We’ll get her evaluated when she’s a little older.

Any suggestions on how to handle The crying in the meantime?

You don’t need a diagnosis to get useful advice from a child psychologist. They don’t require a diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those saying autistic, that makes me really sad, but I’ve always thought it was a real possibility. So thanks for those comments. We’ll get her evaluated when she’s a little older.

Any suggestions on how to handle The crying in the meantime?

Why not get her evaluated now? We got my daughter evaluated and diagnosed through children’s National child development clinic at your daughter’s age. Our DD is considered high functioning—so it is possible to diagnose at that age. If she is on the spectrum you want access to early intervention as soon as possible including parent training (a diagnosis often helps insurance to cover it).

I second this, there’s no sense in waiting. In DC you can self-refer for a city-funded assessment; you don’t need a referral through the pediatrician. Google child find + your city. Also, go ahead and get on some evaluation lists because you may have to wait a year anyway. Your closest children’s hospital would be a good place to start.

I’m extremely sympathetic. My daughter’s behavior is by far the worst with me, and I’m the only one who has read all the parenting books and does all the “right” things. I never change from No to yes because of behavior. I build predictable routines. I am neutral in the face of crying/whining all of it. I have read this is because I’m her “safe space” and I want to believe it, but of course I also doubt myself. It’s very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was she always like this? A high-needs baby?

The highest needs baby I’ve ever heard of. Still does not sleep through the night and woke 20+ times until 20 months. Could not be put down as a baby. Saw ENT, GI specialist, neurologist, etc to explore medical causes and she’s medically normal. Extremely, extremely high needs.

I wish to be in touch with you, as I've had a similar child, but I don't want to be public. Can you give me an anonymous email to contact you with?

Repeating so it doesn't get lost

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know Janet Lansbury and all the RIE and gentle parenting advice says not to discipline or shame for crying, that you want your kids to feel safe expressing their emotions. But what can you do when the crying is truly extreme and excessive?

I really can’t take it anymore. My 27 month old cries almost nonstop, all day, every single day. Every transition, every no. Today she cried for 45 minutes because we were driving and I wouldn’t/couldn’t make her a sandwich in the car, while driving. She cries during story time before bed. She cries when she asks for donuts all day and we inevitably say no (she’s had donuts only once in her life. I have no idea where the obsession comes from). She cries when I put her into her car seat. She cries when I am on the phone and can’t play with her. She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time. We say no plenty (thus all the crying!). She is not spoiled.

She only does this to me, mom. She is not like this at all with her dad, nanny, anyone else. Just me.

Has anyone had a child like this? Did therapy or something else help? I just can’t stand any more crying and screaming.

Your two year old (I'd call her two at this point) needs unconditional love, reassurance, and to feel you are in control. be calm and pour on the love. Don't shame her for her feelings. This period will pass.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried preschool? It seems like she needs some simple rules and routines and is more compliant with others besides mom. I think it's very likely that would make her better behaved even at home. None of the other things you listed for socialization seem at all comparable to something like a half-day everyday program.

And then talk to pediatrician about whether/ when to get her evaluated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've written out so many answers, but it all boils down to: please see a psychoanalyst for yourself. You are facing a very challenging parenting situation, and your own parents, who were emotionally unavailable and cruel, did not give you the models you need to parent the special kid you have.

OP here. I did therapy for about a decade, including a perinatal mental health specialized psychologist during the first 6 months of my daughter’s life because it was so hard. I know what my issues and deficits are and why I have them and am honest about them (I hope you can see that on this thread). That said, I have not found therapy helpful at all in self regulating. You’ll probably say that’s my fault. Sure. I’m trying and I don’t know what else to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know Janet Lansbury and all the RIE and gentle parenting advice says not to discipline or shame for crying, that you want your kids to feel safe expressing their emotions. But what can you do when the crying is truly extreme and excessive?

I really can’t take it anymore. My 27 month old cries almost nonstop, all day, every single day. Every transition, every no. Today she cried for 45 minutes because we were driving and I wouldn’t/couldn’t make her a sandwich in the car, while driving. She cries during story time before bed. She cries when she asks for donuts all day and we inevitably say no (she’s had donuts only once in her life. I have no idea where the obsession comes from). She cries when I put her into her car seat. She cries when I am on the phone and can’t play with her. She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time. We say no plenty (thus all the crying!). She is not spoiled.

She only does this to me, mom. She is not like this at all with her dad, nanny, anyone else. Just me.

Has anyone had a child like this? Did therapy or something else help? I just can’t stand any more crying and screaming.

Your two year old (I'd call her two at this point) needs unconditional love, reassurance, and to feel you are in control. be calm and pour on the love. Don't shame her for her feelings. This period will pass.

I have tried. I am failing remaining calm all the time. It’s too hard for me. Thus the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all those saying autistic, that makes me really sad, but I’ve always thought it was a real possibility. So thanks for those comments. We’ll get her evaluated when she’s a little older.

Any suggestions on how to handle The crying in the meantime?

No, you need to get her evaluated now, because the developmental pediatrician will have resources and suggestions for you. Early intervention is key. Please keep in mind that there are long waiting times for an evaluation sometimes. Also keep in mind that you need answers ASAP because she will be eligible for special programs, as well as services and accommodations in school. Finally, it's never a one-and-done evaluation: there will be several in the course of her life, because she's very young, and each specialist will discover something more every few years.

She seems very bright, and if she is amenable to controlling her sensory overload and emotions, and easing her mental rigidity (all of which she can do with practice, ie, behavioral modification!), then I am sure she will be do great things later on!

In the meantime, look up resources for parenting ASD kids. Try to find something she can use to self-soothe. Right now, the crying is the self-soothing mechanism. You want to exchange it for something else. She sounds sensory-avoidant. My sensory-avoidant kid would jump on the trampoline for hours. He loved hearing me read books to him. Would she like the same thing? Audio books? Classical music? Try things that aren't necessarily kid-friendly - maybe she'll like them.

- wife and mother of twice exceptional ADHD/ASD humans.